Am I weaponising my incompetence... or am I just incompetent?

[DiscoElysia]

I was recently catching up with some friends who brought up the 'weaponised incompetence' of their male partners and husbands. I've come across the term before but on this particular occasion a chilling thought descended: that I might be an incompetence-weaponiser too, and that it's only being a woman and having a husband who is pretty chilled out that has allowed me to escape the label.

I've always thought of myself as someone who is a bit rubbish at a range of practical and common-sense type stuff. Other people have tended to think of me this way too. For example, in the last week alone I have stubbed my toe and bruised my legs in several places just in the course of moving furniture and boxes about; burnt something I was cooking due to intention; started making several cups of tea for myself and others and forgotten the task part way through; deep cleaned most of my bathroom but somehow forgot to even touch the sink; spilt about 3 drinks; broken two glasses whilst washing up; gone to a supermarket where they didn't have what I'd been asked to get despite having been specifically told to go to a different supermarket where they had it (I just forgot / spaced on what I'd been told)... Oh and almost broke a blind at work because I was too rough with it and got it tangled (luckily everyone else had gone home and I was able to sort it out without exposing my incompetence to the world). It's been a fairly standard week in my world.

In my defense, I have always been this way across a wide range of contexts. I was like this as a kid (always spilling things, breaking things, failing to follow instructions, falling over, inadvertently covering things in pen ink that I somehow always had on my hands... think Mr Bean the Movie and the Whistler's Mother painting). Even very simple stuff seemed to get away from me - I remember with horror my first day of secondary school when I asked to go to the toilet in a lesson and couldn't work out how to use the door knob. Cue mockery from the teacher and 29 fellow students. It took ages to live it down. I was like this when I lived with flatmates and when I lived alone. There has always been a catalogue of mild disasters. I was 26 when a flatmate revealed to me that my tights were always laddered because I'd been putting them on wrong all my life...

I also don't think that, as an adult at least, I shirk most of the basic duties of life. I cook and clean and tidy and work hard to keep my toddler DD happy and, thus far at least (touch wood), physically safe from my winds of destruction. As a kid I was often lazy and avoided things I found difficult - so much so that my poor lovely mum often despaired of me when yet another chore was messed up and yet another thing not done properly. As an adult I get that practising can make things better and that some stuff just has to get done. I at least try to learn new skills, am pretty open to feedback when other people can show me a better way to do something, and try to adopt compensatory strategies for the clumsiness and thoughtlessness.

I also think it helps that I'm lucky enough to have people around me who get me, are patient and don't mind explaining the bleeding obvious to me from time to time in a way that doesn't feel too awful. I grew up with parents who got visibly and instantly angry if they noticed that something hadn't been done to their standards, so perhaps it's understandable that I used to shut down and go 'fine, I can't do that. I'll never be able to do it. I'm not trying again.'

But there is a case for the weaponised incompetence prosecution too. I do still avoid some types of task - my DH still ends up having to take responsibility for flat pack furniture and anything involving power tools, and although we split the cooking day to day? he's always the one who takes over the meal if we have guests round. I am implicitly not trusted with finer cuisine. And whilst I do most of the cleaning and laundry-putting-away ans paperwork-and-drawer organising and various other things, I tend to do it painstakingly slowly in an attempt to minimise mistakes... which sometimes leads him to step in because he can see a better way. Whilst I don't think I'm being rubbish as part of a deliberate strategy to make him do stuff for me, that nonetheless seems to be the end result some of the time. If my DH were someone with higher domestic and life organisation standards (and let's face it, we would never have married if he were), he would probably be taking over loads more things out of frustration with me. Maybe that would put me in the exact same role as my friends' supposedly lazy shirking husbands.

Where does incompetence end and weaponised incompetence begin? Which fits me best? And is there a chance that some of the blokes (and it is almost always blokes) who get accused of weaponising their incompetence are a bit rubbed like me?

