Friends violent teen

[Princessbanana]

Hi everyone, I'm just looking for some advice.
I have a friend who I've known for a long time, she is a lovely person and a very devoted mother but I think at times to her own detriment. We'll call her Tara. We both have children, all very close in age.
Tara's daughter and mine are both the same age but are very different. I'm not overly strict with my kids but they know that there's a line and they don't cross it and if they do they are punished accordingly. In Tara's house there is no punishment for any bad behaviour. Phone is not taken away, activities and trips still go ahead no matter how bad the behaviour, anything they ask for is still bought no matter what they've done.
Tara's daughter has started hitting, punching, pinching and kicking her over the last few years which my daughter knows about as Tara's daughter tells my daughter( Tara's daughter thinks it's funny)
So here is my AIBU..
My daughter recently celebrated her birthday and as a treat I told her she could pick 3 or 4 friends and we could do an expensive activity that my daughter had been looking to do for a long time.
My daughter did not want Tara's daughter coming to the activity as they have drifted apart in the last few months and my daughter has told me that she's simply put off her by the way she treats her mum and her attitude in general. I agreed with this as it was my daughter's birthday activity and we invited 4 girls to come with us but only 3 could make it. I didn't tell Tara or her daughter anything about this activity as Tara was working and her daughter was with her dad for the weekend.
The fourth girl that couldn't make it is in contact with Tara's daughter every now and then, but I think she may have told Tara's daughter about the activity even though she has told my daughter she didn't. I have a feeling that Tara knows about the activity somehow as she has not replied to my messages since the weekend.
Am I the ass hole for not making my daughter invite Tara's daughter? And how would you handle the situation if the conversation arises about the activity? I don't want to fall out with Tara as we are good friends but I also don't want to hurt her feelings.

It's your daughter's birthday, and she can choose who she wishes to spend it with. This may be the catalyst for a conversation about Tara's daughter's behaviour and Tara's enabling of it. This is not a bad thing. Stay open and curious, and support your daughter's decision. I feel she made the right one.

This is not Reddit but you are not being unreasonable to not insist your daughter invites hers, although I'm guessing as they're teens you know this anyway.

As you said, they've drifted apart so if Tara says anything just tell her that's the reason.

I would have told Tara in advance about the activity but made it clear the guests are your daughter's choosing, and if needs be state the reason why.

Awkward situation but you have to choose for your daughter here.

I think that (awkward as it is) it would have been wiser to text Tara ahead of time with something like "I've noticed that the girls are growing apart a little and much as it saddens me, this year my daughter's keeping her party very small.
They are their own people, and I expect in time will grow closer again later. We've been friends a long time throughout the children's changing phases and I hope we can give them both time. Let's catch up soon"

Something like that might still work

I don't think there is anything at all you can do about Tara's unkind lack of loving boundaries for her daughter though. Saying something will never end well. Tara's choosing short term refusal to be the Bad Guy over the long term wellbeing of her daughter, and people who do almost never take advice especially from a friend. The only chances are that the daughter is naturally sweetnatured enough to grow out of it, or that the situation becomes so unmanageable that Tara calls in external help and she listens to it.

Apologies, I've never actually done Reddit but I felt more like an Asshole than just unreasonable as myself and Tara are genuinely very close friends. They are teens and I hope this all blows over but I have a feeling Tara won't let this go so I'm unsure where to go from here. She hasn't text back to my last message a few days ago so I'm just going to leave it and see what happens.

I absolutely should have said in advance about the activity but then it would have come up about her daughter not going and I just don't have the heart to say the actual reason as to why my daughter didn't want her there. I'm genuinely a very up front person with everyone else in my life apart from Tara as we are so close.

I think you're absolutely right, the girls that did turn up were her school friends and I should have just said that I'm keeping it to a low number as the cost was genuinely extortionate.

You are completely reasonable in your dealings with Tara.
Yabvvu saying asshole, it's arsehole.

I know there's nothing I can do and I try to stay out of it and not judge the situation as much as I can. She does often ask me for advice on what to do, but I usually just say I don't know as I don't want to offend her. I'm not sure her daughter is actually going to grow out of this as she uses it to get her way with most things and her younger daughter has started doing the same thing in the last couple of months, simply because she is watching her bigger sister do it and get away with it. It's terrible because I don't want my children to look at that and think that it's ok. It wouldn't be as bad if she punished her in some form but she genuinely will take a beating from a child that's the same size and stronger than her and then get up the next morning, cook the child her favourite breakfast and bring her shopping for something nice. I think this issue is actually bigger than the birthday party now that I look at it.

You're friends with Tara.
Your daughter doesn't have to be friends with your friend's daughter just because you are and if she expects that, that's a bit controlling. Your daughter can invite whoever she wants to her party.

Tara's style of zero rules parenting is leading to her daughter having violent behavioural issues that are costing her friends.

I wouldn't encourage their friendship at all and I'd be honest with Tara that her daughter's violent behaviour and physical bullying was the reason why your daughter has pulled away. This is likely to become a major issue at some point.

Thanks for your reply and yes you're right, arsehole it is then 😂
I think I'm just going to have to keep strong as this situation is not going to magically go away, especially when Tara won't use any form of punishment, I can see it getting much worse if im completely honest.
I think next time I will mention the party or whatever it is beforehand and just say she's only inviting 3 of her close school friends as I told her the limit was 3.

Exactly, you've hit the nail on the head. Even up to last year I would have suggested to my daughter that she maybe should invite Tara's daughter but I have completely stopped doing that this year due to the escalation of Tara's daughters behaviour. I genuinely don't want my daughter around Tara's daughter at all now if I can help it, I don't want my children to look at that and consider it normal behaviour. I wish Tara would start putting some boundaries in place but I can't ever see that happening. I know this is going to become an issue because we are meant to be going on holidays with them next year and I think I'm going to pull the plug on that altogether and I'm going to have to explain why.

Your daughter sounds like a nice, principled young woman who chooses her friends wisely! And Tara sounds like a nightmare "gentle parent" but if you still want to be friends, send her a message asking directly if everything is OK and asking when you can catch up.

I wouldn’t worry about it. This is a natural consequence of dickhead parenting and your girls were never going be best friends for life. This is just what happens. Don’t overthink it.

I wouldn’t even give this a second thought. It’s not awkward. They are teens, not 3. Their friendships are no longer dictated by their parents’ friendships. My teen has friends she has drifted away from. She no longer spends loads of time with my friends’ dc. Some of her friends I barely know their parents except to WhatsApp them to arrange lift shares. So what? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Honestly, it’s such a non-event. I wouldn’t even be thinking about this now.