I've noticed a lack of confidence is off-putting, and it makes me concerned about how I come across

[TheElegantFairy]

I don't want this to sound mean or unkind because it's nobody's fault, but I met up with a friend who needs a lot of reassurance and is anxious and it made me understand that I've potentially acted the same in the past.

Very overly accommodating, everything is prefaced with 'only if you want to', 'only if that's ok?' Simple things like where to eat or drink, or future plans. Lots of 'don't worry if you can't' 'you don't have to' and so on.

Lack of eye contact, lots of apologising, for things like going to the toilet that don't need apologising for. Putting themselves down and not owning who they are.

This isn't the person's fault but I can see how those behaviours can be off-putting, whether in friendship or a relationship. Not saying never be accommodating at all, but I see the power of confidence and it makes me want to celebrate who I am and own things, instead of trying to be a people pleaser.

Hope this makes sense and doesn't sound harsh, has anyone else experienced this?

Your post comes across like you're looking for an excuse to be an arse to be honest.

You wanting to 'celebrate who you are' and 'not be a people pleaser' really has nothing to do with the person you're posting about other than you feeling superior.

Confidence is attractive
Putting your friends down is unattractive.

Not at all. It's not this person's fault, it's not about feeling superior, I said I've demonstrated those behaviours myself and I can see how it comes across as a lack of confidence.

You are you and she is she, neither is better or worse than the other you are just both individuals.

So you've acted this way in the past, but you don't like it when this particular friend does it? What's your actual point?

I didn't dislike it, I more recognised that I have been the same and that it does come across as a lack of confidence. It isn't her fault.

I find that sort of thing extremely irritating but I avoid those people I don’t meet up with them and then moan about them. Are you wanting tips for not being like that? Or what? Because I don’t think it’s clear from your post.

I just noticed it and saw some of it in myself, and it's made me want to not be like that.

Well, good for you, I guess. Let me know when you want to meet up.

Yes, I agree it’s off putting because it puts the other person in the position of feeling they have to coddle and reassure. That creates an imbalance in a friendship.

So don’t be like that.

Sometimes it's easier said than done to just 'be confident' and stop people pleasing /stop apologising. Some people grew up in households where they've been conditioned to think they're in the wrong all the time and have to keep apologising, some people lack eye contact due to anxiety or neurodiversity, some people aren't great in social situations for a range of reasons. Yes I get it's annoying but I would try to not be too hard on people like that as you never know the reasons why
. I'm currently working on apologising less etc. But it's taking me a long time and hard work from me to break down the barriers that were causing me to do this my whole life. I would love to be confident and not a people pleaser, I don't enjoy being like this 😂

Then don't.

What's the point of the thread other than you wanting everyone to know someone's anxiety is off putting to you?

And you want to be a better person than them by 'celebrating you'?. Tell us what is so much better about you that needs celebrating?

And how are you going to go about it in your future interactions?

It’s absolutely tough to change when something is so ingrained but you are awesome for recognizing and working at it.

Noticing it is the biggest part. Recognizing the impact on others is a good motivation for changing if you are naturally less likely to do things just for yourself.

But equally people who dictate what they want to do and expect everyone to go along with their wishes are just as annoying

I find it irritating. But I find a lot of posts on this board irritating, with people going OTT about minor stuff, overthinking and needing lots of reassurance and advice. My life hasn’t been easy but I have got on with it. I wonder how they cope in life. I just avoid commenting, for their sake and mine.

My partner can be like this and I find it difficult sometimes tbh as I’m so different to that and in all honesty it used to come across as a bit ‘wet’ to me.
I have a lot of empathy as I think it’s an embedded trauma response from their youth (look up the four f’s ) I’m more fight whereas they’re more fawn and freeze.

I don’t think being confident and being a people pleaser are mutually exclusive.

Someone who is content has a large emotional surplus and may tell people “only if you want to”, “I don’t mind if you can’t” etc, because they genuinely don’t mind either way, not because they’re seeking validation.

I do agree with you that most people associate assertiveness with confidence. But maybe the genuinely confident people don’t care whether you think their lack of assertiveness is a sign of insecurity, because they’re not actually insecure and so your opinion isn’t an issue for them.

Having said that, you said your friend puts herself down a lot too, which suggests this isn’t the case for her.

Agreed that people who bleed insecurity are offputting. Ditto people who constantly put down how they look, etc. Of course, I doubt anyone is choosing to be like that on purpose. But I think recognising that it's a behaviour that other people find challenging gives you a good opportunity to fake it til you make it - practising not doing it, even if it's 'just' to be less offputting, can end up making you more confident.