Using my Saturday to see my MIL

[Donotfitin]

I’m pretty sure I’m being unreasonable but it doesn’t make it any less annoying (to me!)

so for context MIL lives 8 hrs away from us. My DH always goes and visits and stays with her for a whole week (it’s his holiday). I’ve stayed for the past 4 years because I hadn’t accrued AL, and even though I WFH doesn’t have a landline nor broadband and there’s no reception (so I can’t work at all).

We’ve looked into staying at an Airbnb but I would have to pay a £1k for the pleasure of working so thanks but no thanks.

anywho… my MIL also comes and visits and stays with my SIL, so that’s the only time I ever get to see her (which once or may twice during her stay).

So tomorrow is one of those days (which is fine!) but it turns out that we need to do whatever my SIL wants to do because my MIL wants to be around her for most of the day. The activity planned is still like 4 hours, and I use my weekend to do all the things I don’t have time during the week.

I get that needs must but still I’d rather have a quick drink somewhere than spending 4 hours doing something that is definitely not my thing at all.

So don't go.

I rarely see her so I know it’s the least I could do. Not seeing would be incredibly rude.

Just say “quality over quantity “ and suggest you just meet up for acdrink later in the day. Of course MIL prefers a long visit with her children to a short catch up, which you prefer. She’s not wrong but neither are you. Do what works for you.

Can you get there early and have a coffee with MIL and then say you have another commitment so can't join the activity?

Do you hate her for some reason? One Saturday in your local area doesn't sound like a big ask when you don't ever travel to her and aren't seeing her the rest of the time she's staying with SIL.

According to my DH that’s simply not going to work. Which is what I suggested, we pick her up, take her somewhere nice for afternoon tea (or whatever) and everyone’s happy. But apparently that’s not an option :/

You almost never see this woman. Sucking it up for four hours doesn’t seem like a big deal to me.

One 4 hour slot to see your MIL who you otherwise hardly ever see?

In most families there would be weekend visits to ILs who live at distance - because of the extreme distance / lack of facilities you never do this. So a 4 hour stint seems minimal, really.

Marriage involves families.

‘We need to do whatever MiL wants to do’. Is that your Dh’s words? Compromise needed - let DH go and see her afterwards

It’s 4 hours from one Saturday, YABU. Obviously you don’t like her but it’s still minimum effort for a few hours.

I’ve never said I don’t like her, she’s literally a stranger to me.

for reference I never take time to see my DM (but she comes and stays with us).

If she’s literally a stranger after all this years and you don’t dislike her then that’d even more reason to make a tiny bit of effort to spend 4 hours with her.

Either go or don’t. I’m not understanding the issue.
Will SIL’s partner be there?

Although if you have already agreed to it, I would go this time.

I’ve only seen her a handful of times since I’ve been with my DH (almost 10 years).

I think apart from the 4 times we’ve visited her (maybe 3) I’ve met her in 6 separate occasions (as in days).

I’ve also only ever seen my SIL like 10 times and we live locally!

Yea, which I’m also super uncomfortable about (he’s a bit “grabby” but that’s a matter for a separate thread!)

bit, yes, the event is around her partner.

I would say, just go.

I work full time and I spend my Saturdays doing housework and jobs around the house, so I can have Sunday off chilling. But occasionally you have to be flexible. Last Saturday I spent my day helping out at my parents village fete. It isn't something I would choose to do, and it meant working there on Saturday and spending Sunday doing chores - but I did it because it makes them happy.

Occasionally you just need to change your routine and make others around you feel happy.

You are doing it for your DH
If you love him, slap a smile on, get stuck into whatever you are doing, MIL brought him up, so must have some interesting stories

Take the Ted Lasso view on it
”I love meeting people’s mums it’s like a textbook on why they’re crazy”

It’s one Saturday

I don’t want to go and see The Odyssey later (3 hour film plus trailers, plus pissing about before and after) but apparently “it won’t be the same if I’m not there” and I’ll like it more than I think I will. So I am going. And will get into the spirit of things, live in the moment or whatever the “#livingyourbestlife” says!

So you don't take time off to do stuff with your own mother when she stays, you don't really have any connection with your SIL even though she lives locally and your MIL is a stranger to you? I mean, just own it that you CBA with people 😆.

When you say BIL is grabby, do you mean letchy?

I mean my DM stays for at least 4 weeks so it makes sense I don’t take time off in a way!

So my in-laws have been te seemed to have an interest in me in general (which I get!) but for example my MIL and some point said she didn’t understand why I had to work FT, and when they came to see our new house they mentioned how it was a big accomplishment for my DH (but not me even though it was my family who helped us buy it and it’s thanks that I have a job that we could buy this house!)

but overall yes I don’t make a lot of effort with most people.

and yes by grabby I meant that. It was very uncomfortable he grabbed me from the back and whispered something gross!

oh I would at very least not be around him regardless of the Mil issue AND if asked, I'd say why.
back to the Mil thing though. I really did love my late Mil but when we moved away from where she lived, I saw her much less often than my husband did. For various reasons, including the fact that we both had dogs who didn't get on. If you don't want to go, don't go.

It is about supporting your DH too

One Saturday a year, surely you can do this ?

I don’t think he necessarily cares….

He even said we’re only doing so I can hang out with his DM (as they’re leaving with her the very next day).

for better or for worse my MIL really got along with my DHs exW , to the extent that she kept calling her and sending gifts, etc… and his exW felt uncomfortable and then my MIL stopped. I was talking to our eldest and he said his nan is just quiet and not to take it personally.

Flip it around, how are you going to feel in the future when you want to spend quality time with your adult children, but their partners object?
It's going to happen sooner than you know

I just wouldn't go. As you say, she's a stranger and 4 hours isn't going to change that. It's pretty clear she was burnt by the ex wife ditching her and maybe doesn't want to invest in another DIL relationship because of that? My former MIL was like that.
So keeping it distant is fine in my view. Surely she knows you would have contributed to the house just as much as your husband, because you work full time, it's incredibly rude of her to think it's all down her son.

But int this case my DH couldn’t care less (in the nicest of ways!) if he sees her before they all leave together the next day!