AIBU to feel sad this is how things are? Feel I should be grateful rather than sad

[Wishingthingsweredifferent38]

I’m away for 2 nights, in the UK. My son, 8, had ADHD and autism. We only arrived today at 4pm and we’ve already had 3 meltdowns. I’m tired, over stimulated and feeling so sad. Friends are going away for 1 or 2 weeks abroad, all looks wonderful and we are struggling with just a couple of nights.

We’ve been away for longer before, multiple times and it’s always been a disaster. I used to be such an avid traveller, that has all come to a halt.

I feel like I should just enjoy it, or a pressure that I have to enjoy it, but I am constantly on eggshells. I’m so sad that this is how things are.

I love my son more than anything in the world but being a solo parent to a neurodiverse child while trying to keep my career (although huge sacrifices have been made), paying for private mental health care, and try and look after myself and still be a good friend, mum and daughter is exhausting. I am done in.

You're allowed to feel sad. Are there any nice moments in between the meltdowns? If there are any then don't forget them, try to hang on to those as well.

I'm sorry longer trips don't work for you. Every holiday with DC on the the first day I have thought "why did I bother, DC hates it, we're all miserable, let's go home" but after a couple of days DC usually settled and we had some nice times. Ice cream helped!

You're a very good Mum, trying to do all that and give DS those experiences. It's hard work and not necessarily much enjoyment in it for you.

Can you do repeat holidays so somewhere DC will tolerate. Holidays are full of unknown quantities. Repeat visits to a place that has been 'accepted' by your DC might work better. Book in a holiday for you on your own. Hope the rest of your holiday improves and you both get to enjoy it.

Solidarity.
I can't face a holiday this year for fear of the same.

Going to have days out instead.

Hopefully as others have said he will ease into it and will relax and fingers crossed you will both be able to enjoy some of your break.

Sending hugs to you both.
X

This. Good advice for next time.
OP, the first night away is always fraught but tomorrow should be better!

We had some good holidays with my son who has learning disability and autism, and some really disastrous ones. I think he was always uncomfortable with the change in routine but some he tolerated more than others. We stopped flying with him aged around 15 after a really awful flight. It's incredibly hard and doing it on your own makes you a bloody warrior in my eyes. I used to feel envious of 'normal' families too and sorry for my other children who had to deal with the fallout too. I hope your week improves and you have some good moments with your son 💐

Ok to be blunt you are going away for you. Harsh as it is, your son doesn't like it. So why not talk to him and say...next time we will holiday at home. We will go into our garden, have takeaways, ice cream for lunch . For 2 weeks . We won't answer the door or phone until 6 pm. We won't go out. We'll just chill 2 of us.

Then perhaps suggest an hour out.
Somewhere he likes . Then a couple of hours. Still just you 2...then build on it a weekends, not even every weekend stretching how long and how new

You can definitely be sad for the life you didn’t get.

For now holidays should be built around things he likes and can manage. If that’s UK, not flying all good. My son has same diagnosis and I’ve found places which are isolated and forested (think cabins with hot tubs type places) work well. No crowds or stimulation. Just birdsong and peace and we spend all day climbing trees and making dens. Not my idea of a wild time but also no meltdowns

We didn’t go away for at least 10 years due to DS’s ASD/LD. going away just didn’t work so we made the most of what we could do at/from home. It bothered other people more than it bothered us. I was constantly being told that we should take a carer with us, go with family, try Center Parcs etc. as if we hadn’t thought of all that for ourselves 🤷‍♀️ . Maybe try to do as suggested above and keep it simple. I really feel for you though, especially doing it on your own 💐

We are the same
We just go on on cheep holidays,so it's not the end of the world if we come home early
We tend to go to the same place each time ,so we know what to expect,we do Monday to Friday,but get there late Monday and come home Thursday afternoon, giving us two full days ..which is enough.
You just have to roll with the hand you are delt and make the most of it

I totally sympathise. Between them my children (both 8 and under) are ND and have multiple severe food allergies. I travelled all over the world before I had children. Our necessary lack of “proper” trips and holidays is my biggest sense of grief.

I understand how you feel.

Things that helped us:
Assume the first night will be a writeoff always
Return visits to same place (I can recommend a family owned inclusive holiday park in North Norfolk if that's of interest)
Keep one thing the same: we had a goodish trip with Tui so we've done a couple, and sleeper trains were a surprise hit, so repeated those too
Lower your expectations: if we get a decent day, we get a decent day
Reflect on what went okish. I made a photo collage recently of trips since the lockdown to bolster my resolve before booking a holiday for my volatile AUDHD teen and not much easier almost certainly neurodiverse DH.

There are a few holiday providers who specialise in single parents who might be worth checking out. High Adventure is one.

I'm a single mum with two ND kids. I found that age was particularly bad for travel. But what worked best was having about 5 night in one location. Keeping the first couple of days really low key and letting them settle in. Too many transitions over a short period is problematic (and of course going home is familiar but still a change).

Yes! 4 or 5 nights. A very brief trip is a lot of pressure as is a week or more. We did a "big" trip once and DC only ate tomatoes and ice cream and was hangry the whole time 😱