Is this a "me problem"?

[FrankensteinWithAScrewLoose]

NC as I don't really want this shitshow linked to any other posts as could be outing.

I have had an on/off involvement with a guy for coming up to 2 years now. It's hard to define it as an actual relationship as it is more off than on but I am led to believe that it is and supposed to be exclusive.

We have recently had our longest break from eachother- 2 months with absolutely no contact, etc. And whilst i missed him and thought about him a lot, i took this time to accept it was clearly over and proceeded to readjust to my life. Unexpectedly he resurfaced 2 weeks ago and things/expectations immediately jumped into a full on entanglement. No conversation, no apology, no pleasantries. Just a week of him around, texting, sex, dates, coming over and not leaving unless i was at work, proclaims of love, etc. I won't lie, i was confused and tried my hardest not to get too comfortable. He has now disappeared off the scene again, with the odd messages of abuse that I have had to block him.

I am at the stage now where i feel generally terrible in myself when the relationship with him resumes. I am consumed by paranoia, questions and doubt. It's suffocating. This is a pattern of being together like nothing happened then periods of time apart like we dont exist, these are now extending to longer and longer. Any time I mention how it is making me feel and causing insecurities I am told I am poison and this is why he does it. These are all essentially 'me problems' to deal with, as he has been the "perfect boyfriend" for a week and my insecurities are impacting his value in me.

I am at a loss now and just generally sick of it all. I dont know why I want to be with him, but I do. I just cant do this whole ending, moving on then bam back to lovey dovey crap anymore.

I dont know what I'm looking for here, maybe just a headshake, a handheld or something but Christ ive never experienced love like this before.

And a lot of nasty manipulation too. Are you sure he isn't married OP? Whatever, this is not love, it's awful. Just block with no comment, no messages, nothing. And don't see him again if he turns up. Really! End it.🌺

I have been in a similar situation years ago. It’s going to be hard, but only you can do this. It’s almost like an addiction and traumatic bonding. You don’t realise so much when you’re in it. I recommend plenty of YouTube videos around the subject and self care , educate yourself. Let’s face it, you’re going to have to get out of it eventually. Is it around 5 times average it takes someone to leave an abusive/unhealthy relationship? I wish you all the best. I look back on it now and think what on earth was I doing. But you do learn from it and look out for the signs the next time around. Good luck

Intermittent reinforcement. A behaviour gets stronger when the reward for it is not consistent.

You think maybe the next time will be the time he stays, that things will be ok.

But he won't stay because he's not in love with you and the unreliability has you chasing those moments of warmth. He hurts you with silence and then relieves the hurt when he's there with you. Given there's at the least verbal abuse going on, you could be dealing with a trauma bond.

Some people like to play games and see people dance to their tune and he's one of those.

Therapy could help you disentangle this. But eventually you'll have to make the choice to walk away. You'll go through a withdrawal period like you do now when he disappears, but this time you don't respond or engage and the feelings fade.

Ending it and going no contact seemed to be the right decision for you. Letting him back in wasn't, because none of the behaviour that caused the relationship to be unworkable before had been addressed, let alone fixed. Not even all couples who are madly in love with each other can make an ongoing relationship work, and this relationship is at a significant disadvantage to start with because he doesn't like you, is (according to you) abusive, treats you like crap, is unwilling to communicate honestly, and is all take and no give.

Next time, hard as it is, go "cold turkey" and stick with it no matter what. You need to break the old patterns, and his dropping back into your life whenever he feels like it for whatever reason disrupts that healing. Don't allow it. Go through the process. It's hard. It's supposed to be. But you will get over him. And then if you need some outside help for remembering not to get involved with people who take away significantly more from your life than they give and hurt you far more than they support you, see about getting it.

You talk as if you have no agency in this - he goes away, he's abusive, he comes back...and you just passively accept it.

It doesn't sound like love to me. Love is kindness, support, caring, fun - not abuse and picking you up and dropping you whenever he feels like it.

The only person who can change this is you. You make the decision that you won't accept this and you end it and block him. No calls, no messages and you don't answer the door to him. Then you make arrangements to see friends, go out, exercise, eat well and look after yourself. Spend time thinking about what you want out of life - you only have one and it's too precious to waste on this loser.

Oh op. It’s oestrogen and oxytocin and other hormones making you feel like you want to be with him. It is harming you emotionally.

You have identified the problem and taken the first step by posting here. He has shown you who he is and now you need to act on that information. God forbid you should get pregnant to this selfish, manipulative, callous man.

Why are you allowing him to set the parameters of your relationship and make all of the decisions as to when you are together and when you are not? You are allowing him to treat you this way! Do you not have a voice and a choice?

Block him on every means of communication you have and every time you are tempted to get in touch say to yourself, would I be happy for my sister, friend, daughter, cousin, to be treated this way? If the answer is no then ask yourself why do you think you deserve it? Why are your standards for yourself so low? Why do you not deserve someone who really cares about you?

Role play what you would do and say if he happens to turn up again unexpectedly. Continue to build on your new life without him. Tell your friends and family and make the problem “real” to those around you, Arm yourself emotionally and practically so that you never see him again.

Maybe seek some support from a therapist or an honest trustworthy friend to help you explore this?

Good luck, be strong, you deserve so much better 💐

Look up truma bond and narcissism on YouTube

Thank you everyone who has posted so far, even the harsh reality ones that i already have come to see myself. I have had it drilled into me this whole 2 years that I am the sole problem, that I want to much for wanting exclusivity, I am poison for having and expressing feelings, that I am a cancer draining all the goodness out of him. It is hard to not to keep second guessing that when my own reality is constantly being warped and thrown into question.

However, I have seen the positive change in me these past 2 months, how calm it has been and how better I have felt not having to hear or feel all this stuff on repeat. Or having to silently question if i'm being played. It is right that I am in control of either letting this continue or ending my own part of cycle.

It is definitely more harder than just blocking and forgetting, but that first stage is done now. He's blocked on everything, not left with one line open as a just in case. I have also been looking into which therapies are available in my area which i think I need.

It is just so sad that I am wasting so much of my life and possible opportunities stuck in this mindf*ck.

@FrankensteinWithAScrewLoose you haven't wasted time at all. You have learned so much about yourself and that is never time wasted. Onwards, upwards and never look back.

No way Jose. I mean someone who just comes and goes is one thing, but if he tells you all that rubbish about being unreasonable/ cancer / poison etc then he can really get lost. He’s NO GOOD.