To pretend I am at work

[50sWife]

For Context: I am separated. Horrible separation, had lots of post-separation abuse from my ex husband.

I suspect some posters will say I am being unreasonable, because technically I've not been truthful to my Son either.

Our Son is 14. Old enough to be left alone for a while.
He stayed with his Dad last night (it was his night to have him) and would normally drop him to school this morning.
However...school isn't in the picture due to holidays.
So my annoyance is that my ex just expects me to cater for/worry about our Son throughout the daytime in the holidays. Expected me to go and collect him from his Dads this morning (it's a car journey away)
He has given no consideration to the fact I work and am also retraining so can be very busy. It's like his precious job takes priority.

As it happened, I assumed he would be off work today to spend time with his Son, alas no.
He has a week off soon to go abroad with his newest girlfriend, but can't take time off to spend with his son in the holidays, it seems. So yes my back is up a bit about that, because I think his priorities are wrong.

So as a bit of a Fuck You to him today, I told him I was working, said I'd assumed he would be off today (true) and as a result our 14year old is at his Dads alone.
I've checked in with my Son, he's fine.

But I think my overall annoyance is that since our split, my ex has so much free-time and money, holidays etc and I'm trying to pull a career out of my bottom (because I was out of work raising his children for years..he didn't expect me to leave when I found out about his infidelity)

My son is fine and I will get him in a few hours...

But I guess my overall rant is that despite being separated, my ex STILL sees me as the default parent that is supposed to parent like I don't work and work like I don't have kids.
The realisation that I was a 'married single parent' was an eye-opener, but even now he thinks he can be Disney Dad and me do all the responsibility of parenting 90% of the time.

So, AIBU to have pretended I had work, when actually I'm sat in the public library with a coffee.

At 12+our teens were happy to use public transport in the holidays to go between houses...20 miles apart
.

I don't see a problem with a responsible teenager staying home alone in either parents house.

Has his Disney Dad been in touch to make sure his your DS hasn't decided to have a BBQ in his living room? 🤔🙄😁

Do it every day Disney has PR.

You are entitled to a bit of respect. Hopefully as your son gets older he will see his Dad as the horrible man he is and not want to visit him so much. Learn to say no.

And why can't Disney drop his son off at yours after he's fed him this evening..?
Just playing devils advocate

When I rang my Son, he said his Dad had been in touch, yes. So that's something at least..!

As I said, my annoyance mostly is when his Dad is saying how he "couldn't possibly just take time off" but he can for childfree holidays, funny that.

Previously things like this has caused him to dock me maintenance (which I very much need to keep a roof over our heads) Honestly, he's done me a number..!

I'm in the really angry part of grief and struggling to navigate it.

…at 14 he’s old enough to be left alone all day, or even go out with his mates.

Who has “childcare discussions” for a mid-teen. It should be about which house the teen wants to be in, where his stuff and his mates are.

I don’t blame you. Your son is 14 and fine alone at his dad’s eating his food.
I think you need to agree with your son and your ex what holiday arrangements are.

Well this is the issue.

He'll shout very loudly about how he "does 50/50" but when it comes to the holidays, he just assumes I will be around to chauffer/feed/host our son and mates for 100% of daytimes.

I think you were right to do what you did. ex-DH needs to learn that school holidays doesn't change care arrangements.

You need to make sure your DS knows how shit Disney is.

How he doesn't want to pay for his food, let him stay during the day, give him lifts.

Y'know, like a real Dad.

🍹💐

I would definitely not be doing this. The DS is 14 and old enough to work this out for himself. Pointing out to him that he doesn't have a 'real' dad causes problems for him in itself.

Just maintain your boundaries OP - your DS is 14 and more than capable of a day alone/making his own plans.

Why does anyone need to be around to do any of those things? Your DS is 14, he can do all of that on his own

I'm not suggesting OP sits her son down and explains exactly how Disney has screwed her over/how shit a "dad" he is.

I'm sure by 14 he at least has an idea.

Just to reinforce the "you and your mates can stay here when I'm at work - don't make a mess, don't eat everything, don't set fire to the sofa" v Disney either doesn't want/trust him to be relatively self-sufficient and wants to send him home to his mum.

Still thing it's wrong to lie to your son. Not his fault his dad broke up your family, and it's not good for you to model deceit, for his sake, and yours (as we've all heard teenagers saying I can do that, because they did). You want your son to take after you, so take the high road.
Obviously if you work too, your ex shouldn't expect you to be like a SAHM, but take that up with him-it's not a bad thing for your son to see that working parents (whatever their sex) need to respect the other's job.

Why is anyone worrying about how a 14 year old spends one day of his holidays?

At that age (not THAT long ago) I was out of the house at 10 and back for tea and spent the rest of the time with friends.

I’d expect him at least to be able to decide what house he was at and work out how to travel between them at his whim.

How the hell do you ‘host’ your own child?

Thanks.
Yes that's the whole issue..ex is still behaving as if I'm a SAHM that can drop everything, rather than that I've got a highly stressful demanding job that I rarely get time off from.

I respect that exDH has a demanding job, but I'm also irritated that he's chosen to take time off to take himself on holiday, but hasn't done so to spend more time with his Son/planned a holiday with DS.

Feeding a 14 year old boy isn’t cheap especially if have friends over. Plus Op is trying to work and presumably the ds wants lifts and money for activities.
A fairer split is 50/50 in school hols but ds may not want that if his mates aren’t near his dads.

You say "rising his children" but they are your children too. The stork did not bring them. You chose to have them.

You make your bed ........

I fail to see how I "made my bed" ?

If by leaving someone I loved very much, because I refused to be an enabler in their susbtance abuse and sexual deviance, is "making my bed"...then so be it.
I left to protect myself and our child - my exH was not behaving like a responsible, safe, adult. And it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

You don't have to justify yourself to someone who bumped an old thread with the intention of being unpleasant.

I get that there's unpleasant history, but that's making you see everything through a "this man is a piece of shit trying to make my life awful" lens.

Nothing you've written specifically makes me think that he has "assume[ed you] will be around to chauffer/feed/host our son and mates for 100% of daytimes." You're ex made a decision that your 14 year old is grown up enough to spend the day alone while he works. That's a choice most working parents make in the teenage years during the holidays. Your ex was a responsibile enough parent to check in with your son. His choice doesn't have an impact on your day. Spend it however you planned to, it's not your day with your son.

Your ex not prioritising spending time with his son, or putting him second to his new relationship is a separate issue. You would be best staying silent on that so that you don't provoke your son to be upset with/defensive of his dadif he doesn't see it himself. If your son is aware, then your job is emotional support.

I know that emotionally, it feels impossible, but tfy to separate each issue from another and from your history with the man, so that you don't continue to wind yourself up and feed the emotional impact he's caused