AIBU to ask for practical ways to feel better today?

[Fedddup]

I’m really stuck in life. I have a cold husband who doesn’t care about my feelings, does nothing around the home, doesn’t really do anything to help with DD. I have no friends, actually I don’t know if that statement is true as I know lots of people but not sure if they my friends - we go for coffee and occasionally drinks. I have siblings but due to childhood SA I have drifted from them as they still talk to my abuser and act like it’s no big deal.

Ive been slowly putting on weight. t’s so hot but I’m wearing jeans and the thought of putting on a dress fills me with anxiety.

before people say leave DH obviously I will at some point but leaving right now I can’t cope with and will put me in a suicidal mind frame as how will I cope with moving out (it’s his home, in his name and his parents bought for him when he was younger) so please try to understand this when giving advice as I have no where to go. Can I have practical tips on how today I can feel better

Take a cold and flu capsule, get washed & dressed and go out ALONE for the day, let him care for your DD, have a coffee somewhere and read a book! Take yourself out of the situation for even a temporary fix while you focus on yourself.

in the long run of course you know what you need to do, but for today do a few small things to make yourself feel better again

Thank you @Blueseudeshoes it made me laugh you said take a cold and flu tablet - I don’t have a cold but I can see I wrote cold on the OP! I meant my husband is very unloving and a cold person x

Think of one small thing that you can do, for example take yourself (and DD if needed) out for an ice cream, find some floaty wide leg trousers to buy, or reach out to one of your friends (you will have many!) and set up a meet for the future, or just start up a conversation.

If you can do one small thing each day you’ll build up the confidence to do the big thing that you know you need to do. 💐

go for a drink with your husband? You don’t have to talk? Play scrabble or something when you are there?

Unless you've been married and cohabitating for only a few years, when it comes to divorce, the house is not his but matrimonial assets.

Are you working?

Doing something may well help. So depending on your options/budget:

-something with your DD. The park for ice cream, a climbing wall to play ‘the floor is lava’, lunch in a cafe, a stroll through the woods and a paddle in a stream. The library to choose new books.

-something on your own. Lunch out. The library or a bookshop. Take some paper and sketch people from a cafe table. Write a letter to your future self.

Whatever you choose, let it be something that somewhat distracts you and maybe gets you out of your rumination. Green spaces, woodland, beaches all positively affect our mood and biochemistry. Play and new activities also give a dopamine boost.

Oh goodness sorry!! It’s been a long morning! Hahah i’m glad I made you laugh

@FedddupI'll make you laugh again OP. I read blueseudeshoes comment and thought...the op didn't say she had a cold then read the first post again and saw the word cold and thought "oh yes she did" then when you commented again saying you didn't have a cold I read it for a 3rd time and got what you said!! Phew! Not doing well today but I hope you have a better day without a cold.

You need to go outside even if its just sitting in the garden for an hour take some deep breath will do you the world of good

Well there your day is better you don’t have a cold! So as others have said take yourself off out for the day. How old is your daughter ? Could you have a girlie day

Did he ring fence the house legally when you married? If not, it’s a marital asset.

Agree with PP, you need to get outside and moving. Can you get to a nearby town and have a nice lunch? Go to cinema? Something to distract you?

I hope better times are around the corner. 💐

I’m sorry you’re feeling rubbish 💐

The cliches, unfortunately, are true. You will definitely feel less awful by doing these things. Possibly not by much.

Go outside, preferably with your dd. Blackberry picking?

Find a body of water to look at, listen to and ideally feel on your skin.

Make a plan for the future, however tiny. Look up a raspberry variety to grow if you have any space at all for a pot or plant (a raspberry cane requires 0 effort and very little space, and produces lovely raspberries for years.

Do something creative, again preferably with your dd. Make biscuits, paint a picture, play an instrument, sing a song, start sewing a bag or knitting a hat.

Smile at your husband and give him a kiss.

Do a thing, fix a thing and plan a thing.
The first thing I'd do is get a dress on. You're not going to feel any better gussied up and physically uncomfy in your jeans. Dont look in the mirror, just stick it on. Be kind to your body and keep it cool and comfy
Then:
I'd go online and order myself a floaty dress for next day delivery. That's fixing a thing.
I'd make some sort of plan towards improving my situation. It could be that you'll arrange a coffee with an acquaintance, walk 10k steps a day, up your fruit and veg intake. Plan how you'll do it.
Lastly I'd do a thing that gave me pleasure. No matter how small. For me it's always a walk in the woods.
Then repeat each day. Do, fix, plan.

Go buy The Midnight Library and sit in the park reading it!

Nice hot bath or shower? Don’t even bother washing your hair if you CBA - just enjoy the sensation of the water.

Very simple deep breathing exercise like this one?

