AIBU to want a free weekend instead of hosting my in-laws?

[Blueowlnight]

I’ll start by saying I have wonderful, caring in laws who adore my partner (their son) and our children. They really would do anything for them and they are lovely people.

I just don’t always love spending time with them. It doesn’t help we live far away so any time is spent “hosting” and intensely with each other the whole time. I said to my partner tonight I’d rather keep our only free weekend of the holidays unbooked and not invite them up north to see us, could they come two weeks later (a 6 week gap, not 4). He was upset that I didn’t want to spend time with them as much as I wanted a free weekend.

So, here was my argument - i thought they probably were not too bothered about seeing me either. Not in a cruel way, just I’m probably not their priority, too. I get that they want to see their child and GC and he wants to see them, so we agreed for them to come that weekend. But he was still bothered that I hadn’t wanted to spend time with them. I just think they probs wouldn’t care all that much if I wasn’t there? So maybe, the feeling is mutual?

MIL and FILs - surely you also are not always that bothered about seeing your DIL/SIL. That you might like them, but you might also want to prioritise other things over seeing them and also not be too bothered if you only saw your child and GC on occasion? Maybe actually it would also be nice to have time with just them and not your DIL/SIL?

or am I being unreasonable to think this is fairly normal? (Context, I do come from a family that doesn’t see each other much and this is normal for us, but not for his family)

Totally normal. My husband probably comes along to every 1 in 5 things I do with my parents and the kids. I usually arrange to see them and he might then arrange to go catch up with friends or some of his family. Not like we get heaps of spare time in life nowadays!

Much as I love seeing my son and the children, I do miss my DIL if for some reason she can’t visit with them.

they live a distance away so we only see them every 6-8 weeks and they normally travel down to stay overnight with us. My DIL nearly always comes too for those visits, I think she’s only missed one in the 7 years . We will be having the children come and stay a week in the holidays and my son will bring them down, then we will drive them home, my DIL will probably come to but as he won’t be staying and we will be seeing her the follow weekend, she might stay home.

my other DIL comes most times when my son visits, but they are local to us so we see them most weeks, sometimes she come on her own.

it’s difficult really to answer, I love seeing my children and grandchildren, if their partners can’t come for some reason, they are missed yes.

I actively encourage my husband to visit his family without me. It’s a win win. They get to see him and the kids. I get a little break

Different families are different and different people are different. If you are used to not seeing even your own family that much, it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to see his much either. But if they really prioritise time with family, it’s perfectly reasonable for them to want you included in that. You and your DH need to work at understanding each other’s needs and expectations better.

I think what you suggest is fine but it might be tactful to present it as you having something you particularly want to do that weekend so you won't be around all the time.

Why doesn’t your DH go to them, or meet them halfway for a day out with the kids while you have a quiet day?

We get on fine with and like our SIL/DIL but it’s my own dc who are my priority (no GC). They do come for weekends as a couple sometimes but often my dd will come down overnight on her own.

I really like my DS DP. We have a lot in common and she’s easy company.

However, I do still really enjoy it when DS visits me or we meet up without her. It’s just slightly more relaxing.

Could DH visit them with DC that weekend instead? Then he sees his DPS but you get an even more restful weekend?

You don't need to have them in your house or be there when they are. You are allowed to want free time for yourself. Some good suggestions about how else to set up ILs seeing DC. Put the focus back on DH.

Think of this longer term, him taking DC for the weekend is a useful break for you to avoid burnout.

I am pretty sure he has taken more weekends away from DC than you have?

Take one now and enjoy it.

Ooh that's interesting, I hadn't thought about how much it differs before.

In my case, my mum loves DH and my children, but actively wants to spend time with just me sometimes. If the children are with us, I think she'd choose for DH to be there too.

My dad and stepmum are genuinely disappointed if they visit and DH isn't around. I think they enjoy his company more than mine to be honest!

My MIL would rather just see the kids, but would prefer just DH to be there if one of us had to be (she desperately wants to be the 'mum' when we see her and hates that the kids naturally run to me if they want something or are hurt... she also hates asking either of us if they can have sweets etc.).

FIL is genuinely disappointed if I'm not there and asks to speak to me whenever he calls DH.

@Blueowlnight , you will probably get a lot of people tell you that your thinking is perfectly normal and that’s possibly true but it’s not normal in your husband’s family. It’s not normal in my family either, my daughter in laws are and having a relationship with them is very important to me.
It doesn’t sound like they’ve done anything specifically to annoy you and your husband and children value spending time with them, it doesn’t even sound as if this happens all that frequently.
Could you not try and arrange to go out for one of the days, ask them to bring a pic-nic for themselves so that you don’t so much feel you are catering to them; perhaps go out to eat?
This isn’t all about what you want and I honestly think that you’re being a bit selfish. Sorry.

I think YANBU to want a free weekend and to feel tired at the thought of hosting your PILs. But YABU (based on my family) to think they only want to see him and the kids and aren't bothered about seeing you.

I think it's absolutely fine for you to duck out for a weekend and let him take the kids over to PILs without you while you have a quiet relaxing weekend. But I think you'd be doing this for yourself (which is fine - a lot of women need to be more selfish about things like this), not for them or him.

What does ‘hosting’ your in laws look like? Are you cleaning in preparation? Prepare the beds? Plan the food and do the cooking? If yes, tell him fine for them to come but he does all the work surrounding their visit. Then you may not feel so resentful. Why can he not go to visit them with kids in tow for once if you feel the need for a free weekend? Everyone wins!

I guess it goes both ways though, you could also have a free weekend 2 weeks later. Seems like a bit of a mountain out of a molehill really.

My dad remarried and since then I’ve spent zero time with him without her there and whilst I have no real issue with his wife she has changed the dynamic of our relationship. The subjects we talk about and I suppose we both act differently with her there. I don’t get why he cancels if she can’t make it and it’s annoying as I’m not going to see her but him. So yes I think I agree with you about the importance of you being there. However, not seeing family for 4 weeks is a big gap for some people. I see my in-law every other week and that’s cast in stone as my mil gets upset. I have friends who want to see their parents every week. So moving their visit from 4 weeks to 6 isn’t fair on the hubby or them

If he really insists and you want to comprpmose just go away yourself. Book a hotel. Let him deal with it

My MIL is the same. Used to take over when she came round. Then tries to discipline the kids or preach to them, if they got hurt and they ran over to me she’d try and intercept them etc.

I think my in-laws prefer when I’m not there.

They treat both their adult children as well children but when partners as there they stay in their adult roles.

When me and the siblings partner are not around they default back to children letting mummy run around doing everything and she is right in her element still being head of the house in that sense. She actually cried when dh purchased his new car without telling her first he is 38 😳 because she couldn’t check it over and how much did it cost and where did he buy it from and how many miles per gallon. She is not a mechanic or even a car person just nosey.

My mum doesn’t care either way.

I think you were fine to ask for your one free weekend to stay free and be for some down time.

Send him and the dcs to theirs or go away for the weekend when they come. It’s all very well him ‘getting upset’ about it but I bet it’s you that does everything whilst he just sits with them…screw that!

DH's GDM was open about the fact that she wasn't bothered about seeing me. My MIL is lovely but I'm sure she likes it when her sons sometimes visit her without their families. We live nearby, so I do see her without DH and it's easy for him to see her just with DS. BIL living further away means that her seeing him is more of a big thing.

I don't see a problem with families not doing all of the visits together.