Help needed re subclinical ASD teen boy and his view of me

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Sorry for weird thread title . Teen ds aged 16 has some clear asd / ADHD traits but the assessments came back 'subclinical' - traits of both but not a diagnosis of either.

This is relevant because he is very specific, literal, active and impatient. He is also delightful , intelligent and very funny. He has very rigid ideas and I am not exactly sure what happened around the middle of year 10 when he turned 15 but he just stopped appearing to like me at all. Up to this point we had always done lots together , chatted, he'd confided in me etc. It's been going on for about a year and 3 months where we may have a fun family dinner or a good family bike ride or cinema trip but mostly he does not talk to me about anything outside of a game we are playing, Uno or chess for example. His father and I are divorced and he is without doubt a nightmare for everyone and my son is in his care 50 50 - absolutely no choice about this whatsoever. Ex h and teen ds do seem quite naturally simpatico - but I know ex h flies into rages at ds about which I am mostly powerless to do anything about unless it reaches the high level of safeguarding risk that childrens services would advise carcass of.

When I ask him if something is the matter or if I have done something or if something is bothering he gets very wound up and says itz just that I am totally annoying, always trying to talk to him or hug him. I've tried backing off ,I've tried bonding with games I've tried time just him and I , I've tried ignoring him, ive tried insisting he interacts with me.

Nothing changes. Can anyone give me any advice?

I think with any teenager the key is to be calm and polite and remotely friendly whilst not pushing too much. Make it clear that you love him and are happy to listen to anything he has to say, but don't intrude.

He's getting impatient because you are pushing for more than he wants to give in terms of affection or knowledge about his life. Mine got very cross if I asked him about anything personal such as friends, GFs or anything he hadn't volunteered first. Don't keep asking him questions about what is wrong, or what have you done. Keep questions to the practical such as 'Do you want peas with your tea'? 😃

Just step back. Insist he is polite and civil when he speaks to you but apart from that let him get on with things.

I should say that he seems popular with friends and he clearly values his dad. He also mostly ignores my partner who I met years after ex h and I split and is very kind and gentle to him. Ds is also kind and friendly to his younger sister which is wonderful.

Thank you this is very kind and helpful. I will try to stick to the practicalities more. Will it pass? I'm worried he will never talk to me again!

My 15yo dd is adhd / prob asd. I am separated from her dad and the absolutely worst thing her dad can do is to be needy. By that I mean talking to her / asking if she’s ok / trying to hug her.

she doesn’t like to give me any info either and it has to be on her terms - she hates physical contact and people touching her.

I am not exactly sure what happened around the middle of year 10 when he turned 15 but he just stopped appearing to like me at all. Up to this point we had always done lots together , chatted, he'd confided in me etc. It's been going on for about a year and 3 months where we may have a fun family dinner or a good family bike ride or cinema trip but mostly he does not talk to me about anything outside of a game we are playing,

You sound as though you think this is unusual for a 15 year old??

But you can’t change that by trying to engage him more when he is so skittish.

He has a lot on his plate: his 50 percent father is modeling awful emotional skills and because they are quite “sympatico” he won’t recognize it as a problem. He is growing up and naturally individuating from you so he may be avoiding intimate moments or cuddling or talking as sort of regressive and confining.

Just be calm, open, generous and keep organizing fun things to do as a family. If he goes along: great! A chance to bond through an activity. If he won’t go along just stay cheerful and say “maybe next time..”

If he can come round eventually he will.

I think with teenagers the key is to be very present but on their terms, so accompanying them in doing what they want to do without imposing yourself, but not expecting them to do what you want.

I've found that by doing that, once they realise that I am not going to impose anything on them they actually welcome my company and ask for it. It just takes a mental shift to go from the completely normal telling your child what to do mentality to being much more passive.

Iv teen boys. My older two all went though grunt phase where everything answer with a grunt and any questions got me frustrated angry words. And yep no hugging (im not a hugger son that fine). Normal for teen biys not to discusss anything with their mums. Thats why they have friends.

Just be avaliable and be there. Keep choices if he wants to do games with you but very off hand and light.

Stop asking questions, your melting heads asking if he is ok and I would start to dislike someone if they asked if they had done somehting wrong.

It will pass. Believe me, I've taught teens for 30 years and it is SO common. I have had lovely kids whose parents have confided in me that they are like this at home - it's a stage almost all of them go through, don't worry.

Also, yes. DS is now 21 and frequently snuggles up to me on the sofa saying, 'I'm never leaving home. I will live with you FOREVER'. (Then repeats 'FOREVER' in a sort of hollow, echoing voice). He does this to annoy me, I know. He's still irritated with me at times and tells me how annoying I am, how interfering I am, how nosy I am. But he's still here and is often affectionate and loving.

It just has to be on his terms.

Eldest is 18 with adhd and we have out best chats in the car while we are driving to places. Luckily he has a hobby that he has done since he was little so not unusual for me to go with him.

Yes as PP said, car chats are almost the only time I get a decent conversation with my DS who is ASD/ADHD. I think he feels less pressured (no eye contact etc) so seems to talk more easily. We often listen to podcasts in the car now and that can prompt a conversation.
I would remove all “pressure” or what he feels is pressure, just be available and continue games of uno etc when you can.

Ok this is all very reassuring advice.

I will try better at getting that balance of hands off and I am still actually here if you need me and hopefully this too will pass!

Ha well I guess it took me by surprise - one day we were shopping together and the next he wanted nothing to do with me!

My son is ASD and I can totally relate! The teen years were a bit of a nightmare and he definitely stopped “ chatting”, any communication had to have a definite purpose and normal social conventions went by the by! He was having to work really hard at school to keep everything together ( not always successfully, but he tried!) and so home was his safe, quiet space.
He has improved, he has learnt how to interact more and tries very hard to come up with topics of conversation, usually the same ones every time, but he tries!