30 min walk round the block when it’s cooler this evening, listening to a few favourite songs on shuffle?

Good luck, OP. I hope this is the turning point for you starting to feel happier. 💐Things don’t go in a straight line but finding a few moments in the day to be kind to yourself and put a little bit back in your tank is a great start so well done you for starting this thread x

I would second the things everyone has already said. When I'm really down I find new PJ's are very uplifting for some reason. It's a treat for yourself.

Feet on grass makes me feel better. Can you walk somewhere alone (leave DD with husband) preferably with greenery/nice scenery, or do you have a dog that can be walked in nice surroundings?

Maybe take a book so you can read and relax?
It will lift your spirits a little. 🌳

I'm sorry to hear about your family still talking to your abuser, that sounds awful. 😔 I hope you get the support you need 💕

Is it over for you and your husband? If not would you do counseling?
If it is over, do you work, so you can eventually get a game plan in place/ducks in a row? 🤔

Apologies for the million questions. It's hard when you feel this way, but there is light at the end of the tunnel 🫂
A decent meal, some hydration, a nice walk in pretty surroundings, followed by a bubble bath and a decent sleep will all help you in the short term xxx
@Fedddup sending hugs 🫂

Book yourself an appointment with a divorce lawyer. You’ll be surprised what you’re entitled to, and you’ll feel better for having taken a proactive step today.
Think about career progression- what can you do about that? Get qualifications? Sign up for a course? Look for a job?

Search for Zawn on FB/Substack. She has good advice on 'quiet quitting' a marriage you can't leave and making the best of it in the meantime.

I would say just give that love to yourself. Do things that you like, small things. Buy yourself some comfy lightweight trousers. Spend quality time with your daughter, or yourself. Try and develop your relationships with your many acquaintances. Start planning to leave, get legal advice. It might help to see the path forward, to feel less trapped. Maybe join support groups for single mothers and see how they are coping - seeing others who have done what you want to do and that it improved their lives, could give you hope and a way forward. Good luck!

Tell yourself that although your situation right now is not good it is temporary and it will get better in the future. Start visualising the future that you want for yourself and your DD. Take the first step towards your new future by contacting your GP and seeing if she can put you in touch with local women’s support groups. Contact citizens advice to get some information about where you stand financially should you leave or divorce your husband. IMO if you are married and he has not added you to the deeds of the house, which is your marital home this is financial control which is domestic abuse. If he is cold and unloving towards you that is emotional abuse. Obviously it takes time but if you make small steps I’m sure you will stop feeling so helpless and stuck and you will start to believe in yourself more. You can do it 👸

Take a noce shower and eat a nice breakfast.
Call someone
If you can go somewhere like a park or beach for a walk with someone or your child.
If you can start to contact friends or family to be lifted up in a cold relationship for some emotional support do so.
Make an appointment to.sort put any anxiety or depressing moods.

Do you have your own bank account? If you do start adding to it. Start small but it will soon grow and give you a leaving fund. Is your relationship with dh doomed or is it salvageable? If it's not try to make a life apart from the family life eg take up a hobby, go to a book club and let dh babysit. Do you drive? I would suggest learning to If you can't as this will give you more freedom. Try and do something just for yourself every day. Good luck!

Sorry everyone for not replying. To be honest I couldn’t make myself leave the house for fun today I just took DD to Tesco then we went to buy a blazer for her new secondary school.

to answer some questions: yes the marriage is doomed, he’s not been intimate with me for years and is very moody and angry all the time. We don’t have a shared bank account and even though he earns 5x as much as I do he doesn’t help me. I’m overdrawn as soon as money comes into my account. I don’t really spend any money on myself, it all goes on DD’s swimming, piano lessons, food/groceries and bills. He pays the mortgage. So yes I have my own bank account but it’s overdrawn every month.

@Littlejellyuk we tried counselling but did t work. He just has a lot of contempt for me.

He tells me my life is so easy as he works full time but I’m just a loser who works part time and have no money. He also works away a lot so during the week he’s not here and quite honestly that’s when I feel I can breathe. Weekends are very stressful

It's stifling hot here, too hot to be outside, so I have spent the last three hours lying on my bed, windows open, curtains closed but catching in the breeze. My room is cool and calm. Relaxing, reading a book and drinking a long cold spritzer.

Now it has cooled down I will get on with the chores.

I am embracing the principles of the siesta. It feels very civilised. 😊

Start making a plan. Write down some goals - can be anything, plan for the week, plan for a year's time. Get your goals on paper, and then tell people IRL about your situation. Pick your favourite couple of people you sometimes have a drink with and let them know. Your self esteem has been worn down - you'll be surprised how many women will support you if you let them. Keep records of what you spend and make sure you have all your paperwork in order.