One and done or try again after a miscarriage? So conflicted

[Strawberrymoon98]

I'm hoping for some balanced perspectives because I genuinely can't work out what I want anymore.
I have one DS who is nearly 5 and starts school in September. For years we were firmly one and done.
I had bad postnatal anxiety and depression. DS was actually an easy baby in hindsight, but he's been very full-on ever since. He's incredibly active, high energy and possibly ADHD (nothing severe and too early to tell). I'm also not naturally a very patient person and get easily stressed and overstimulated, so I've found parenting much harder than I expected.
We decided against another child because life now feels good again. We both earn well, have a comfortable lifestyle, travel regularly, and should be able to support DS with things like university, a house deposit and possibly private school. We couldn't realistically do all of that with two children. Sleep deprivation was also a huge trigger for my anxiety, and the thought of going back to those early years scares me.
Then something changed. As our friends all had second and third children, and with DS starting school, we started questioning our decision. We live in a wealthy family-oriented area where almost everyone has at least two children, so we hardly know any one-child families. DS is very sociable, loves babies and has occasionally asked for a sibling. I know a 5½-6 year age gap wouldn't make them playmates, but I liked the idea of him having someone throughout life, especially when we're gone. Our dog also died suddenly last year and I think this has compounded a feeling that something in our family feels incomplete.
We decided to stop overthinking and just try. I got pregnant first month, but sadly miscarried at 7 weeks. We'd already bought a few baby things after getting rid of most of our old ones, so now I have a brand-new Bugaboo and sling sitting in the cupboard as a constant reminder.
Since then my DH and I have been under a lot of strain and are about to start couples counselling. Realistically I can't see us trying again anytime soon.
Part of me genuinely likes our life as it is. I love the freedom we've regained and worry I'm idealising another baby while forgetting how hard those early years were. But I also feel guilty that DS may never have a sibling and emotional about closing the door on that stage of life forever. But I’m also thinking, do we just need to get another dog.
Has anyone else been genuinely undecided like this? Did you end up having another child or sticking with one? Looking back, are you happy with your decision? I know people won’t willingly say they regret having another but perhaps life was easier with one.
I honestly can't tell whether what I'm feeling is grief after the miscarriage, fear of closing the door forever, guilt about not giving DS a sibling, or a genuine desire for another child.

I wouldn’t atm simply because you and your dh are non in a good place. Pregnancy and more parenting will just add more stress.
it sounds like you’re panicking a bit. You’ve previously been happy with your life but you’re probably thinking it’s now or never?
I have one who is now a teen and don’t regret it, though a second never happened naturally and we didn’t go down the ivf route again. We have a wonderful life. We do things we couldn’t or would struggle with more than one.

You’re right, I am panicking. I’m 36 this year and whilst I know that isn’t ‘that old’ by today’s standards, I don’t want to be any older. I struggled with exhaustion the first time round in the first two years of DS’ life. I also definitely don’t want more than a six year age gap and I hoped they would at least cross over two years in the same primary school. I know all of these aren’t reasons for or against but I’m a very practical person and a perfectionist. More than six years just seems too big a gap for me.
I feel so sad for DS that he may miss out on a sibling and all the positives it brings but at the same time I know we can enrich his life in other ways we couldn’t with a second. I’m so torn.

@Savvysix1984 We also have no problem conceiving so this is adding to my confusion. If we had another miscarriage we would call it a day but currently there is no reason to see why we couldn’t have another so I know we are lucky in that regard to even have the choice.

It doesn’t sound like now is quite the right time, if your relationship is under strain. What I would say is that a big age gap between siblings isn’t all that bad. There’s almost 6 years between my 2. They get on really well, with no sibling rivalry because they’re at such different stages of their lives. We have also sent them to private school for secondary school because the overlap of double fees is only 2 years. It means we’re paying for longer, but less at the same time which we couldn’t have managed.

try not to glamorise sibling relationships. Yes they can be positive but equally they can be negative. I have quite a few siblings so know what they can be, but i don’t think my dc is missing out. Her life is fuller than mine ever was. She has closer relationships with her parents, friends, cousins and grandparents. She also has opportunities I never had in terms of sport, travel, time and attention.
at the end of the day only you and your dh can make the decision. You’re young enough that you have time and a 6/7/8 year age difference isn’t going to matter very much. Btw I’m closest to my youngest sister who is 8 years younger, but that’s more to do with personality.

I wouldn’t. I recognise so much of what you said. My first was a high needs baby, difficult toddler and is now 6 and on the waiting list for ADHD and ASD assessments. I have a diagnosis of both and like you get stressed and overwhelmed easily. We have two DCs, we had our youngest when dd was 3 and we didn’t know about her likely ND at that time. I wouldn’t change either of them they are both brilliant but it is very hard, much harder than just one or having two NT children. If you’re already struggling and your relationship isn’t good then don’t do it.

I had DS, then a miscarriage, then DD with a 4 year gap between DS and DD. It’s worked for us, but we didn’t have a strained marriage to add to the mix. The kids are now in their early 20s. I have enjoyed being a family of 4 though my DCs don’t really get on and rarely do stuff together or played together when younger, nothing dramatic here, just very different people. I was conflicted after the miscarriage, and scared to try again, also I was 37 and it did feel now or never, but we did go for it and DD was born when I was 39. I get it with the exhaustion too, though this was more an issue when they were teens and I was mid 50s. But I do like having the 2 kids, for us, having DD did round out the family and probably stopped DS getting far too much attention.

Yes I agree that this age gap would work best for us. We would still be much more stretched financially though as despite earning well we live in a very expensive area. To have a six year age gap we’d need to conceive by November time and I’m just not sure that’s achievable for us.

I know sibling relationships aren’t the be all and end all, but they can be lovely. I have a brother myself and whilst we aren’t close, i.e. I wouldn’t think to message or call him really, it is nice knowing there is someone else there. DH is an only child himself and DS is the first born and potentially only grandchild so doesn’t have any cousins either. He has half cousins with no blood relation from a second partnership on DH side but they themselves have two children and don’t really prioritise a family relationship with us which I understand. It feels more important to me as the mum of an only.
Also I don’t know why but for me there is a much bigger difference at 7-8 years, they wouldn’t overlap at all in school. If DS was just about six when baby born that feels not as wide for some reason so I guess I’m obsessing on it.

Sorry to hear your struggles. I’m worried I would end up feeling like this too. DS was actually a very easy baby temperament wise in hindsight although it felt impossible at the time I have now seen friends with ‘hard’ babies. i don’t actually believe DS is adhd or if he is on the spectrum it’s at the bottom end of it. I don’t think that’s denial - maybe it is - I think he’s just more a typical boy with a lot of energy who prefers being outside to being in a classroom conforming but Im sure when he starts proper school system in Sept they will soon tell us if there’s something else going on (although I don’t believe adhd typically diagnosed until 7-8).
more the issue is is that I do think DH and I are quite selfish, we like the nicer things in life and we’d have to give up that for another child which makes me think do we really want to rock the boat. It could hugely impact DS too, especially if the new baby had any kind of additional needs.

I’m not sure DS gets too much attention but then maybe that’s hard to avoid as an only. We can definitely prioritise him and what he wants to do. It helped when we had a dog to be honest as it helped him understand I sometimes needed to do things for the dog. In general we are relatively hands off parents though, he plays on his own at home and knows he can’t have our attention all the time and on holidays we are always keen for him to go into kids clubs so he can be around other children and not with us all the time.