AIBU to think this co-parenting situation has become completely unmanageable?

[Coparentingnightmareonsteriods]

Posting here for traffic as need answers.

DP has a 7 yr old DD. We have been together 4 years. They have been separated for 6 years. Coparenting has always been a huge nightmare but it got a lot worse when DP met me.

Everything you can think ex has done to make his life a misery with regards to his child she has. Everything.
-Refusing contact
-changing contact arrangements last minute
-telling SDD lies about us
-telling SDD he is due to collect her when he isn’t causing her to be upset
-malicious social services referrals (many until eventually she must have been told to stop)
-abusive messages
-refusing contact on Father’s Day, Christmas’s, birthdays etc
-the list truly goes on…

the icing on the cake was today. DP arranged to collect SDD specific time and place last weekend. He even changed his plans with SDD to accommodate a last minute text to alter the time mid week. He text this morning to confirm pick up time and location - no reply. He arrived to collect SDD at time and location agreed, she wasn’t there. He phoned ex - no answer. She then text ‘what do you want?’ He replied to collect SDD and her reply ‘you will have to find her’. He said what do you mean? She replied ‘you can now have her from xxx time as I have gone to work!’,

DP phoned me panicking as he doesn’t know where SDD is!! He phoned all members of his own family and her’s to try and find where DD was, no know knew. Then as a last resort he phoned SDD’s mobile (he avoids this as she is only 7 and shouldn’t be arranging her own custody arrangements!) she didn’t answer.
He kept trying until eventually she answered to tell him she was at her mums new boyfriends flat with him (we haven’t met him and don’t know where he lives!) new BF eventually came to the phone and gave vague area of where he lives - DP went there and retrieved SDD it was just SDD and mums BF, she hasn’t eaten breakfast and new BF appeared a bit bewildered with it all and actually said he wasn’t ’allowed’ to have SDD over.

We have been to court. Every arrangement is trashed in days and it doesn’t deter her!

What can we actually do about this?

You - or rather your DP - needs to apply for residency. Or at least 50/50.

This is an absolutely hideous thing to do to her own daughter. What a selfish piece of work. Document everything and speak to a solicitor?

We had it at one point! For about 5 months - obtained through the courts and ex managed to whittle it down, by refusing handover, changing extra circular activities to different days, getting SDD to phone and say she hated DP and didn’t want to stay with him. We have been back to court, got slightly less because court could see the damage being done to SDD and appeared to think less would ‘help mum managed this better’ - been to court 3 times in total now

I agree that your DP needs to consult a solicitor urgently.

Your DP's ex's boyfriend saying that he isn't really allowed contact with your DP's daughter is ringing alarm bells.

I'd be really worried about the bf comment that he isn't allowed to have contact with her. I'd be making a note of his address and asking the police for a Claires law / Sarah's law disclosure. I'd also be contacting the school and giving examples of how the mum isn't acting in the child's best interest and advising that you're concerned about the effect on the child of being messed about so much and ask for any advice, at least they might be able to do some more pastoral care at school for her and help her through her feelings, even if they can't do anything to change the situation

This. I would contact police. Do a Sarah's law request as you are concerned who your child is spending time with.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to cause alarm with the new BF comment I think it was meant as though he has work or other commitments and wasn’t supposed to be looking after her. DP said he looked stressed by it all.

like I said we have seen him from a distance and sports day in June but never met him. A different man was staying over and buying SDD Xmas presents Christmas 2025 so this is a new relationship

Her behaviour is going to see her lose custody imo...
Could dsd realistically attend her current school from your address?
Apply for resodenvt and have a potential schedule already worked oit. Fit in her dm seeing her eow and 1 night through the week.

Sounds like misunderstanding over what the new arrangement was. Why did he need to call to make arrangements to pick his daughter up? If things are difficult, they should have set days and times and only make changes in emergency situations. Also using a co-parenting app with a calendar so everything is perfectly clear.

It doesn't sound even remotely like a misunderstanding, it sounds 100% like malicious fuckery from the kids Mum.

It doesn't sound even remotely like a misunderstanding, it sounds 100% like malicious fuckery from the kids Mum
Well yes, from OPs perspective but in conflictual co-parenting situations, it's amazing how different accounts are of the same situation and perspectives are poles apart.

I had called the police and reported a child missing .

Get a solicitor. Now.

She's a cunt. Some posters will be along to make it your husband's fault.

They do have set days, but ex changes the time and place of drop of regularly, sometimes later, sometimes earlier sometimes a different day entirely.

They did use a parenting app as the court recommended it. She then deleted it and text him saying she wasn’t prepared to use it anymore.

They have also used email and a 3rd party, but she does it for a bit and then changes her mind. Ultimately SDD is 7 he has to be able to communicate with her so he has to use whatever method she is going for at the time

Thank you. She is. She genuinely is.

She seems to get a kick out of this. DP has received voice notes of his DD crying saying she doesn’t like daddy and we can hear her mother whisper things like ‘good girl, tell him what you tell me, tell me he is a bad man like you tell me’ honestly it’s horrifying

we have recorded and reported to court and once I referred to social services on the basis of emotional abuse. We know social services visited because she told us and then ‘punished DP’ by sending him a text in the night saying SDD has been ‘rushed to hospital because of her heart’ then refused to answer the phone. Again he had to call family to find out (who knew nothing as it was a lie)

Was your DP married to his ex and what led to their relationship breakdown when they had a one year old? Was he dating before you met?

Not married. Together 5 years. She cheated (a lot). No and we met in real life, he wasn’t on the apps etc

Tell her only communication going forward is via parenting app. She doesnt want to use it because she cant delete things and they can be used in court. This will need to be a long game. What does court order now say? Everytime she breaches, go back to court. In meantime ensure he still keeps regular contact with dd but without mentioning why hes not currently seeing her.

Poor kid, id be inclined to keep her on next visit and let her go to court, SDD must be in utter turmoil emotionally!!!