AIBU to worry DH is undermining my bond with our son?

[Grover1]

Since DS was born, it's been very clear that DH has become really competitive (not sure that's the best word to use) about DS. He always pushed for me to bottle feed in the early days rather than BF (I didn't), said I held him too much and that he should "want" dad more instead of mum all the time. As DS got older this continued - he had a bit of a mummy stage but DH would always comment on it e.g. "mum doesn't have to do everything you know", "don't you love Dad?" " I may as well not be here". The bit that sticks out the most for me is that he never really actively encouraged or supported me being a good, loving mum to our DS, rather it just comes across that he's butt hurt that our son wanted me a lot of the time. I don't know if it's felt worse because ILs were exactly the same with the baby comments. Even now if I'm home and DS runs to see me, MIL and DH do a kind of joking eye roll with something along the lines of oh surprise surprise mum is home, that's us bombed out. He will also say things to DS like " mum doesn't like dad" if we have a silly bicker about something, eg the other night I asked if he hung the washing up and he said he forgot, I jokingly said oh for goodness sake what are you like.! I don't think he should be making comments like that to DS and have told him this.

Well now DS is definitely moving towards a "dad" stage which is fine and to be expected. It does hurt a little as I miss the closeness of putting him to bed and things but it is what it is and he just wants some time with his dad. I can't help feel a bit worried though that this has been actively encouraged and like DH has almost encouraged to DS push me aside?

His interactions with DS are so intense, it would take me a whole other post to explain it, but he is just so overbearing and stifling around DS that I'm glad when he goes to work or I can take DS out on my own somewhere. It's far easier and more enjoyable as bad as that sounds. I can't work out if DH is a very insecure person that desperately needs DSs love, or just doesn't like me lol. In all honesty I think it's the former. I'm just worried about how this is affecting DS and if in the long run it's going to weaken my bond with him because of his dad saying things all the time and being completely overbearing.

Perhaps I am being too sensitive and please feel free to tell me so.

It depends, as with everything we don’t know how extreme things are but our kids definitely went through a mummy daddy stage, and we both definitely rallied against them always wanting the other, because both of you will be exhausted as all with young kids are, and hurt that they want the other all the time. I think your tiredness and hurt might be the reason you’re thinking dh pushed your child into suddenly wanting him although with everything of course there’s a chance, but it is unlikely. And very few parents acknowledge that the other is doing brilliantly imo, would be great if they did of course, but everyone is exhausted and irrational really!!!

My kids are teens now and their dad can’t do wrong as they’ve more in common now with sport and chesss and I still feel the same as when they were toddlers and said ‘want daddy’ when I was doing everything 😂

Sounds like you have two children, OP.....

Your H sounds unhinged.

Pushing you to bottle feed instead of breast feeding? Telling you that you held your tiny baby too much? Everything you say about his behaviour is not normal and is extremely concerning.

You are not being too sensitive. For your own good and that of your child you should think about your future with this man.

What do you mean by overbearing and stifling

This sounds like a terribly unhealthy dynamic that your son will likely end up in therapy discussing one day. Have you challenged your dh? What insight does he have in to the inappropriateness of his actions?

Your husband sounds unhinged. Can you read up on parental alienation it often happens during a relationship breakdown but it very much sounds like he is starting the process. You don’t continually criticise the other parent for having a normal relationship. I would be monitoring this very carefully.

“His interactions with DS are so intense”
”he is just so overbearing and stifling around DS”
“DH is a very insecure person that desperately needs DSs love”

OP, this is not a healthy relationship. Your DC needs to be able to grow and become his own person, secure in the knowledge that his parents love him no matter what. As a PP said, you seem to have two DC here - but it’s really not good for your DC. What will your DH do when DC becomes a rebellious teenager? Your DH needs to remember he’s a parent, not your DC’s friend.

This does worry me too.
Yeah I have asked him about it before, he either says I'm being "too sensitive", he's only joking, or the one that he uses the most - he can say what he likes to his son and I don't get to "police" everything

You're absolutely right, I feel like he is desperate to be his best friend!

He is 5

You're not being too sensitive. It sounds very awkward and difficult.

Your DH is jealous of the bond between you and your son. I'd bet that what's really bothering him, underneath it all, is not that your DS loves you more - it's that the close relationship between you and DS has taken your attention (and time, and care) away from himself.

I don't think you need to worry that your DS will cool on you. Children have an inbuilt love for their parents, and a secure and caring relationship like yours won't just fade away.

But things could go very wrong with your DH - he sounds emotionally immature.

Jesus you are about 4-4.5 yrs past the optimum point to deal with this.

@sesquipedalian is on the money....
Really you need a sit down with your husband and centre the conversation on whats best for your child

Parents who do not undermine eachother.
Parents who dont mock or chastised their child for seeking comfort

Etc.

I have tried to deal with it long before now, nothing gets through and he thinks I'm over reacting and trying to control what he says around his son.

How is DH away from the child - what is the rest of your relationship like with him?

I think you should write down every single incident with a time and date, and ideally have some other people witness it too and write down their names, you don't have to talk to them about it, but keep a record.

I'm not actually sure how you deal with the problem directly. But I am pretty certain you should keep a full and accurate record because I feel that one day you are going to need it.

I think you should also keep any written conversation relating to it, and perhaps have the conversation above that someone mentioned about what's best for children etc in text message form if possible.

It sounds really extreme and adversarial, but I think there's something really wrong with this situation. Document the in-laws too.

Thank you for this, I hadn't ever really considered it in this way but you could be right.
Emotionally immature, you are correct there.
Thank you for your reassurance also.

What do you want long term? To stay together? Split? More kids?
He doesn’t sound very nice , why would he want his son to love his mum less?
im wondering if this is the dynamic he grew up with given his mum is similar.
Id try to ask him more about it coming from a trying to understand perspective and see if you can figure it out. If he says you ‘can’t police his words ‘ firstly know that’s a bullshit way of him trying to silence you. Either say ‘ no you don’t get to be rude about me and pretend it’s acceptable’ or you could point out that him trying to end the conversation is him ‘policing your words’
Whst was your relationship like before you had your son? What’s it like aside from parenting?
Just ti say my exh was abusive and said horrible things about me to our kids. With the eldest she put him on a pedestal and could see no wrong, when she got to adulthood she began to recognise his behaviour was wrong and withdrew from him . Youngest didn’t like him much and spent bare minimum time with him. Now as adults they see him a few times a year but are not close to him. Tbh I think splitting while they were young helped because I could role model what healthy relationships look like which I think influenced them better than if we had stayed together and continued to show an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Your DH sounds very immature and this is being encouraged by his parents.

He is making parenting into a competition rather than a joint responsibility where you both support each other.

You need to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. His insistence that your son should be bottle fed rather than breast fed was unbelievably selfish. He should have been totally supporting your decision to breast feed your son. I bet his parents backed him up then too.

If he doesn't change his behaviour, you may need to totally re-think your relationship.

It sounds like DH is going to really struggle as DS gets older.

Our eldest is 13 and given the choice between us and her friends she will pick her friends every time. Is your DH going to cope with being relegated to second place? Or is he going to keep treating DS like a toddler?

Do you not think she has tried that. People always say 'just sit him down and talk to him' like this is a magic solution. If it was that easy, she would have done it. Also men are not very good at putting children before themselves, so that strategy will not work.

Absolutely. Her husband sounds quite nuts.

If they separate I can see this man turning dc against the mum very easily and quickly, especially with grandma on his side.