AIBU to think that paying off the mortgage does not mean he can opt out indefinitely from both paid work and contributing properly at home?

[AnonMam]

Some brief background:

My husband previously had a well-paid job. For years, I worked part-time in a low-paid care role while doing most of the childcare for our two children and most of the housework. I then retrained and now work in a professional NHS role.

A few years ago, DH was diagnosed with a progressive visual impairment, which may mean he cannot work until retirement age. Last year, while still earning well, he paid off our mortgage because he was anxious about the future. This was largely from his earnings, although it was not something we properly discussed together.

He then spent a substantial amount of our remaining savings building an extension that I did not agree we needed. It has taken around 18 months and is still unfinished.

DH was made redundant over a year ago and has not looked for another job. He is struggling with his mental health, but he is currently still capable of working in some form. A few months ago, I increased my hours to full-time because we needed more income.

Despite not working, he has not taken over the housework or the majority of the childcare. I still do most of it, and my mum comes twice a week to collect our daughter from school and help clean and tidy.

I have complained to friends about feeling overwhelmed, but I have not told them that we are mortgage-free. DH thinks this is a crucial omission. He believes that paying off the mortgage was such a major contribution that it gives him the freedom not to work now. He also says that he supported me while I worked part-time, whereas I feel I was contributing through childcare, housework and studying to improve my earning potential.

I feel uncomfortable telling friends we are mortgage-free because most of them are nowhere near that position, DH contributed more financially towards it, and I worry they will see me differently or think I have been misleading them.

AIBU to think that paying off the mortgage does not mean he can opt out indefinitely from both paid work and contributing properly at home? And am I being dishonest by not mentioning the mortgage when I talk to friends about how u
nsupported I feel?

He is an embarrassment that he can sit around while
your mum comes to tidy up after him and look after his children. Disgusting.

When is your time to sit around on your bum? Not that I would recommend it as I'm sure it's bad for his mental health, and would be for most people's.

OBVIOUSLY this is unfair. If he takes that attitude that the onky contribution that counts is measured in £££, work out the total cost of childcare and housekeeping that you and your Mum have contributed over and above what he has, outside earning hours, and put the bill in front of him. And tell him you and your Mum have done your share now, look at the size of it, it's his turn.

To me it sounds like your dh has a major and understandable depression. Your dh purpose and function was well defined for most of your marriage; but now he’s losing his sight, he’s lost his job through redundancy - both events are huge things to come to terms with in middle age.

You are clearly aware he has MH problems. What is he doing about that? How are you encouraging him to access help?

When you say: “I have not told [friends] that we are mortgage-free. DH thinks this is a crucial omission.“ does this mean your dh knows you are moaning about him to your friends? Are you reporting back your friends saying he’s a lazy so and so? I don’t think that is going to help his mental health problems!

I think you should stop your mum coming over for childcare and cleaning. She’s just propping up the situation. Tell your dh “mum is taking six weeks off. I thought you could look after the kids in the summer holidays and if you set them some chores I think you can all keep on top of the housework and cooking.” And then see how he gets on!

He did not support u to work part-time. He supported the family so u could stay at home looking after your shared children in the same way that you supported him being able to do his full time high earning job. Being mortgage free does not mean the house work and child care does not need to be done. He now needs to be the SAHP and support you in doing your full-time role and vice versa. He should be doing a part-time role

I would be reluctant to mention being mortgage free too OP

What is his reason for not picking up child etc?
Is he being treated for depression?

To me, it sounds like he's unwell, and maybe needs some time out to come to terms with things. It sounds like he's been the majority financial contributer for a while, and has taken responsibility for putting the family in the best financial situation he can, bearing in mind his health difficulties.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to take the baton for a while and allow him to focus on his mental health. Hopefully longer term he'll feel able to work again, or pick up more of the SAHP role, but right now, he's dealing with a lot, and I'd give him some time and space

Yes, I do think it's a bit of a skewed view to not mention the mortgage as presumably everyone assumes the weight of all bills falls on you, but you don't have the biggest one to pay. You haven't told your friends about him paying off the mortgage - have you told them about his diagnosis? I think you've really just breezed over the impact of that. Is his sight deteriorating now or does he 'just' know it will? If it is deteriorating already it may be harder than you realise for him to do things, and psychologically hard for him to put in adaptations at home or to disclose it to a new job. I do think he needs to come to terms with this and adapt, but at this point you've only been working full-time for a few months. I would be concentrating on supporting him into counselling and proper treatment for now - it's important that he doesn't just stagnate and sink deeper, but it seems quite early for you to turn to 'tough love' and to moaning to everyone else about what a hard lot you have.