(To pre-empt possible queries: yes I've been diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia. I'm mindful, however, of the danger of this becoming an excuse. What is innate and what is within our power to improve with the right levels of motivation and support is an interesting question.)

YABU - you sound suspiciously like you're weaponising your incompetence and protesting too much.

YANBU - you sound like you're mostly just incompetent (feel free to insert a more compassionate alternative framing of the issue here).

Oh, one more thing: a culture of gratitude in your relationship. So if your DH does something you've left to him, thank him. But it goes two ways, so he also thanks you for the things you do too - and thus the things you're good at get recognised. It desn't have to be a practical thing - it could be as simple as thanks for really listening to me.

And I heartily recommend setting your phone to grayscale (not making assumptions about you here - it's something that helped me)

Hmmmm but this is almost always the excuse of the lower contributing partner in a relationship. Clean is clean when it comes to dishes. E.g. no food or debris on them. Or the loo with no stains left after cleaning.

That’s ai lot of words to say you don’t believe women experience men who are weaponising their incompetence.

Welcome to Mumsnet btw - interesting first post.

there Is such a lot of nuance here.

in my opinion there is a form of weaponised incompetence in denial, through disrespect for the work.

so the person making a right hash of laundry and making the clothes unpleasant isnt consciously doing it. They just disrespect women’s work and don’t expect it to take a bit of thought and attention. So the cashmere gets shrunk, the delicate blouses get crumpled to oblivion, the whites go grey and the whole lot goes musty.

when this happens, if he wants to be victimy he can pretend he did his best. Perhaps in the moment he thought he did. But in fact he never listened, never thought, never tuned in to the fact that it takes more trouble and time and a bit of strategy to get the wash done so that the clothes are nice to wear and accessible within a reasonable time frame. Or in other words - there are stages to the process that involve doing things you might not be dying to do and involve remembering things and eating into leisure time.

and / or the victim type can pretend it makes no difference. She just has high, rigid standards. This is rubbish - men like this often perfectly well appreciate the difference, and love living with women because it comes with a higher standard of living, because of things like properly done laundry. They just don’t want to do it themselves.

having said all that - not all incompetence is weaponised. But more is than is even recognized by the people doing it

YES. OMG, I have found my people!

I'm seriously glad I found this thread. Genuinely assumed I was alone in this.

I too am fab at reading, also languages, general comprehension of e.g. literature, , and am randomly really good at certain bits of physics, of all things - not the practical stuff, mind you! But anything involving doors, handles, keys - forget it. Anything which requires making something physical work - nope.

My partner is very blokey and hands on and practical, he can take a car apart and put it back together, he could genuinely probably build a door and locks, whereas I can't even unlock one. I've had to explain to him what I'm like, and he definitely sees it. But I know he doesn't understand it. He just thinks I'm being a bit mad and kooky - I wish it were just that!

No , you’re not doing it deliberately to get out of doing the task .
One of my adult children is autistic with mild learning disabilities and honestly 😭 I can show her to do things multiple times and break tasks down into manageable chunks for her but she can’t manage .
I am older so am absolutely exhausted with it .
DH can’t or won’t do household tasks either , in his case I sometimes think he just doesn’t want to so he does it badly / half arsed .
However , I let him get on with certain occasional tasks such as small DIY that I probably am capable of because I feel he needs to do more

One of my dds really struggles with certain things and has adhd (now diagnosed). She never lets herself off the hook and is always trying her best. She will never have the same skills as the other did who just naturally “gets” the physical world, but she has other brilliant qualities. I really respect her for loads of things but especially her determination. It’s harder to look after her in some ways than the other dc but I never resent her as she absolutely does her best.

im just putting that here as I am one of the competent ones and I want those who struggle to know that we can see it and we do get it

One of my husband’s favourite quotes is ‘in every relationship there’s one person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect, and another who does it like a raccoon on meth’.

