Immature 18 year old

[travelallthetime]

I have an immature 18 year old. Currently on holiday and getting drunk and falling out with his gf.

At home he had a job but is lazy round the house, probably like most 18 year olds.

Everythings a bit of a drama with him, he bumps his car, had a speeding ticket (only been driving 5 months, it’s was 34 in a 30 but still…)

every time he calls me I think ‘what now’.

which brings me to AIBU….he didn’t want to come away with us this year so we have a week abroad booked in two weeks time. After having a phone call with one drama or another every day of his holiday, AIBU to send him to his grandparents to sleep while I go away? I just don’t trust him not to leave a pizza in the oven, get pissed and throw up on the carpet, call me when I’m on holiday with some drama or another. At least if he is staying there I know these things aren’t happening.

He will go mad and refuse but I’m prepared to pack him a bag and literally lock him out of the house.

AIBU?

Do it! Tell him he can’t be trusted. Once he’s proven himself to be mature enough not to have one drama after another you’ll feel comfortable leaving him at home, until then, off to his grandparents when you’re away.

Poor grandparents.

he would be fine with them, he isn’t a bad kid just immature and if left to his own devices for a week I’m just not sure he will make it to work on time/not have too many to drink/have a drama. He can drive so will sort himself out with life but at least he will have supervision and therefore is unlikely to have a drama

He might be "fine with them", but do they want to take on the responsibility for a foolish teenager while you go on holiday? I wouldn't be impressed.

He sounds like a typical 18 year old. But because you have always been there and perhaps sorted stuff out he expects it even though he's technically an adult.

Yes tell him you don't trust him and that he's now an adult but doesn't behave like one he's not staying home alone.

They actually suggested it. Like I say, he’s just immature and has some growing up to do, it’s not like he gets drunk at home and throws up when we are here, he’ll be fine with them and then we can relax

Poor grandparents. Can you book him into kennels?

I think this is what we will do, his grandparents suggested it and he won’t cause them bother, he’s immature but he isn’t a bad kid!

he won’t be happy but we’ve both said he needs some sort of consequence so he learns. Hopefully it will make him think and perhaps grow up a bit

In your OP you said you were worried he would get drunk and throw up at home, now he doesn't?
You've also described him as lazy, argumentative, law- breaking, daily dramas....
And he doesn't want to stay with his grandparents!

Sounds like a great way to alienate your entire family!

What you’ve said isn’t that bad.

Falling out with his gf or getting a speeding ticket is not relevant to being left alone.

If you genuinely think he’d be unsafe being left at home alone then don’t but when weighing up the pros and cons, I wouldn’t include things that aren’t relevant.

He’s driving, has a job, has a gf, going on holiday - he sounds pretty mature compared to many 18yos now tbf.

You’ve misunderstood, left to his own devices he would likely get drunk and throw up, if he was at his grandparents he would be totally fine, he’s immature and I don’t trust him by himself, he’s not going out ‘law breaking’ (he got caught doing 34 in a 30 not stabbing someone) and is generally a nice kid. He’s just immature

But he's done all the things in your first post while under your care and jurisdiction.
And speeding is law- breaking, even if you feel it's minor.

I just feel for your parents/ ILs getting landed with an irresponsible teenager ( by your own admission) while you go on holiday. And using them as a "consequence" feels like a very negative attitude to their relationship.

Why not take him on holiday if he can't be left at home?

😁

Because not many 18 year olds want to go on holiday with their parents! My first holiday with mates was a trip to Ibiza when I was 15.

Could the grandparents check in on him regularly at home? He does need to start developing independence so that might be a good middle ground rather than treating him like a younger teen.

they could.....and would, it might be the middle ground.

Yes, I’d probably go with this, but I’d tell him that the other option is staying at his grandparents. Staying at home with no supervision is not an option.

We left DS1 at home when he was 19 as he didn’t want to come on holiday with us that year (has been several times since!) and all was well, because he’d grown up a lot since his infamous 17th birthday drunken vomiting incident). DS2 now 18 would be fine as he doesn’t drink and would never have a party.

But yours has shown he’s not yet ‘there’ so he needs some supervision.

I strongly suspect lots of 18 year old boys behave like this but lots live away from home and don't show this side to their parents. They have to solve their own issues though.
If they puke on the carpet, they have to clean it up themselves. If they damage their accomodation they have to pay for it or risk eviction/ losing their damage deposit. So for them, inappropriate behaviour carries consequences.
What about you OP? Are you part of the problem? Do you let him sort out his own issues or do you constantly jump in and solve things for him?
Have you generated an expectation that the norm is that he phones mum before tackling issues himself?
Bottom line. Have you ever distanced yourself enough from him to show you trust him and his judgement?
Maybe you both need a heart to heart chat about that.Tell him you want to show him that level of adult trust, but his past track record makes you doubt his maturity. Most teens would want to show they have adult qualities. Spell out to him what your doubts are and offer a choice. If he feels he is mature enough he can stay at home whilst you go on holiday- but he needs to behave appropriately, respect your property and resolve any minor issues himself. Tell him you expect to come back to a clean tidy house, that doesn't smell. Alternatively, if he wants babysitting, he can go to his grandparents.

I don't think you can just lock him out of the house! Tempting as it may be. At 18 you can't force him to go anywhere.

I guess it might be better to install a sensible adult in the house with him? But then he could just stay with mates. But I suppose that means he's not trashing your house!

You can tell him though that if he fucks up anything he's going to have to pay for it.

This is such a measured response and actually very true. I have bloody sorted stuff for him so its done 😳I have brought it on myself totally!

Like I say, not a bad kid but we are pretty close and he comes to me with his problems and therefore I probably know a lot more than some parents too.

Part of the problem is also that I remember what I was like at his age 😂

We do need to take a step back and will be doing, after a chat and a 'you really need to sort yourself out now'.

Im still not sure which way im going to go when we are away, I will give him a month to prove himself. His grandparents are great and if they see any sign of him being a dick they will come down on him like a ton of bricks, they arent dodery old age pensioners and will happily deal with him if they need to. It not like there is something every week, its just, given the drunkeness on holdiay and fall outs and phone calls to me I just dont want this when I am away, I am really stressed with work at the moment and need a proper break!

I did think about getting someone to stay but his grandparents is literally round the corner and he might stay at his girlfriends too on some nights.

I just want a stress free holiday!

Well of course he doesn't. So he has to prove he is sufficiently sensible and reliable to be left. Which this particular teenager appears not to have done.

Yeah I don't blame you! I hope you can x