How bad is his sight now, can he see well enough to do housework, cooking and child care safely and competently? Losing your sight and your job are pretty awful things to happen at a certain age. He thinks he has done a really great thing by paying off the mortgage despite his problems and to an extent he is right he has removed a huge burden off your income. He probably doesn't feel confident in getting another job particularly now he has fallen into depression, unsurprisingly.

You are lying by omission because you don't want your friends to know you are in a much better financial position than you have told them, and you are painting your DH as the villain of the piece for not working and getting lots of sympathy for your position.

What he is essentially saying is that his time is more valuable than the time of you lowly women, and because he spent a limited amount of time working and earning, you are destined to spend your time, which isn’t worth nearly as much as his, serving everyone while he serves himself. As a husband, father and son in law he should be ashamed of himself.

What a terrible thing to say about a man who is losing his sight and has lost his job through no fault of his own and is consequentially very depressed.

What is his vision like?

I have a friend who is visually impaired and manages to work but she can’t drive and lots of her work has to be read to her.

if he’s basically blind it’ll be really hard for him to do housework and childcare.

How bad is his vision? It must be an awful knock to your confidence to lose your job and your sight like that.

I think paying off the mortgage gives him a bit of a break from having to contribute financially. Although I assume the mortgage was only about a third of the household bills and not half or more of them?

I do think he clearly didnt value the childcare contribution or cleaning contribution much in comparison to his own financial ones though.

I dont think he does have the right to not take part in adult life by looking after his own children and cleaning up a bit (but depression does stop people doung that kind off thing)

I also think you have the right to feel overwhelmed either way. Having a seemingly depressed husband, using savings in a way you disagree with, who doesnt/cant look after his own children, whilst you work full time to cover 2/3 of normal household costs can feel overwhelming regardless of whether he is 'allowed' to do it or not by virtue of his ill health.

Personally I think that paying off the mortgage was a huge contribution and I’m not sure why you want to diminish that* *achievement since it allows you both to have a less stressful life going forward with such a major debt paid off. Part time work plus Childcare and housework - to me - don’t equal the same as the main earner bearing the responsibility of carrying a family of 4 for years

however if he is no longer working but able to given his visual impairment he should be picking up the housework and childcare duties whilst you are at work as well as finishing the building work

If you did all the childcare, housework etc when he was working, then surely he can do it when you are working? Say your mum is going to take a break, and let him step up.

Honestly...I would remortgage to get cash to finish useless/pointless extension then insist you sell and downsize to a small 2/3 bed as if he wants to contribute fuck all you need a property that needs less maintenance and has lower outgoings.

I'd do this and mean it and if he wasnt on board I'd look hard at separating.

Its not about where you are today... its where you will be in a decade or 2 I'd have issue with.

Also theres fuck all reason why he cant run a hoover around and do a few loads of washing and a food shop...

Geniunely struggling with visual impairment and being a lazy arsehole arent mutually exclusive

By "taking the baton" do you mean OP effectively doing a double shift working FT AND doing all the housework? And why do you calm it "taking" the baton? It's not like DH was carrying a double load before, they both equally contributed to the family.

“He believes that paying off the mortgage was such a major contribution that it gives him the freedom not to work now”.

While he may be struggling with his mental health, and may have vision impairments, he hasn’t cited either of those for reasons not to work though has he, he’s simply said I’ve done my bit financially so now i’m done.

1. if he has a disability that is getting worse then he should be able to utilise his time better to take value from things while he can still before becoming blind (if this is the situation - obviously we don’t have enough information)

2. you and he paid off the mortgage, because he used ‘his’ money but ‘his’ money is family money not just his…so you both paid off the mortgage and that doesn’t mean he can just say he doesn’t need to contribute because he already did…all he did was redistribute family money

He needs to do most of the domestic work and childcare if he's not going to work, obviously. Exactly as you did (and still do despite working full time).

Spending most of your savings on an unnecessary and still unfinished extension that you didn't agree to whilst unemployed and not looking for work rather negates the "credit" for paying off the mortgage!

His mental health won't benefit from not having a purpose - be that paid work or running the home.

YANBU. He is being an ignorant selfish twat. Just because the mortgage is paid off, doesn't mean he gets to sit around and do nothing at all to help the family on a daily basis.

He needs counselling to come to terms with the eyesight problem, and to work out what he is going to do now.

He needs to work out what he can do with his limited eyesight, and get help from the appropriate people to help him live his life. He needs to be able to look after himself.

Give your DH two choices.

To find another part time job
OR
To take over all that your mother does on those two days and be helpful on other days too.