AIBU to carry on with my not getting involved approach?

[TreedropsfromAmsterdam]

I have a friend of about 25 years standing. We met through work and stayed in touch despite moving to separate cities. She used to be great, brilliant, sociable, and a laugh. Over the years she’s changed quite a bit and we’ve grown apart. We still stay in touch via text and pay lip service to a friendship but the reality is I haven’t seen in her in person for 3-4 years.

She has a chequered romantic history and her current partner has a lot of personal issues relating to his ex. This has somehow led to my friend and her partner taking legal action against an organisation. They don’t have legal advice or a solicitor.

Through my work, I do know a little about the type of action they’re bringing, although it’s not something I’m an expert in. She’s tried to tap me for free guidance a couple of times, but I’ve point blank refused - first I’m no expert in that area and aside from that I don’t want to be involved, particular with only one side of the story.

In my most recent exchange with her, it’s clear they’re up against it, but she’s utterly and unrealistically confident in their prospects. I don’t know the full details but it’s obvious she doesn’t really get it, is completely blasé or just doesn’t understand the claim they’re pursuing or the cost risk involved if they lose.

Despite this, I’ve continued to be a listening ear but not got involved (and generally try to move the subject onto something else as swiftly as possible). However, I’m concerned that they’ll be hit with an order for costs if they lose and from the snippets I’m aware of she is totally unreasonable.

Ive started to feel uncomfortable, as a friend, about maintaining my “nothing to do with me” approach. Should I say something? It might fall on deaf ears, but at least I’ll have tried to avert the probable horror show that’s coming. Or should I continue as is?

AIBU to stay out of it?

Yes, I think you should at least try to warn her. She probably won't listen but your conscience will be clear.

PS the voting isn't clear as your title doesn't match the last sentence of your post.

I think saying "I really think you should get qualified legal advice" would be neutral enough. Otherwise you run the risk of your unreasonable friend blaming you for not warning her.

I'm all for staying out of things but in this case you could warn her/advise her to get some independent legal advice. She may already be aware and not care about the consequences but at least you'll have tried.

Thanks all - I have tried to nudge her in that general direction (to take legal advice) but she’s not done so. Maybe I just need to stop hinting and just say it
explicitly!

I think that I would have to be clear with her just the once that you think she is heading in the wrong direction and the possible consequences. Then step back at let her do want she wants. Your conscience would be clear then.

Yes, nudge her a bit strongly into getting proper advice. Maybe challenge her on her decesions and question her why she has done it, but in a general
way.

Of course tell her, cos she is going to blame you when it goes wrong!

It seems odd for her to be so invested in her partners issue. I'm not sure I'd want to be around when it goes wrong; if you think there's a risk she'll turn on you because she needs someone to blame then why stay involved at all?

Thanks. I’m not concerned she’ll turn it on me, I’m mainly just concerned about the impact on her if it goes wrong.

Personally I'd tell her I'm not an expert but this type of law can be complex and I've seen it backfire on people...you're best off speaking to a qualified lawyer.

So you're keeping your distance, telling her you're not going to give advice because its complicated (saves saying no) and pointing her in the right direction...its up to her then as you've done your best

I'd be blunt. You know if you don't win you might be liable for the costs. I really think you need to speak to a solicitor.

I wiuld say this once and then move on and tell her you are not disucssing it further if she carries on I would stop contact after that, personally there is only so much drama I can take of another person

Less of a nudge, more of a kick up the arse now. Be blunt.

No nudging. Just tell her she needs specific legal advice and to run her case via Chatgpt not you

This is madness.

• you're only paying lip service to the friendship
• you haven't seen her for several years

and in your words

Through my work, I do know a little about the type of action they’re bringing, although it’s not something I’m an expert in.

why do you feel you have anything to contribute to the relationship or to their action?

Why don't you tell her a story about someone else whose been hit with costs on something similar? Sometimes an anecdote helps as it's not directed at them.
However in my experience people sometimes double down when they are on a losing battle like this. No idea why

Yes, I mean, the OP no longer likes this person, so there are literally no stakes here. If she takes offence, it’s not a problem.

I’d probably say something like, ‘I’m not an expert in this field. You need to seek professional legal advice because there could be serious financial consequences for you if you don’t succeed’, and give her the name of a firm or person that is an expert but framing it as, ‘You should get in touch with somebody like xxx as this is their area’.

A few points.

First, I never said I had anything to contribute to her relationship. Her relationship is up to her, none of my business.

Second, “we” pay lip service to the friendship, not just me.

Third, the fact that the friendship has drifted apart doesn’t mean I want someone to make a massive mistake.

Fourth, I know enough about the type of claim she’s pursuing to understand there are big risks and she needs specialist help. She’s also clearly not objective or reasonable about it.

But yeah, you’re probably right, I should shut up and let her get on with it, given my inability to “contribute”.

I would absolutely state the possible risks and that they need proper legal advice. Be very blunt about it, a massive potential financial loss isn't a time for hints.