AIBU to wonder whether my dad was actually a good parent?

[eiffeltour]

My parents split up when I was very young and I lived with my mum but saw my dad at weekends. I'm not really sure how to feel about my dad. I never knew any different so I don't really know if he treated me badly or not. Someone recently told me that he wasn't a good dad, but is that really the case?

He rarely paid child maintenance to my mum and would make all sorts of excuses for why he couldn't. As I got older (secondary school), he would tell me his reasons. Often it was someone else's fault. He made negative comments to me as a child about my mum's brother and about her parents; my uncle and grandparents. He drove off once in a fit of anger before my brother and I had the chance to get our seatbelts on in the backseat and then never addressed or mentioned the incident to us. I remember I spilt a glass of juice on his living room carpet once as a child and he said "don't worry, it's not your mum's house so there won't be any negative consequences" - I was confused by what he was implying as my mum wouldn't have got angry about something like that. He would repeatedly bring us home late from contact. He would refer to contact as "his time" as though he was entitled to it, even when I was 14 or 15, and would get angry if he felt he wasn't getting it or I wanted to spend my Saturday with friends or doing homework at my mum's house instead. He promised me money for when I went to university but it never materialised.
He also told me he loved me and would give me hugs. I found that confusing. He sometimes took me to do fun activities that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to do with my mum.

I don't really know what to think. What do you think?

I think he was a shit parent.
He didnt think of your emotional health, didnt support you adequately financially.

Like most other NRPs hes probably thinking he did his best, and maybe he didn't know any better but no, he wasn't a good father.

I think a good dad puts their child first. And can be relied on to keep their word.

Providing financially for your child is one of the basics in terms of putting your child first as far as I'm concerned. So is having a health co-parenting relationship with their mother and not making negative comments about her to the child.

So I think your dad did have some flaws. And all the fun activities in the world do not make up for that. I would not consider him a good dad.

But that doesn't mean he did not love you. It just means he did not know how to parent. Do not conflate the two things. I hope you're ok.

No he wasn't a good dad. Probably he loved you as much as he was capable of, but he was putting his own wants and needs first, wasn't he? Not emotionally mature enough to parent you adequately, there was something lacking in him.

Do you still have a relationship with him?

I think he loved you but was resentful and bitter towards your mum and her family.

Don’t dwell on it, and allow yourself to love him if you feel that you did love him. Your friend shouldn’t have commented on it, they haven’t heard his side of the story or lived his life.

He sounds very emotionally immature. Emotionally immature people rarely make good parents. Didn't mean he didn’t love you, but he definitely lacked the skills to parent properly. And was probably difficult to parent with, kudos to your mum.

I don’t know how old you are, but this type of parenting was sadly common with 80’s dads. It does not make it any better, but most of us have shrugged it off and are ok. I don’t think swelling in it would be useful

No, I haven't seen him for a while.

If he wasn't a good dad, how do I reconcile that in my head?

He does sound pretty awful, not very reliable and resentful. If it is your choice not to see him now then thats your answer really. If we all tell you how bad he is will that make you feel better, will you make contact with him just to tell him how awful he was? What will that achieve? Suggest you try to stop thinking about it. It will only fester and eat away at you.

By recognising that all humans have flaws and that being a good dad or not is an issue that is his and his alone. You had no way of influencing that.

A lot of people do not have the relationship with their parents that they wish they had. Me included. But I can't control my parents so I have to let that go.

You might find therapy useful. Do you work somewhere that offers an EAP?

Many relationships are complicated and it’s healthy to acknowledge the different feelings that you have about your dad even if they are conflicting.
My dad was absent a lot, fun and interested in me sometimes, and also occasionally an absolutely horrible, unpredictably violent man, at different times.
It has taken many years including a couple in therapy to be able to say with honesty that he was at times a great dad, at others, an awful dad, and that a part of me loves him very much and other parts of me think he is an absolute bastard.
It has been really helpful to acknowledge all of my conflicting feelings as he is seriously ill now. I don’t see him that often, I don’t judge myself for it, and when I am with him, I am able to present myself as loving, without feeling hypocritical about it, because I want this sick, elderly man to have a nice time with the me but I don’t deny (as I did for many years) what he was like.
You’re a step ahead of me, acknowledging your confusion. I was in denial about most of my feelings abut it all for years!
He doesn’t sound like a great dad, but it also sounds like you didn’t realise this for some time, and enjoyed being with him sometimes too. All of your feelings like these can be true at the same time.