AIBU to wonder if I am a doormat or good friend?

[Hi543]

How can you tell if someone is using you? I’ve been a doormat my entire life and thought as I got older I’ve gained confidence but I actually think I don’t deal with CF’s anymore as I’ve isolated myself. Most people in my life are great but there’s one friend I feel sometimes pushes boundaries and I feel a bit bad as she doesn’t have anyone to help out (neither do I but I feel my working hours are better). How can I tell if I’m being a door mat or just a good friend? Looking back at past times I was a door mat in my early teens I had the sane feelings but just dismissed them as I thought that’s whatever from a “good friend”

I think if you feel your boundaries are being pushed then that's what's happening - you're doing more than you're comfortable with.

I think friends should help each other but it's give and take. I've had friends where I've looked after their dc when I'd probably prefer not to... but then they've done the same. If it's all one-way then maybe time to step back.

The problem is it will be all one way as I don’t trust my kids with anyone due to childhood trauma so everything I do for her kids wise will be one way. I’m basically taking care of her kids tomorrow. I really can’t be bothered as I’ve got my 3! I just feel it’s such a big ask but I’ve agreed so obviously won’t back out. But I sometimes miss the days when I was isolating myself and only had my little bubble to think about. I think I have ADHD as I get worked up over these things. I’m meeting them outdoors and she’s going to drop hers off and I will take care of them for the morning at this activity. The younger ones are very little so I have to be really focused on them. I’m already anxious such as if anyone wants to go toilet what I do with the 5 of them plus if there’s stalls I will have to pay and I’m quite skint till the end of the month. My mind is working over time. I know normal people would just go with the flow but I get quite worried.

If you're asking yourself if you're being a doormat in this relationship then the probability is that you are. Something is making you feel uncomfortable. Also, I'd be inclined to back away from someone who pushed my boundaries, even if it was only sometimes, as it indicates a lack of respect.

Just seen your update. Wow - so not only are you looking after her kids tomorrow morning, you're paying for them as well? This has CF written all over it! As a minimum, she should be paying for the activities for her kids. I'd send her a message asking her to bring some cash with her when she drops them off.

Make this be the last time. If it's a genuine emergency then sure.

If it's one of many occasions where she just hasn't lined up actual childcare then the sooner she faces that problem, the better for everyone.

You’re a doormat if you can’t say no. I think you’re realising that you’re being taken advantage of, friend may not have much support, but that’s not your problemm. It’s nice to help others, but its also ok to say it’s not convenient, have other plans etc.

Surely she will give you spending money for them?

Ask for some.