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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Handhold for a friend

21 replies

Weathegirl2026 · 24/07/2026 09:17

Name change for this- friend doesn't have mumsnet but needs to know this is not normal so has asked me to post for clarification.

Boyfriend of a year:

. Tells her she is speaking to her adult kids too much and checking in with them, says they should be left alone as they are adults. They have both moved out and she checks in with them maybe once every two days for a quick whatsapp.
. Tells her she is too involved with their business and acts like their friend because she asks them about how work is going and if they go out with mates asks how their friends are (children she's known since they were in year 7 who are now in twenties)
. Tells her she checks her ring doorbell when it goes off and it's weird (she checks when someone rings the doorbell?)
. Her niece had a baby and she has babysat a couple of times to give her a break and he's said my friend is being controlling because she is living having a baby through her niece and when that didn't stop her popping over to help he told her she is being mugged off by niece? She had a baby she should deal with it.
. Has four adult kids of his own he doesn't see or speak to and told friend that a good morning and goodnight message is sufficient because otherwise how will they grow into adults and cope with their own issues.
. Invited daughters boyfriend round for dinner and then got told she was weird for wanting to meet him and to leave off.
. If she picks her phone up of an evening to google something or the like he won't speak to her the next day?
. Tells her to send him her screentime weekly because she acts dodgy on her phone.
. If I go over to see her or anyone else, he acts abrasive and like it's a massive pain that anyone is in her house- clearly trying to make us feel awkward but it doesn't work- then tries to convince her we are rude,

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 24/07/2026 09:20

Does she not listen to you irl?

Weathegirl2026 · 24/07/2026 09:24

UpDownAllAround1 · 24/07/2026 09:20

Does she not listen to you irl?

She is reading these replies so I won't be too rude but yes she does, she just doesn't realise how bad this all is.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 24/07/2026 09:26

More red flags than a red flags factory.

Tell her to run. Run like the wind.

InterestedDad37 · 24/07/2026 09:27

Get rid - this much is obvious.

Floatingdownriver · 24/07/2026 09:27

How does she feel each day with him? I read this and can only think her tummy is in knots.

Swiftie1878 · 24/07/2026 09:28

It’s about as bad as it gets. He’s not only a dick, he’s trying to suck all the joyful, loving aspects of her life right out of her.
He actually sounds quite dangerous. Long term this sort of controlling behaviour can turn very nasty.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 24/07/2026 09:30

Floatingdownriver · 24/07/2026 09:27

How does she feel each day with him? I read this and can only think her tummy is in knots.

For a one line response, this is SO insightful @Floatingdownriver, thank you. OP, ask your friend to go for a walk somewhere quiet then think about this one. After a year, it should be sunshine and roses and butterflies, not knots and anxiety.

Heyisforhorses · 24/07/2026 09:32

If she stays with him she will lose every single person she loves as hes already trying to isolate her. She needs to finish it before he destroys her life.

NCForOneNightOnly · 24/07/2026 09:32

Dangerously controlling. Thank goodness she has you!

Victorius19 · 24/07/2026 09:33

I'd say that your friend is incredibly lonely and unhappy in their life generally to be tolerating this behaviour let alone accepting it. And men like this are very clever at slow and insidious brain washing, and they choose their targets slowly and carefully. I would guide her towards counselling so she can talk this through with someone who can help her see this isn't remotely OK, because you won't be able to do it alone. View it like trying to get someone out of a cult - they've been conditioned to think that the behaviour is because they're loved so much.

AwayWiththeGoblins · 24/07/2026 09:35

Victorius19 · 24/07/2026 09:33

I'd say that your friend is incredibly lonely and unhappy in their life generally to be tolerating this behaviour let alone accepting it. And men like this are very clever at slow and insidious brain washing, and they choose their targets slowly and carefully. I would guide her towards counselling so she can talk this through with someone who can help her see this isn't remotely OK, because you won't be able to do it alone. View it like trying to get someone out of a cult - they've been conditioned to think that the behaviour is because they're loved so much.

Exactly. What events in her early life have made her think this is ok for a single second?

honeylulu · 24/07/2026 09:56

He's right that someone is controlling her.

Let's have a guess at which character that is ...

sadeyedladyofthelowlands63 · 24/07/2026 10:32

MrsMoastyToasty · 24/07/2026 09:26

More red flags than a red flags factory.

Tell her to run. Run like the wind.

Absolutely this.

PinkyFlamingo · 24/07/2026 10:35

Seriously had she issues with her self esteem? Noone should be putting up with crap like this, she doesn't need to, he's a controlling arse.

Larrythecatforpm · 24/07/2026 10:35

Get rid, he’s controlling only a matter of time before he turns violent.

MsIceSandwich · 24/07/2026 10:41

He's trying to isolate her from everyone. I fear he may not be easy to get rid of, these types never are.

Justanopinionnothingmore · 24/07/2026 10:43

Very abusive and controlling. He is cutting off her support. Please tell your friend to read why does he do that search this with free pdf.

Remember all abusers start nice otherwise no one would go near them. Then they start testing the boundaries by issuing demands and if the partner complies, they keep ramping it up until they are dependent on them. Please cut him off before it escalates.

Remember no one can tell you what to do op's friend. He is trying to damage your relationship with your children. Adult or not, see how bad that is!

Comtesse · 24/07/2026 10:45

I wouldn’t look at my 16yo DD screen time report - the very idea that she is supposed to send hers to another adult is shocking! He sounds unredeemable…

backformoreofthesame · 24/07/2026 10:45

You tell her how great she has been opening up about this abuse and that you are worried for her safety and want to know how you can help her break free - is it practical things or emotional support that she needs most ?

DaysIllRememberAllMyLife · 24/07/2026 10:54

He sounds horrific. How can she not see this isn't acceptable? How worrying.

NCForOneNightOnly · 24/07/2026 10:58

MsIceSandwich · 24/07/2026 10:41

He's trying to isolate her from everyone. I fear he may not be easy to get rid of, these types never are.

Exactly this. He’s trying to isolate her from her children and her wider family. This is classic textbook controlling and coercive behaviour. Driving a wedge between the victim and her family so that he becomes all she has.

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