Am I wasting my time again

[ThereIsAlwaysWine]

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel completely overwhelmed and heartbroken.

I’ve been with my partner for around 30 years (we divorced but got back together). We still love each other and have had some lovely times recently, and was due to go on holiday which I was really looking forward to.

However, we have a long-standing pattern where, whenever there is conflict, he shuts down, withdraws and avoids discussing things. Eventually things are brushed under the carpet and we carry on until the next time. This has happened repeatedly over many years.

The latest situation has really hurt me. He accused me of something completely untrue, which made me feel like he doesn’t trust or know me at all. Since then he has barely communicated and is currently ignoring me, which is something he has done before.

I love him, which is what makes this so difficult, but I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve spent years adapting to him, shrinking myself and accepting things I’m not actually okay with. I’ve also realised I’ve changed since getting back together. I’ve lost motivation and stopped doing things I used to enjoy.

My mental health has already been fragile due to menopause, family pressures and general life stress, and I feel like I don’t have the capacity to keep going through this cycle.

The hardest part is that I do believe he loves me in his own way, and we have history and good memories, but I’m starting to question whether love is enough when the same patterns keep hurting me.

Am I right to step back unless there is genuine change, or am I throwing away something valuable because I’m hurt and emotional right now? I’d really appreciate honest opinions.

He isn't going to change at this stage. You either have to accept it, or move on.

He's hurt your and now he's hoping he can ignore the problem and it will go away. It won't, it will stay unresolved. You're not throwing anything away, you've tried and he's not responding

You have history and good memories, fine, but what about the future?
Do you want to spend your retirement living with this man?

He won’t change! My DH had 21 years of this with his ex wife and in the end they metaphorically couldn’t get in the room because of all the shite swept under the carpet!!

He loves you in his own way but what about your way? Is it all on his terms?
You're shrinking and not yourself you say. Thats not how you should feel in a truky loving relationship.Doesn't sound good. It sounds tiresome and someone who refuses ti discuss anything on an emotional level comes across as immature and hard work.
Time to jump off the sinking ship and find someone more fun and open.
You divorced for a reason and maybe got back together because it was familiar territory.

"Loves me in his own way" should mean things like he doesn't buy you flowers but he remembers your favourite type of fancy tea. Or he's not great at expressing his emotions but he'll give you a cuddle every morning when he thinks you're still sleeping.

It sounds like he's just not a good person and expects you will just put up with his shit cos you've done it for so long.

I'm sorry OP but what you describe isn't love. It's unkind, uncaring and cruel. You got back together but nothing has changed, I would question whether he is actually capable of changing or even wants to.

You have two choices - stay with him and endure repeated bouts of his cruelty or leave and find some peace and equilibrium. I hope you make the right choice for you - you deserve much better than what you are accepting from him.

Thank you, you're all so right, I'm just very very sad today, I can't believe he could be so cruel

Get rid of him for good. Will be much better for you in the long run

Believe the pattern, not the person.

The silent treatment is abusive and manipulating you into begging for communication or saying sorry for something you didn't do (gaslighting). I think you've wasted enough time on this child. You deserve to be happy.