My brother keeps berating my life choices

[fallasleeponthecouch]

I am 28. My brother is 35.

I still live at home, the rental market is crazy in my area and it’s just not possible for me to move out at the moment (I’m single). I pay rent to my parents, very much have my own life and it’s more of a cohabitation situation now rather than a child living with parents. I’m very independent. I save into a LISA each month but I’m looking at a huge deposit to buy alone.

Over the last few months my brother has been critiquing me for travelling. I have somewhat mastered the art of a cheap trip. I’m good at hunting down Airbnb deals, and I’ll happily fly at ridiculous hours to get a cheaper flight. I love to travel. For example, I have a ten day trip coming up that I’ve managed to fully book for about £600. I save each month into a travel fund so that I’ll have spending money too.

He also loves to travel, but does so by putting it on a credit card with his wife. Their justification is that by doing this, they earn a companion voucher at the end of the year and they can take another trip. Each to their own, I personally don’t go into debt to travel.

Recently every time I’ve seen him it’s “don’t you think you should cancel that trip and put the money into your LISA?”.

He never bought his own home. He married a woman who was a homeowner and he just pays towards the bills. He’s not on the deeds or the mortgage.

I’m a bit sick of it, to be honest. There’s nothing from my parents to suggest they’re unhappy with our current living situation, and they encourage me to travel. I think his annoyance is that his eldest son starts school this September and so they can’t take the cheap holidays they’ve been used to anymore. He lived at home until he was 29, and moved straight from his mum’s house to his wife’s house!

AIBU to think these types of comments just aren’t necessary given he hasn’t exactly saved for a house himself?

Seems like normal sibling stuff. I would still tell him that you are doing very well with your saving, and that if you needed advice you’d go to a professional.

Just yawn and say “you’re getting boring now Darren” and don’t give it any more conversation.

Well the obvious answer is to tell him to butt out, which tbh I definitely would do if this was my brother! But a couple of things did jump out at me from your post - the first being that you both seem very aware of each other's finances. There's no reason why you really need to know what he puts on credit (which there's nothing wrong with, by the way!) or whether he's on the deeds of his house, which then makes me wonder if you chat about money a lot, which might make him feel like he can comment on it? The other possibility is that he's picking up some signals from your parents that they would like an end point to this arrangement - maybe not now, but at least a five year plan or something.

Tell him to back off and mind his own business.

Sounds like jealousy to me. Along with a bit of arrogance. Your choices sound far more sensible. Does he also think you should ‘settle down’ and have some children to clip your wings a bit?

I only know because he told us that they had to consolidate credit card debt into her mortgage, which was why he couldn’t contribute to a family holiday we all took.

My parents are well aware of my plans and very happy with them, to be honest I’m considering upping and leaving the country at some point in the next couple of years and they know that. I’m just trying to take a look at my options and what I can do

Option A it is then! 😆

Go live your life @fallasleeponthecouch

I’d be more thinking about your parents than your DB but I know, as a parent of a daughter a few years younger than you, it would be great to see my adult children moving out and doing their own lives at 28 odd. That said it is none of your brother’s business.

“I’m not the one in debt, Darren”.

I wonder if your brother envies your plans, your savings, the holidays you’ve paid for and your ability to look after yourself? Because he’s done none of that and has none of that

I would throw the fact that he's a cocklodger right back in his face next time he tries to make you feel small or stupid.

Has he always been insufferable?

To be honest I think he’s just jealous. I get the feeling he doesn’t like his life now, and if he’d not got his girlfriend pregnant he’d likely be living like I am now

To be honest I do feel like doing this sometimes. He landed on his feet, for sure

Ask him directly if he is jealous of you? If he says that’s ridiculous then point it. That should shame him into butting out

Maybe he wants to move back in with his parents.

Just say lol you sound jealous. He’s trying to limit your life due to his jealoosy. Tell him to fuck off.

Ew to his debt and cocklodging.

He doesn’t realise that lots of adults now live alongside their parents , under the same roof. He’s a bit behind the times. He thinks you’re doing it wrong. He seven years older than you and not as aware that coupling up and mortgaging to the hilt is going out of fashion.

Why don’t you? What are you saying while he berates you? You just sit there?

I just smile awkwardly because what’s the point in causing a big family bust up and making it awkward?

Just ignore him

On this forum, people find men still living at their parents at that age extremely unappealing , rightly or wrongly.

He has a sibling opinion on you living with your parents, just ignore.

Just smile, wink and say you understand why he’s jealous

Why would you responding in kind cause ‘a big family bust up’ of his berating you doesn’t?

He’s giving you shit and you’re tired of it. Stand up for yourself, give him a few home truths and tell him to pack it in. If he doesn’t like it, that’s his lookout. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.

Sibling rivalry. Your brother knows you're in a better position than him so he's trying to feel better by being negative about your situation.
I'd not engage. Just tell him you're doing OK as you are, thank you and change the subject.

Yes, ikwym. Could you have a quiet word, though? Or.. better idea.. if he says this in front of everyone .. say something like, ok.. does everyone here think this? Are you all disapproving of me, or just bro? Let’s get this straight, and move on.
You don’t have to say it in a heavy or aggressive way. Just a thought.