You can guess which one he thinks I am 😂

I feel exactly the same, I’m married to a woman and I’m more feminine than my wife. People then attribute stereotypes to us and assume I’m the domesticated one. I’m not, I’m incompetent.

I do my share, I’m not sure if it’s always my fair share though. But if I do the cooking there’s a 50/50 chance it’s going to be cold on the inside or burnt. I now do the laundry to my wife’s standard but at the beginning of the relationship I was very haphazard and she does the majority now because she likes it done a certain way.

I’m not weaponising my incompetence, I hate it. Don’t get me wrong I tidy up everyday, I do all the washing up, a lot of the cooking despite being terrible, (my DWs job has changed and she’s working longer hours, so I make sure she eats) I clean the kitchen and bathroom the most.

DW does the laundry, hoovering and changing the bed, she also cooks, especially if we’re having a more advanced recipe, some cleaning. I’m probably doing more now due to her job. Then again she might say something different, because I am often blind to the split, but I feel like I’m doing the majority now

Weaponised incompetence is all about deliberately being crap so you won't be asked to do it again. Incompetence is just being crap by accident. Huge difference!

I'm sure WI is a thing, but I also think people have latched onto it as a fashionable explanation. Sometimes one person isn't that good ATM something. Sometimes they just think you should do something in a way you disagree with. Sometimes they just don't care as much about something. We've all been to someone's house where they have done (or not done) a thing that you wouldn't choose that way in your house.

The trick with being a couple is negotiating like adults over the stuff that matters to you and the stuff you really don't want to do. And not just assuming that the other person will do something for you because you don't want to. Maybe you both hate washing up, but it still needs doing.

I recognise what you say OP. I also have ADHD and struggle with things like this.

I think to understand the weaponised incompetence thing, do you remember the character of Kevin the Teenager? (If you don't, it's an old comedy sketch and will be on youtube). Whenever he was asked to do something he'd make such a huff and puff and fuss and do the barest minimum, flop around, go slowly and groan as though he had no energy, and generally be so annoying while doing it in the hope that his mum/dad would say "Alright alright, go on then, you've done enough, you can go out" at which point he'd suddenly regain all energy and run off to get ready at top speed and his parents would just look at each other like "We've been had".

Obviously it's funny because it's an exaggeration, but children/teenagers will do this to try and get out of responsibilities and some immature adults will do a less dramatic version of it as well. Also do recognise the stereotypical "helpless woman" act - I have known people who do this basically because they don't want to do an unpleasant/physically tiring job and playing the act makes their partner feel masculine, or something. Never got it because if I don't want to do something I just ask DH and he will usually do it without me needing to pretend I can't do it myself!

When you feel huge guilt and failure over not being able to manage the "basics" of life I think it's hard to imagine being a person who is so unbothered that they don't feel a smidgeon of guilt around it at all, but I think that's why it's helpful to conjure up the idea of a recalcitrant teenager as an example of it.

I do think sometimes online it can also be misapplied. It's probably more often incompetence than malice.

I recognise a lot of this. I never close kitchen cabinets, I am strangely untidy (I tidy some things but seem to have odd blind-spots), I regularly end up with minor injuries doing normal household stuff, I forget things, I break crockery ALL the time.

I am not weaponising anything. I hate all these things about myself, it is my lovely crockery that I end up breaking... I manage to work full-time in a very senior and highly technical position managing people and a department worth millions in revenue annually but regularly realise I have my t-shirt on inside out. Since the arrival and subsequent diagnosis of the family children I have come to realise that I am likely a range of neurodivergenty things but I'm 48 and I cope with myself (whilst occasionally wanting to punch myself in the face for my stupidity) and I don' have time to chase my own diagnosis alongside sorting out my kid's array of issues.

You aren't weaponising, you are just incompetant and it sounds like you have a lovely partner who is happy to patch up the bits where you are weak as you bring lots of other great stuff to the party instead.

Sounds just like dyspraxia to me. You say you have been diagnosed with it.
Some employers wont take on people with dyspraxia in certain professions for this reason.

