To want a third child?

[NestaArcheron]

I am 35 years old. We have a 3 bed, my room can be split so a baby could have its own area within my room. I have an 11 year old and a 9 year old, and I really feel like it’s now or never.
we have both always wanted a third, but my mental health was terrible for a few years and it wouldn’t have been the right time. I am now doing really well.
we are comfortable money wise. I would be able to stay at home with a baby. I have family that live next door for support. Is the gap too big? Am I at risk at 35? Please be gentle as I am in real turmoil over this. Thank you.

You say 'my room'. Do you have a partner living with you? What are your plans for when the baby is older?

Have you thought of the impact on your existing children? It all sounds quite selfish.

35 is fine, and you are financially comfortable. I don’t think the age gap is too big, but I’d really do it now rather than wait any longer. I’d want to have the noisy baby/disruptive toddler years over before the eldest reaches GCSE years at school.
My caution would also be the space, as a pp says. It’s fine to have the baby in with you for a while, even a few years, but long term do you have a plan? Would that involve moving house - can you afford that and would it mean moving the kids school?

Can I ask why? Both have begged for a baby sibling for a few years. What negative impacts do you think it could have? Was it selfish to have a second after my first? Are all families with more than 1 children selfish?

It’s such a tricky decision. I’m sure you have but I think you need to think through the impact on your children at different stages. Like when baby is 3/4 and into everything, oldest will be hitting exams, youngest going through the early secondary years. Are you happy to be left with the baby while your kids dad does the activities with them not suited to a baby over the next few years? Are you comfortable with start a whole new set of school runs? I say this not to guilt trip or the like - just to help you do the thought experiments that help make the decision in a practical way, because the longing can obscure some of that. I know! Good luck.

What's the longer term view for housing baby? They won't stay a baby forever and sounds like you'll outgrow your home in a year or so after a third arrives. Can you afford to move or extend to create extra bedroom?

Because the decision doesn’t just affect you and your partner, it affects the two children you already have.
A baby means less time and attention for them, finances being stretched further, the whole family dynamic changing, and with such a big age gap the youngest is likely to have a completely different upbringing anyway. Your eldest will probably be leaving home while the youngest is still little. You also mentioned struggling with your mental health in the past, and pregnancy and the postnatal period can be unpredictable.
When I read your post, all the reasons you gave were about what you and your partner want, rather than why having another child would be the best thing for the two children you already have. That’s why I said it sounded selfish to me.

Have the baby! There’s a large age gap between some of my siblings and it was lovely. I was everyone’s baby 😂

Plenty of people have more than one child - does that make them selfish? No matter how many children you have, more than one means that any attention/money is shared.

OP - the only thing that would concern me if I was you is your mental health - was it affected by previous pregnancies?

I know you've always wanted three. But did you always want a 12yo, 10yo and a baby? Because that doesn't sound as good.

Are the older children BB, GG or BG? Because they can't share if the last and then what?

That’s a childish argument. Nobody said having more than one child is selfish. The point is that every situation is different. Taking a family that’s settled and potentially making life harder for everyone isn’t automatically a good idea just because “lots of people have more than one child.” That’s lazy reasoning and completely misses the point.

I have 3 and it was the best decision I ever made. I had all the guilt and worry thinking am I being selfish etc. I also struggled with my mental heath extreme anxiety and PND but I had lots of therapy to help me through the toughest times. Yesterday and today being at home seeing them all playing with toys so happily together it makes me feel so elated and proud. I would’ve definitely regretted not at least trying for a third. I say do what feels right for your family x

Personally, age gap would be too big for me, I couldn't go back to baby years once kids reached a certain age, but it's up to each individual family what works for them.

I have the same feelings and I’m 34, two children ages 7 & 4. I don’t find it selfish as the age gap is bigger, I would feel guilty having them all closer. I’ve been able to spend the younger years 121 for both my children and now they enjoy playing together or with friends, youngest starting
school to is year. However, my thoughts are more how much travelling we want to do and finances in this ever changing world, It’s a really hard decision but I am the same, now or never mindset.