To regret my second child

[heygabi]

I had DD when I was 40. I didn’t have a great pregnancy or birth experience, largely down to Covid, and so whether a sense of missing out from that and also a ‘normal’ maternity leave drove my feelings or whether I just wanted another baby, I was quite broody for another. Despite my age got pregnant again in six months of trying and ds was born two months before DDs third birthday.

I found the toddler years with DD quite difficult and enjoyed having a baby again, but since ds has been about 18 months I just haven’t enjoyed it at all. I feel stressed and pulled in different directions all the time. I hate the noise; today I picked DD up from school and we’d barely got to the end of the road and both kids were screaming at me over different things. I couldn’t respond to one because the other was screaming at me.

They do argue sometimes but mostly it’s just the noise and the mess and the relentless, endless demands. As soon as I’ve got one bathed and read to I need to start with the other

Posted too soon sorry.

So my entire evening seems to be getting one into bed then the other. Any time I have with them both is stressful and overwhelming.

I really wish I hadn’t had another. I hate myself for thinking that but I’m wrung out.

You're in the toughest bit and its fine. It does get easier. Keep routines, keep talking both of them through what is going to happen and be constantly encouraging. Its like putting on an exhausting show but eventually it sets in. Don't take nonsense in the routine but if it isn't working reflect on what might be improved.

But it does get better and you won't always feel like this.

Ahhhhh. I know how you feel.

I had two (dd, ds) 19 months apart, second child born when I was 41

it all went to shite at that age for me too. It was SO SO hard. I felt so joyless. I felt like a corrections officer. Endlessly sorting out injustices, saying no, breaking up arguments, putting one child to bed then the other then the first then the other again, seeing them happy then seeing it tip upwards into HE HIT ME SHE / PULLED MY HAIR I was fit to be tied, but I was too tired.

it gets massively, incrementally easier, each year. It will pass. I PROMISE.

From what I understand second children are double the work in the sense both need baths, both need a bedtime routine, both need to be fed, both need fresh clothes etc etc.

Also at 18 months, that's when a child is usually walking and start having opinions on things/tantrums can start. So it is possible demands are being made that won't be the same as when they were a floppy baby who eats, sleeps and poos and so the juggle begins.

I always say two is one too many. But I honestly love both of them and they drive me insane on the daily but also make me laugh on the daily. Kids are hard when they are small. Holing another couple years and it will get easier 😴 (I hope).

No better advice just solidarity in that it is hard and tiring and testing at the best of times. ❤️

woman you are on the trenches!

When they are both screaming or either screaming try whispering to respond they should then gradually get quieter because they can’t hear your response or if your breaking up an argument between them neither can hear which one is in the right which is what they want to hear so they should get quieter and quieter.

when they are calm and happy, chat with them and tell them that you won’t be able to help them if they are screaming over each other and also that screaming means you can understand what they are saying. Tell them that people don’t scream to be heard otherwise people would walk around screaming all the time.

you can try statements like ‘ when you are screaming mummy’s ears hurt, does it hurt your ears too?’ Gets them to think about their action without too much guilt

as for the mess- you need doom boxes if it’s all overwhelming just have a look on google/instagram about them

you could try playing a random song or a cleaning up song and get them to tidy up until it stops alongside you.

Each child needs to pick up 10 items and put them away and it’s them vs you NOT vs each other. They get a star each on the chart (I use a calendar) for doing it and If they win they get 2 stars (you can have a star chart for yourself too if you wanted? Then at the end of month they count up their stars and if they have say they 20 stars they get X prize then 30 stars is X prize etc

Thanks. They don’t listen to me; they are just listening to one another but desperate for my attention as well. It’s quite enjoyable with just one. Keep thinking life could have been so much better tbh.

I promise it gets better. One day they’ll work out how to play properly with each other. There’s a book, Siblings Without Rivalry. It has lines to say in different situations (arguments) and it’s pretty handy, though v American. Can they not have their baths and bedtimes together? I understand that they might have different sleep times but whoever gets to stay up longer can listen to a Yoto story in bed or something? That way it would be less repetitive for you. With mine at first it was a nightmare amalgamating their bedtimes but after an initial rocky bit it started working well for us all and they seemed to get on better also.

The talking at the same time thing drives me bonkers. Haven’t fixed that yet.

You’re right that this stage would have been far easier with just one, but once they learn how to play together then it’s easier to have two.

It’s utterly chaos if they have baths and bedtimes together. Then no one can sleep as they are so silly.

Wish I could agree @thehonscupboard but I am not convinced by this argument any more. And you can always go out with friends or something if you want some peace anyway.

It's really hard to have two little ones! It's relentless and exhausting and no time to yourself. It does get better as they get older and you will get your evenings back to recharge. It used to drive me mad when mine would squabble and fight but I'd tell myself they're learning conflict resolution! The worst time of day is after school, they're tired, hangry and both want your attention 😩 I used to take snacks for pick up and go to the park for a bit to let them run around and let off steam - somehow it seemed easier than taking them straight home and keeping them busy till bedtime!

You’re in the trenches for sure. But for what it’s worth, my main advice would be not to be afraid to be firm, a child in school is old enough to not be demanding things from you in the way you describe, screaming at you, they are old enough to be told no, to wait, and to accept it. I’d be careful you’re not being too soft, or they will run rings around you.

Is your DCs' father home at bedtime? Could he do more to help out?

It’s so hard at those ages!! I’ve been there done that. I had a 5 year age gap between DC1 & DC2 (despite DH not wanting to wait!) then had a 1 year gap between DC2 and DC3! It was all just bloody mental.

The best thing you can do is expect the worst and hope for the best! That way you won’t be disappointed when you have a shitty day but if you have a good one (few and far between!) you will feel on top of the world. Can’t remember who told me that but it got me through most of the early days.

Also, you mentioned your age in your post, but please don’t feel it’s that. I had mine in my 20s and felt exactly the same. It’s just bloody hard work looking after young kids. It sounds naff but just try and think of the good bits like when they just make you laugh when you’re not expecting it. Or if that doesn’t work then count down the minutes to handing them over to DH so you can run off and scream into a pillow! 😂

@heygabi they are here now so you need to stop thinking it would be better with just the one or you’ll never enjoy it. Accept you have to navigate your way through this difficult stage as best you can.

There’s always mess when young kids are about and there’s usually always noise. As long as it’s happy noise then let them get on with it. If they both want your attention at the same time, tell them it has to be one at a time as otherwise you can’t hear what they are saying. Get your OH involved in the bedtime routine, one kid each!