Am I ungrateful?

[Kit12]

Ive been with my husband for 8 years. My family always make an effort for his birthday/christmas. Ive always known that his family aren't big on birthdays/gifts etc. I always put effort in when it comes to their birthdays whether it be his parents, siblings, nephews & nieces. My in laws never remember my birthday, and if my husband mentions it they just say that they forgot. I recently turned 40 and my husband reminded them. I was given the cheapest looking bunch of flowers, half of which are dying/covered in mould. I'm not a materialistic person, but feel that they must think very little of me. Am I being ungrateful?

YANBU. Drop the rope and never buy a present for in-laws anything. Leave it all to DH. Don’t even remind him. Just tell him he needs to sort his family and you’ll sort yours.

You’ve made a rod for your own back, time to break it.

If they’re not big gift givers and aren’t that into birthdays etc, I don’t know why you’re putting in so much effort (or really why it’s falling to you at all - what did your DH buy them before he met you?)

I get why you’re hurt, but at the same time, if they genuinely do not expect or really want a big deal for their birthdays, they probably aren’t being deliberately hurtful to you. And I wouldn’t really think it means they think very little of you specifically. Sounds like it’s not about you.

No.
Why do you do an effort with their birthdays? DH can handle it if he wants. I wouldn't.

If they're not into birthdays like you say then buying them stuff is pointless. They don't celebrate them do stop trying to make them do so. They haven't done anything wrong really. You are just not accepting of the fact they want nothing from you.

Stop making an effort for them!

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable. People just place different weight on birthdays and presents. Give if it makes you happy but if not just stop. I'd rather spend time with people than get a trinket.

You’ve said yourself, his family aren’t big on birthdays and gifts. That isn’t going to change, so you’ve either got to accept it and readjust your expectations or you will always be disappointed.

Why are you buying his family presents? My DH buys gifts for his family. There is no need for you to be involved.

EDIT to add
I can’t really vote because whether you are ungrateful or not is not really the issue. Probably very few people would feel grateful for mouldy flowers. It’s just that there’s no point expecting them to change and give you meaningful gifts.

If you know this: Ive always known that his family aren't big on birthdays/gifts etc. then stop doing this: I always put effort in when it comes to their birthdays whether it be his parents, siblings, nephews & nieces.

They are never going to bother with your birthday. You can't change them.

No but you're putting far too much value on the relationship with them. I don't buy any of my in laws presents. And they don't buy for me. DH doesn't buy for my family and they don't buy for him. Everyone's happy. .. well not exactly but it's got nothing to do with presents.

You’re not being unreasonable! Stop buying them presents. I doubt it’s personal or intended to be hurtful though - do they buy your DH anything for his birthday?

I don't understand how your feelings or responses could be described as "ungrateful"; it doesn't sound like there's much to be grateful for. Even someone who doesn't know what a birthday is knows that no one wants moldy flowers. You can say a polite thanks and still be disappointed and wish things were different, but I would tell your husband not to push them to do anything for your birthday or other occasions from now on since they've shown they either don't want to or can't. But also stop doing anything for theirs - unless you're getting pleasure from giving to them without any expectations, but that's not the case now and trying to change how you feel is a complete waste of energy.

Stop expecting things from them - clearly after 8 years it isn’t going to happen! But don’t get them anything either - stop putting the effort in. I’d warn DH so he can do something if he wants, but as far as you are concerned no more stress!

I don't think it's that they think little of you. They're just not a family who bother much with birthdays/celebrations. Stop making the effort for theirs if you feel it's unappreciated. I get on fine with all my in-laws but none of them would send me a birthday card or present. I don't care 🤷‍♀️ I get thoughtful presents from my friends and family and that's enough for me. Just match their effort and don't worry about it!

I think in general if a grown adult doesn't see something like birthdays as important they aren't going to change their opinion because someone else puts a large amount of effort. Maybe it's different with younger people that you have some influence over.

Well, they aren't very nice, are they? I wouldn't get them another thing - see how they like it. What are they going to do - stop giving you dead flowers?

If you know they aren’t into birthdays etc then why do you put a big effort in to get them presents. My husbands family aren’t into birthdays either. That’s not a problem at all. It’s up to them and there is nothing wrong with it. My husband deals with his family and I deal with mine. It’s easy like that. I don’t get cards or presents from them but I don’t mind. I genuinely don’t care. I would care if my family didn’t give me presents though. Do you honestly ‘care’ that you haven’t got a present from them? Or is it more that you think they should get you a present. Do you even like them?

Stop buying gifts for your DH’s side of the family. They can’t be bothered to get you anything nice so stop bothering for them. I only buy gifts etc for my side of the family, DP sorts his.