AIBU to assume neurodivergent

[ForRubyZebra]

I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation with their child and whether you think it's worth asking for an assessment for ADHD, autism, anxiety, or a combination of things.
My daughter is 6. School say she's generally fine there, but at home everything feels so intense. She's had huge emotions since she was tiny. Even as a toddler, if she was told no she'd have really dramatic reactions. Now she has meltdowns over what seem like small things, can become very defiant, and sometimes says, "Something inside me tells me to do it." She says sometimes she can stop herself, but other times she just can't.
She struggles massively with losing games or things not going how she expected, and she can be quite controlling when she's playing with friends because she wants things done a certain way. She does feel guilty if she's upset me, but doesn't always seem to recognise how her behaviour affects other people in the moment.
She also has quite a few sensory issues. She's terrified of loud noises like drills, hates wearing jeans, and is an incredibly fussy eater because of textures. She won't eat sauces or mash because they make her gag, and her diet is very limited.
She's also become extremely anxious. She's absolutely terrified of germs and of being sick. If she thinks she might catch something, or someone mentions sickness, she worries about it for ages.
She won't willingly stay with anyone other than me unless she's at school. She refuses to spend time at her grandma's or even stay with my partner if I need to nip out. If I try to leave, she'll become extremely distressed, try to bite whoever is stopping her from following me, and will chase after my car. If she thinks I'm going somewhere without her, she gets so anxious she feels physically sick. At bedtime she often tells me she feels sick because she's worrying that something might happen or that I'm going to leave.
Despite all of this, she's doing well at school and they don't really have concerns, which is what's making me question myself. I've read that some children, especially girls, can mask really well at school and then let everything out at home.
I'm not looking to label her if this is just her personality, but I also don't want to ignore something if getting the right support could make life easier for her.
Has anyone else's child been like this? Were they diagnosed with ADHD, autism, anxiety, a combination of these, or something completely different? Would you be asking your GP for a referral, or am I overthinking it? I'd really appreciate hearing other parents' experiences.

This sounds like my daughter. Shes fine at school (VERY rigidly follows rules, even if they upset her) but school were happy to assist with referral for autism/ADHD referral (I have both). Referral rejected as she is not developmentally delayed (i.e. fine at writing/maths). Awaiting appt with occupational therapy, who apparently can re-refer if they see a need. Meanwhile I am trying to read up on how to support her with her sensitivities (while also managing my own...). Good luck x

Its just awful isn't it, school wouldn't help at all im now looking at some kind of therapy for her

I have a 6yo who is diagnosed with ADHD (we live in a country where there is an emphasis on early diagnosis; I'm actually shocked your referral was rejected just because she's doing ok with writing and maths).

Some things sound similar to my son: he has big emotions and was relatively delayed in learning to lose games. He also really doesn't like being separated from me. He has sensory preferences also, though not the same ones (he craves touch and tends to like burying his face in soft things, or feeling textures on his cheek).

At that age, any referral should be for a general assessment. I just wanted to say: you mentioned looking for therapy for her: it's worth reading up a bit on what is actually recommended. For example, for ADHD individual therapy isn't recommended, but parent training is very strongly recommended and I've found it very helpful. Look at ADHD Dude online (he has also a podcast and some videos on YouTube) - if it resonates his online parent training is good and inexpensive.

Another thing I've found helpful (don't laugh) is discussing everything in great detail with chatgpt (I use a pseudonym and don't put identifying details, just in case). I ask it to act as a senior child psychologist with expertise in ADHD to help me understand and find ways to help my kid. It has helped me to look more closely at how behaviour/reactions unfold and has helped with ways to help him to notice and negotiate, for example, the strong feelings he has at the moment of parting when I leave him somewhere.

This is so helpful thank you!
The thing is i dont want benefits or anything like that i just want support for her and myself as im pulling my hair out by the end of the day and saying quite hurtful things like leave me alone and I don't want kisses and cuddles as she wants to be attached to me all the time

Just to clarify my last post: chatgpt in no way replaces diagnosis, and I think you should go to your GP and describe what is in the post including the dangerous behaviour at separation. I have just found it useful to give me pointers that I can't easily get otherwise, and some things have really, really helped.

For my son it has really helped for him to "externalise" some of the difficult things. Like he was saying "my head tells me not to brush my teeth" and just melting down about it, so we invented a bad creature called the DONTBRUSHYOURTEETH, then when we notice it has arrived, he invents some crazy story about sending it away to Dubai, then realises he can actually brush his teeth. Or with the separation (which is harder), we have been describing the feelings as a tsunami, which can be predicted, and it's a wave that will be there, and he can imagine each day getting ready to surf the tsunami when it arrives, rather than just being overcome with emotion and kicking and biting. It hasn't solved things entirely, but it lets him know it's ok to have a strong emotion, and he can identify it and knows it will pass, so feels more empowered to deal with it.

This sounds a LOT like my DD, who was diagnosed at 15. Please do speak to the GP to get a referral - waiting times can be 2 years so the earlier the better. Even if you do nothing about it, if your DD is ND, it will help to understand her better - and for heavens sake let her know if she is! Some parents refuse to tell their kids their diagnosis, and the poor kids just continue to feel like ‘ a freak or a failure’ ( in the words of my DD!)

Since my DD’s diagnosis things have got much, much better for her. She understands herself much better, is able to advocate for herself - to get support at college and uni for example, and has actually made some good, lasting friendships. She is able to deal with overwhelm better and recognises the early signs of burnout before it happens to her, so is able to (most of the time!) prevent it getting worse. she has transformed so much from the desperately unhappy girl she was before her diagnosis.

Also, even if your DD isn’t ND, by getting a referral to CAMHS you can access therapy etc to help her with the issues you mention, and the stress they cause her. Good luck

You're definitely not overthinking it. Whether it's ADHD, autism, anxiety, sensory differences, or a combination of things, it sounds like she's finding some parts of everyday life really hard, even if she's coping well at school.
Girls can sometimes hold it together all day and then let everything out at home, so it's worth mentioning to your GP, especially as the anxiety, sensory issues and big emotions seem to be affecting daily life. Even if it doesn't lead to a diagnosis, getting some advice or support can be really helpful.