Probably am being unfair as I’m feeling sorry for myself but what would you do as a parent?

[Frertuu]

I’m a fully fledged adult so I appreciate that a lot of people on here will (I guess rightly?!) say I need to stand on my own two feet and get a grip.

Im having a bit of a hard time at the moment, for context. I am a single parent to dd 4 and work full time with zero practical input from ex apart from maintenance. I am juggling so much alone and quite literally have not had a ‘day off’ for four years. Recently, on top of everything else, I had a huge car bill of around 1.5k. At the time my family (ie parents, siblings, extended family, nephews) had all gone away to Antigua. My parents had actually offered to pay towards me coming on the trip but I would still have needed 1.5k even though they offered 1k, so I had to decline.

They then offered to pay 500 towards the car but said they wouldn’t pay it until back from travelling which means I will pay the bill in the meantime and it will leave me massively struggling for the month. I just feel shit and like
I have nobody to depend on. I know it’s not my family’s job to support me as a grown woman but I am truly trying my best and they do have the money to help but are too busy enjoying their luxury trip to login to online banking to send over what they’ve offered to pay.

I have been feeling sick with stress about taking the car in and whether it will break down between now and the appointment. I have got so much on my plate and just feel so alone. I suppose im mostly just venting as I feel stressed about everything and a bit envious that my entire family are on a summer holiday I can’t afford despite being in full time work and doing all I possibly can. Sending the money towards the car before the work is done and needs paying for would have been something to make it all a tiny bit better but now I just have that stress too. I know I’m lucky I even have any financial support. Just feel alone generally.

That sounds really hard. Worrying about money is tough. Could you use a credit card or overdraft in the meantime? Do your parents know you are struggling?

Is the no contact with your ex a choice on his / your part?

I’m not really sure what to say other than to offer sympathy.

I can’t fathom not helping my adult children in similar circumstances.

You’re working, so clearly doing as much as you can for yourself and the idea of jetting off on holiday without one of my children (and grandchildren from a future pov as am not at that stage yet) would just be incomprehensible to me.

Have you been honest with them about your situation? I’m just wondering if you said no to the holiday and they were not clear that finances were the blocker? Could they have assumed that you simply didn’t want to go?

I am trying to be kind in terms of their actions because even if I’d had a polite refusal I would have asked what the reason was (making clear that it was an invitation not a summons as the MN saying goes - just to ensure it was because they didn’t want to come and not because they couldn’t).

Sorry just to be clear - DH and I DO go on holiday without the adult DC’s 😃 but my response was in the context of a family holiday where some DC’s were coming and not others.

We have been in the situation where we have offered a holiday (most times they take us up on it) where one has declined but we’ve clear in mutual communication that it’s due to other factors than paying for it (work commitments in one case and in another they simply didn’t fancy the destination).

I have to say that adult children do have their crisis at the most inconvenient times - but I would ( and frequently have) done everything I could think of to help my child. Have you explicitly asked if they can sub you any earlier ? Because sometimes as a parent I need to be told very clearly what help is needed

other than that - life will get better sometime

Uch that sucks OP. At least you know the money to help is coming…eventually. 😕 Do you have a relationship with the garage at all? Could you explain they coujd maybe let you pay in instalments, I ask because mine kindly let me once.

Have you explicitly said that you're stressed out of your nut, that you're really appreciative of the money offer, and it would be double helpful if it could be as the bill came in, as bridging the gap will leave you short?

That whole situation is unsustainable, no days off for four years and completely unsupported isn't a goer OP. What is your family and friends set up? Is there nobody that will pitch in at all?

It sounds like you’re doing brilliantly under difficult circumstances. Things will get easier soon as your little one gets a bit older. I’d never usually suggest a credit card, but this sounds like one of those times where cash flow shouldn’t be allowed to mess things up if at all possible. Maybe you could get the car repair on low interest credit and get it paid off when your parent are able
to help. Good luck.

Thank you for the nice replies. I was expecting a lot of criticism.

I have explained to them that I couldn’t go on holiday as I just can’t afford it and they know the car bill is a huge stress to me and that I’m juggling everything alone. They will know I have a credit card available so they’ll just assume it’s fine to pay it over when they’re back in a week or so but it feels so lonely… like they can’t even be bothered to do a bank transfer as it will interrupt their break. I don’t know why it’s affected me so much, I think moments like this hit home that there’s nobody really who is there for me, there’s always a condition or something else that comes first. I can technically cope until they are back but it’s going to put me under a lot of pressure as I don’t want to use up too much of my credit card which will already be close to its limit after this payment

You are getting emotional about it OP as it’s hard not to, but if you just try to take it one day at a time, if you can use credit do so; tgat keeps you and your daughter with wheels. Then, once you get the helpful money from folks pay off instantly. You can ask if they had a nice time without getting too drawn in. Maybe a bit of space for a few weeks so you don’t have to listen to the ‘fantastic holiday!’ stories…

@weeat yes I think I am. I’ve been in tears most of this evening and it’s just not like me, I am usually quite good at just carrying on. I think I’ve just felt acutely alone about this. But that’s life I suppose! No chance of it changing anytime soon.

Awwww, really sorry that things are so tough.

Maybe just ask for that money transfer and say it’s fairly urgent.

I wouldn’t hesitate to make an immediate transfer to my children (and often do).

Hope everything works out… xx

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset and they are being a bit thoughtless if they are prepared to help you out, not doing so at the actual time you need it.

I also think you should feel really proud of having been able to do it all alone. It gets easier as they get bigger - being able to drop and run at parties, reciprocal sleepover arrangements with friends, overnight trips with BB or similar. It will not be like this forever.

Can you phone your parents in tears? You’ve probably been doing a great job of coping and everyone thinks you’re fine, if you show them how much this is really affecting you it might change things? Sometimes a bit of revealinG the emotions is called for, but you know your family best (this absolutely wouldn’t work in mine!), reach out and plainly ask for what you need - hopefully they will help you. You’re doing brilliantly xx

It seems to me your job doesn’t pay the amount of money you need so you are in a constant state of stress. When I was in this position I went to my boss and said financially I was finding if difficult to cope. That I loved my job and wanted to stay but I was getting to a point where I just couldn’t make it work. It was nerve wracking and I knew they needed me. Could you do that? It worked for me. Or look for a better paying job?

I would tell your parents how much stress /money worries are and ask if they can send money over now

it is hard going being a single parent - im
one and dd is always with me 24/7 and it’s tiring

is there a reason why ex doesn’t have your dc ?

in my case ex drinks so tho she sees him - it’s always with me

who helps with childcare /costs and will you hopefully be better off in Sept as they will be at school

I think it’s a bit shite they would have £1.5 gifted to you for Antigua but not £1.5 gifted to you for essential car work. Thats the height of being disconnected from the situation of being a person without money for essentials. It’s like you can’t afford bread and milk but they would drop some caviar off. Like fucking thanks for that.
Can you be more honest with them - say I’m on poverty here I need some bloody help!! I would swallow my pride with my family and spell it out for them but appreciate all families are different.

my dad wanted me to go on a ski trip with family aged 21 and it would have cost me £1000. I didn’t even have £100 from my low paying first job. He was so disconnected from my reality. I said you pay for me or I won’t come. Not my choice!

You are an adult but you're also single handedly carrying the responsibility of raising a young child. That is a lot on your shoulders. It's completely understandable to feel the way you do.