It's just yet another newfangled term to beat people up with and shame them or make them feel bad about themselves. Like cultural misappropriation. All finger wagging stuff.

Don't feel bad about yourself @DiscoElysia you're just trying your best!

I am like you - dyspraxic with ADHD. DH is autistic, with severe deficits in executive function. DC is all of the above.

Daily life is effortful and chaotic, and we can’t have nice things because everything gets lost or broken or mucky, and DH in particular is constantly losing his bank card or phone and genuinely never knows what day or month it is.

The idea of weaponised incompetence contains a lot of assumptions about what standard competence entails. Intelligence as typically measured has very little to do with adaptive function. DH, who has a PhD in physics, has a far greater theoretical understanding of space and time than most people, but no practical understanding of either.

When people say ‘but if you can be competent at work, why not at home?’ - the things DH and I get paid to do use our strengths, and we have admin support / automation for the things we’re useless at.

(Though the proliferation of automation is an issue in itself, as there are now so many systems you need to remember to use and update, and so many forms and waivers to fill, and so many software updates, and 2-factor verification which requires you to have your phone charged and with you at all times..)

I was a genuinely terrible waitress - dropping people’s plates and muddling up their change and needing to write down everyone’s order painstakingly slowly.

Things like riding a bicycle, or driving a stick shift, never got easier for me. I couldn’t tie my shoes until I was a teenager. I have never been able to learn to knit. I just don’t ‘get the hang of’ things that involve using my body or making things with my hands or visualizing spaces or putting things in sequence.

If I’m honest, I would not have had a child if I’d understood that DH and I were going to pass these things on genetically, and our kid would also struggle to learn basic things and manage his own life.

But we’d been told all our lives that because we were highly intelligent, there was literally no reason except our own shitty attitude that we couldn’t be tidy, punctual, organised, and efficient. We were no different from anyone else except that we were crap, workshy, lazy, entitled and careless.

We knew we were well intentioned, so we figured we would just keep trying to be better, and our kid would turn out better than we had.

It doesn’t work that way.

I’m sure there are people who weaponise their incompetence - but you can feel it when someone’s being a controlling arse for psychological / relational reasons, and it’s different from when someone’s mortified or frustrated or ashamed (and/or trying to conceal those feelings with charm or defensiveness, which is often irritating but not malicious).

Ha perhaps we need a distinction between active weaponised confidence where you deliberately mess up and passive weaponised incompetence where you don't pursue opportunities to learn and improve...

I guess there has to be some limit though in that presumably it's not a good use of our time to try to learn everything and attain an equal standard to our partners in performing every task if some sort of division of labour is available...

No. Weaponised incompetence means you avoid harder jobs and your own fair share of the work.

Dividing up jobs according to who does them best or most effectively is just efficient.

Ha I read your post thinking, well this sounds a lot like you are either ADHD or dyspraxic or both 🤣

I think you're someone who knows your limits and who has a great partner who is willing and able to take up the slack when needed!

Absolutely. If this thread had been started by a man, everyone would be telling him to up his game, raise his bar, upskill himself learn to do the thing properly

They wouldnt just accept he was a benign klutz, it would be red flags all over.

WI is just a phrase people use because they think it makes them look smart

As a child, My mom accused me of being passive aggressive when I didn't do a (tedious dull) chore as well as she liked. Sounds like same thing as "weaponised incompetence" : it's unpleasant name-calling (at best).

Honestly if you dislike me that much, I'll be super glad when we're out of each other's lives. I assume that's the point, you want to destroy the relationship by using words like that, right?

Dyspraxia

You don't get diagnosed if there are not significant deficits. (I was only a paragraph or two in before I thought ADHD)

I think that rather than worrying about this too much you should focus on developing it into a standup comedy routine.

it has great potential

the angle of being the person paranoid about their own motive is fresh,

the words weaponised and incompetence ring very well.

good luck