Aibu to constantly think of how of ugly I am and how my partner would be better off with someone more attractive

[Corpsesnide]

My husband recently reconnected with a old friend from university who is really attractive. Nothing inappropriate was said or anything like that, literally just a tiny conversation on Facebook.

I’ve always been insecure. Always. People have commented a lot in the past that I look like corpse bride/a Tim burton character. I have a very skinny face and big eyes (not in a good way I don’t think). I’ve always dyed my naturally blonde hair black and I’ve started to think this adds to the look of being quite odd-looking. I’m in my 30s now, but I’ve always felt weird and the odd one out.

to add to how I feel, my husband has a child from a previous brief relationship. Seeing my stepchild’s mother every day and being reminded of their relationship affects me. I never say this to him, as I know it’s very irrational (I’ve obviously had relationships before) but I always find myself comparing me to her in terms of looks.

Ever since the messages with his old friend the insecurities have ramped up massively and I’ve found myself researching plastic surgery, lip fillers, consultations etc. last night when we were having sex, I thought at one point he closed his eyes and my mind immediately went to “he’s thinking of her/someone more attractive than me”. Obviously didn’t tell him this but when he fell asleep I cried.

I feel like my mind is totally against me. I feel like it’s trying to catch me out and remind me that I’m not attractive or good enough for my husband. Husband isn’t the problem at all, he’s always complimentary of me and is supportive of me. But he doesn’t understand the insecurities and sees them as a failure of himself (he’s said “it’s my job to make you feel beautiful and I’m failing). Ever since he said this I’ve kept my mouth shut and make sure I don’t voice any negative thoughts about my appearance.

What can I actually do? I’ve had years of therapy, I go to the gym, I “look after myself” in terms of appearance. I just feel like an ugly creature that people stare at when they see me and almost pity my partner.

I think if people are comparing you to a Tim Burton character, you're probably very striking (which is a good thing). If you don't like this comparison, swapping black hair for something softer will help.

Regardless though, I don't think you're looks are the issue. It sounds like you have very poor self esteem and changing how you look is unlikely to help much. Is therapy an option? If not, try some books or podcasts about loving yourself.

You are far more than your looks (though I'm sure you're not ugly). You need learn to value your whole self

That's really rough, I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
It's obvious from your post that there is nothing wrong with how you look and it's all in your mind - but it sounds like you know that already.
Is it possible to try to shift your focus away from looks and think of yourself as a whole, unique and valuable person?
Think of ways you help people, make people laugh or things you are skilled at. Think of amazing women who do or achieve great things even though they are not the picture of our current beauty standard.

Well as you have shared with us that you were having sex last night you know what has to happen for a man to be able to have sex so he obviously is attracted to you.

Agree with PP. The answer to this doesn't lie in trying to improve your appearance. The answer lies in getting perspective on how important appearance is to your value, and your quality of life. And you won't get this from reassurance that you're attractive, or that your H doesn't think the other woman is attractive. You won't believe it for starters. And even if you do, it doesn't address the root of the issue.
You need to start training your mind away from its preoccupation with your looks. Start by a strict rationing of mirror time. If you look at pictures of women and compare yourself to them. Stop looking.
Look around you, not at yourself. When you're doing something, really focus on that. When thoughts about your looks pop into your mind, distract yourself immediately.
It takes work, but it is possible.

I very much doubt you are unattractive.

Insecurity however is a really unattractive trait. And quite exhausting for the other person.

Work on your self esteem and believe in yourself. Stop caring what others think.

Of course YABU. You wouldn't inflict such a cruel and completely unfounded commentary on a friend, so why do it to yourself? If you want to hear yourself, pick a friend or beloved family member's name, and wrute down the way you speak to yourself as if you were speaking to them:
D-best friend - you look like a freak, You need surgery. I bet your husband imagines his ex when he's having sex with you. You know when someone complimented you about your edgy style? What they meant was, you look really creepy and weird. Etc.

It's just horrific, isn't it? No way would you even begin to talk to someone you love like that. So, the work you need to do is not cosmetic but psychological. Find out how to learn to love yourself. Really love yourself.

I suggest you look up some CBT self-acceptance and self-compassion worksheets online and do them. Years ago a therapist made me do them and it really opened my eyes, ears and mind to how brutally I talked to myself. Changing that felt so false and cringy (even though no one was listening) for months until one day it didn't. One day, it just clicked, and I realised I meant it and liked myself. It is within our power to alter this sort of narrative and tone it down. It's hard work, but quite interesting, and very empowering.

You could, for example, say to yourself: I've dyed my hair dark for a long time and I might like a change now. Maybe I'll lighten it and let it grow back to its natural colour. Just accept that you might fancy a change rather than haranguing yourself that the choice you have made until now is so awful.

I wish I had a skinny face and big eyes 😩 Lucky you!!!!
if you are pale, that's beautiful too. But maybe just have your naturally blonde hair instead of dyeing it black (if you want to). I used to love my naturally very dark hair but because I'm also naturally pale, I can see that lighter hair does suit me more ☹️ but of course it's entirely up to you!
I see you as Morticia Addams, you lucky woman 😍😄

If you can afford to, you should talk to someone professionally about this. You've correctly identified this is a "your head" problem, not a "your face" problem. Changing your face won't help.

Another thing to consider is that there is no single beauty standard. Truly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Dark hair, thin face, big eyes will be a perfect beauty ideal for many people.

And attractiveness is not a combination of body parts or face shapes. When I think of the people I am attracted to, they're not a "type".

What can I actually do? I’ve had years of therapy, I go to the gym, I “look after myself” in terms of appearance. I just feel like an ugly creature that people stare at when they see me and almost pity my partner.

Well you've done the right thing by no longer putting all this on your partner.

But if years of therapy hasn't helped, I don't think there's anything else you can do to be honest.

I hope this perspective is helpful to you, but truly just scroll on if not.

I am mid as all hell. I am short, pretty dumpy by genetics and love of cake, and not pretty at all. I can't be bothered much with make up and to be honest never do more than tinted cream for even work. My hair is like a mixture of straight with inexplicably wavy parts and it's thin. I'm clean and probably smell OK, but that's the best of it. I do like clothes and spend time on Pinterest, ebay, and Vinted to cook up looks I like, but it's still arrangingchairs on the titanic, frankly. In summary, probably a 3/10.

My husband however, is pretty good looking, fit, clever, kind, and extremely successful at work, and with friends, and family. I've never met anyone who doesn't like him (fucker) (I am cranky as heck).

Rather than thinking he deserves better, because I am undoubtedly punching above my weight, I see it more as the utter fool can't see that he could have done better, and I am going to be the LAST person to highlight this to him.

I'm treating the whole situation as cosmic karma for a previous life in which he came back for punishment, and me a reward. I'm certainly not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Men are, in my opinion, relatively simple creatures and not much given to thinking too hard about these things. It's not our job to upskill them.

Enjoy your situation. Revel in your perceived good
fortune. Laugh in the face of it all.

I'm not minimising your feelings, nor discounting how helpful you might find sone good therapy, but in the meantime this might be something that allows you to take some of the heat out of it all xx