AIBU to object to ex's girlfriend and her parents babysitting?

[Rainbowgardenrose]

Backstory;
Hubby had an affair with this woman last year (she worked for us both and integrated herself into my life).
Ex hubby is a workaholic and has never been involved with the children until our separation.
We are now getting a divorce and have a child arrangements order in place for our 2 v.young boys. The court order specifically states that we are to give each other first refusal if we are unable to care for the children on our time.
My issue is that he has not been following the order and I have been told by my eldest on multiple occasions that the GF has looked after them.
I understand there are going to be occasions where she will be with them for an hour if he needs to pop out etc but these are occasions when she is meant to be working, but instead he goes to work, or they take the boys with them to work but the girlfriend or the customer looks after them.
Then, my main query was about the girlfriend parents…there have been a few occasions when my child (neurodivergent) has come home exhausted, with severe sunstroke and told me he was taken to a park or farm by the girlfriend and then left them with her parents while she went to work.

This just feels wrong on so many levels. There is no reason for the girlfriend nor her parents to be involved in the children’s lives likes this. I am always available and the grandparents and aunts are heavily involved with the boys on a weekly basis. Plus with there being a first refusal in place I do not understand why it keeps happening. My boys are consistently confused as to who their family members are and it keeps me up at night worrying if they are safe.

I am consistently nauseous and anxious. How can it be ok for the mother of her children to be disregarded like this. It feels so unnatural and abusive.

I understand there are going to be some step mums on here that disagree so please be kind in your comments as I’m really struggling to process all of this.

Also the woman in question is not maternal and is a self confessed gold digger.

If hes not following the crt order or you have concerns about your children's safety when in his care you need to raise it with your solicitor and the crt

Raise it with your solicitor and court. I think in the meantime I would cut back on the kids spending time with him unless he can prove he will be there to watch them. It’s safeguarding concern letting them be looked after her parents really, especially if the boys are confused who they are & coming back with sunstroke.

If it's in the court order and it's not being upheld, speak to your solicitor.

This. What is the current split? Sounds like maybe it needs to be renegotiated if he is unable to provide care.
Be warned, if it hasn't already, it is likely to become nasty.

If your child was returned either severe sunstroke did you take them hospital? I would be raising this a safeguarding concern with the local authority as they have come to harm whilst they were supposed too be safe and in their father ls care.

Severe sunstroke . Wow. Hope he was taken to hospital.

Stepmother here... you are not being unreasonable at all.

Despite what either party wants or thinks is reasonable, a court order is a court order and will be there for the best interests of the children.

You need to document all the times that your kids come home saying they were not looked after by their father. Are you texting or emailing him asking about it (make sure its in writing)! Make a list for your solicitor and tell them you want to follow it up. I think realistically the order should be worded that FROR is in place after X hours or if the parent is going to be X miles away etc. It's not realistic that youd get FROR for 1 hour but 4 hours probably yes.

Unfortunately your feelings toward your exes girlfriend won't come into it (whether she's maternal or not). But obviously the safety of your children is paramount.

Severe sunstroke will have been documented by the hospital won’t it? Did you tell them it happened on his watch? Have you raised all this with the court yet?

This

If your child came back with severe sunstroke I hope you had this officially looked into by your GP so it’s on record.

If you’re concerned about their safety and the fact he’s breaking the court order you need to speak to your solicitor. That’s the only solution.

retrospectively create a log of the dates where he was supposed to have them and you have evidence they were with somebody else and you weren't offered first refusal And the places that they went as well as logging everything from now on.
You will need to make sure that you are absolutely accurate that he wasn't there and they were left with other people. Does the court order say you've got to be given first refusal no matter what IE if he says I have to nip into work for an hour does he have to give you first refusal on that or is it only if he can't have them for his entire time. if it was the other way and something came up that you had to go somewhere without them for an hour or two would you offer him 1st refusal or would you perhaps ask your parents to watch them?

what did he say when you asked him about the how the severe heat stroke during his care? What did the GP/ hospital Say? how long were they ill for But they kept in hospital? You should have evidence of this to support your claim. I think it would be best to have all of this together to take to your solicitor before you go back to court.

Thank you for all your comments. I have been documenting all the times he has not been present when they are meant to be in his care.
The court order first refusal does not specify a minimum time although it does state that agreed family members to act as 3rd party if parents are not available. These would be both sets of grandmothers and great aunt.
I included a clause of 2hrs in a parenting plan but he has refused to sign it. Therefore technically he should call me straight away if he’s popping out but I’m not that petty and understand there are going to be times when the gf is going to be caring for them.
What I do not agree with is her solely looking after them and taking them out for the day. Also including her own parents to take care of them!
I have never met these people and their dad was in court with me.
I feel he should have contacted me if his mum was not available to arrange for my aunt to have them for the day while we were in court.

Regarding the sunstroke. My son regularly struggles with a high temperature. When he came home he looked like a zombie. It wasn’t until he went to bed he complained of a headache, started presenting as a fever saying his body hurts, is cold but was hot and clammy. I gave him calpol, fluids and sat with him until his body regulated. Had it continued I would of course taken him to hospital.
I raised it with their dad but he avoided confirming they were not with a family member and said they had hats (My son said he wasn’t wearing one and only had a milkshake to drink).

Its frustrating as my children are too young to give evidence and my ex consistently denies and downplays everything and even will call our son a liar.

Heartbreaking!

It’s a tricky one because in one breath, you don’t have a right to be introduced to anyone he chooses to look after the kids whilst they’re in his care.

You are no longer a couple and you have no right to ask that. As the other parent to your children he should be competent enough to not leave them in situations that could cause danger or neglect. If you think this is the case and neglect or danger are possible, you need to go back to court.

You need to ask yourself honestly if you’re just annoyed about them being with these people you don’t know or if you’re truly concerned for their safety and wellbeing whilst in their dads custody.

You may have a custody agreement that states the other parent gets first refusal but at what point in the time line of a relationship does that rule get changed to include partners. If you met someone and started a relationship would you really be calling up your ex every time you were going out to the gym/to meet friends etc and leaving you’re children at home with your partner?