Offered job but unsure if I want it- anxious

[Pig50000]

I'm supposed to start early August but not signed a contract yet or received more than provisional offer and unsure if I want it.
I have a level of social anxiety (yes I know it's my problem] and I've realised I struggle sitting all day in offices with the same people (yes I know it's my issue again)
I've been in the Civil Service for 3 years, in 2 different roles. Was fine in role 1, had friends, conversations and social events. 2nd role I was put into an established team where they'd all been there years. Nobody was rude or unkind but got a few jokes including from the manager about how I was so quiet people forgot about me, 'you never shut up do you' that sort of thing, in front of everyone.

Again nobody was nasty or anything but being labelled and made to stand out just made my anxiety worse. I would only speak when spoken to, they were told I'm leaving but nobody knows what my new job is, nobody asked or anything.

Since getting a car I've had more work opportunities open up so I applied for a community-based role that also has an office element which paid better than the CS job and more senior. Mainly field-based appealed to me, however I followed the company on social media and saw the team I'd be part of, there would be 5 of us and it was all women who looked very tight-knit, one had her arm round the other's waist and you could tell they all were very close and friends. This is bringing back my fear of being labelled as quiet, singled out, being with the same people all the time and social pressure.

Communication hasn't been great from this role, I've had to ring a few times since the provisional offer and I've received nothing in writing, anyway yesterday I finally got some more info. Whilst it was all going through I was offered a 100% community based role elsewhere, not as senior but better pay. I've done this role before and know it suits me. I don't know what to do, I don't want to mess anyone about but I need to decide quickly. Again I know it's my issue but I do not do well in office environments.

Apologies that was long, have tried to include all relevant info. It's not that I can't talk to people, my first CS job was a call centre and I did very well there, good feedback and won performance awards etc.. I also did well in community care (which is what I want to go back to) good client feedback and I enjoyed it

Have you accepted the offer? Have you done the onboarding stuff that will be needed? 1 August sounds optimistic to start. You won’t know if you like the role unless you try. Ignore looking like a close knit team - it’s a photo

5th August start date, I sent off the onboarding stuff and they said my references came back but no idea about my DBS. I've had nothing from them to say my checks are completed, a formal offer or anything which makes me worry I'd turn up on day 1 and nothing would be organised for me (had that previously)

It sounds pathetic but my most recent civil service role (dwp) has made me more withdrawn and put me off working in offices. I'd rather be out in the community where you still work with people but you chop and change and there's also a lot of lone working. True maybe I'd like it, but I don't want to hop from job to job.

go for the community based role. Sounds like fate

If you didn't have social anxiety/hadn't had these bad experiences with your last role which job would you be leaning towards?

The lack if communication doesn't sound great. Is it that which is putting you off or seeing the image of your potential future colleagues?

It sounds to me as though your last team were a bit horrible. If they were really actively trying to include you maybe those jokes would be forgiveable, but not if it's the main way they interacted with you. But it doesn't follow that all close knit teams will be like that.

It's a shame you can't meet your potential colleagues before starting, but given the system is as it is I'd try to decide based on the role & organisation & not on anxiety. Easier said than done I know, but as a fellow sufferer I know anxiety only gets worse when it rules the roost.

Thank you. I probably did bring some of it on myself but because I didn't have these issues in the first Civil Service role I hope the problem isn't 'just' me.

I think I found it tough being in a team with people who were all very outgoing, whereas in my previous time a few of us started at the same time and there were a range of personalities.

I did try to make conversation with my most recent team, but the fact that I'm leaving and nobody knows where I'm going next says a lot. I'm scared of walking in and quickly being judged, labelled and feeling the Social pressure.
Someone saying to someone about me "she's quiet" that's no issue for me, it's a fact. It's the being singled out. I need to think carefully and decide quickly.

If you don’t speak to people though, how are they meant to include you? It’s chicken and egg. You also have to make an effort- it’s two way. You say you’re quiet then complain when people notice and don’t ask you anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's true, I did speak to people when I joined as I say, ask questions and so on but I still got the quiet jokes. Also them noticing doesn't mean they have to do it in front of the whole team.

Your post completely sums up the trials of office politics & dynamics that can really make or break the job you do. All the more so if you suffer from social anxiety on top.
My question would be how come you applied for the job which has some office involvement? Were you really wanting a fully community based role but went for that one as it was better than your current? Will the solely community role conversely prove too isolating? It’s really hard to know as so much is contingent on so many variables. If you always wanted a solely community based role then I think that would be the one to pursue. What I’m trying to work out is why that’s not a straightforward decision - ie there must be something about the split role that appealed to you? Not much help sorry!

Thank you, it's a good point. The full community role is home care so will involve working with clients and sometimes other carers on double up calls but I find that different from being in an office all day. Have also done that before and never felt quiet was being an issue or singled out in any way, I was still friendly.

The issue is that I don't feel I fit into my current team, it's very much a 'I'm mad me' mentality, and it's fine but I'm the only one who's not.

The split role appealed as it's more 'senior' and hours are a bit better than community-based, but I need to remember that what sounds better on paper isn't always the best option.

I think my fear is walking into the field/office job into the same 'We're all mad here' type of environment again.

I see @Pig50000 thanks for explaining. It’s really difficult b’cos the new office could be completely different - one even where they embrace individuality more or are less “crazy”. Did your interview give you any clues as to the vibe there? I always think people who broadcast how crazy they are generally aren’t interesting or mad - more performative & quite draining! But when they exert that pressure to conform (& mock you in the process) it’s not a good place to be. I think if it’s dominating your take on everything (as anxiety tends to 🙄) I’d go for the community role where like you say the set up is completely avoided. Then the interactions and relationships you build won’t have that pressure & you’ll be free to be yourself. Good luck in your decision though!

I work with an incredibly boring woman whose stock phrase is "welcome to the madhouse". I inwardly both cringe and rage when she says it.

OP, go for the higher paid job that you know you'll be happy in.

Pick the 100% community based one if you know you will be happier. Tell the other job that they were unfortunately too slow sending over the official contract and so you’ve gone in another direction that came through while they delayed. It’s their own fault for being slow.