AIBU to be worried about two years without intimacy in marriage

[TallChappie]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My partner and I have been married for 13 years and have two preteen kids. We have a lot of fun together and all get on great. House chores are split and we hardly ever argue or fight, as well as sharing some of the same hobbies. Overall we are happy together except for complete lack of intimacy… it’s been two years now since we have been intimate and feel like it’s getting worse. I’ve tried talking about it but she doesn’t seem interested or says she’s just tired.
I keep myself fit by regularly running and going to the gym and try to make myself appealing but it falls on uninterested eyes. Not sure what else to do, I want to be intimate and would love some excitement but feel like the flame has gone out. Any advice or suggestions would be highly appreciated!

When you say intimacy is it all intimacy or just sex? Do you still hold hands, touch, kiss, cuddle - or is she completely non tactile?

Depending on what intimacy looks like to you, it may take some baby steps to get to the end result you would like.

Thanks for replying! We kiss (peck) and sometimes hold hands, for a few moments but not long or often. Anything sexual is completely gone. I just feel like it’s gone on for too long now to fix this? Maybe this is just my life now 😕

omg sorry I added a poll 😅 Please ignore that. Didn’t realise it was there. Probably should have listed this under ‘Advice’ as well. Sorry newbie here.

I'd have to ask the question - 'do you see us ever having sex again or is that over as far as you're concerned?' Once you know either way you can decide how to proceed from there. It's not fair to be in limbo IMO.

Offering my solidarity, I have also been without sex for exactly 2 years. DH is loving, always wants to kiss and hold hands. The no sex is due to ED and him being tired all the time, (he works 2 jobs). He can't take viagra because of a heart condition. He's happy with oral but this never leads to sex now. I turn to self satisfaction and tell myself sex is like clubbing - I used to love it when I was younger but I don't do it anymore.

Are the chores really evenly split? And just the chores, or the mental load as well? Loads of men say they do even chores but only really do their tasks, but not the mental load (like for a bbq… man grills and therefore has cooked… but in reality, wife thinks about what food, shops for food, prepares food, sides etc, brings meat outside, fetches tongues etc… ) - that can lead to a lot of resentment. Do you listen to her? Is/ was there only intimacy if it would lead to something?

Haha. Yes, I feel the same. 2 years feels like 10 years though 😖

Thanks. It’s hard to say at the moment and not sure. I guess I need to try and ask again and pose this question.

I feel so and always have been. I’ve always been quite hands on and happy to do a lot of the cooking - I was a chef in another life (20’s) so enjoy doing it. I also do a lot of the house work as she has a quite intensive job.

You say you go running and to the gym regularly - does she get equal chance to get out and about?

Ok so we are in a similar position. Housemates rather than lovers.
I would like to have sex actually but DH doesn’t appear to think about it until we are in bed. No build up, no flirting or touching or kissing during the day or evening. Just lights out and then rolls towards me. At that point I just want to go to sleep. I’m not interested in having sex with someone who only thinks
about it once in bed and expects me to be able to go from housemate to turned on sex partner like flipping a switch.

Any chance this is your issue? What would happen if you made more advances during the day or evening? More flirting, kiss her neck etc? Would she reject?

I use these at work during lunch, try to do an hour each day during the week. She does sometimes but also has a busy job so it can be hard for her.

It is tough. If you had a decent sex life in the past then it could probably be rekindled. Do you spend much time together alone?
We went through a weird spell where I had lost interest, things turned around again. It sounds like she is wore out, can you take on more things at home.

Thanks. It could be, recently (few months) though I haven’t even tried anything going to bed as I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I understand your points. I think like the other commenter said, baby steps. I need to try and build back some basic intimacy first, like you suggested. It sounds simple but feels so hard. I really appreciate your thoughts! I hope things get better for you too. Happy to talk if you need it!

Not a lot of time together alone to be honest. We’re both so busy all the time, then with the kids… As I said, we’re all happy though and everything works well. It’s just this one missing piece. It might be we need to outsource some of the house work, at least initially to take the pressure off a bit. Perhaps that’s an idea.

The responses on these threads always split according to the sex of the poster (though I have noticed it is better than it was a couple of years ago).

If if were a female posting, most would be saying ‘cherchez la femme’’. I would say here ‘cherchez l’homme’.

Any chance she is having an affair. That would be my first thought after 2 years, especially if you are both still relatively young.

In any event, you won’t solve it without talking about it. It sounds like you have a relatively good marriage, so it is worth working on. In the genuine absence of an affair, counselling is probably the way ahead.

Men like to have sex to relax, women like to be relaxed to have sex.
Life is busy and hectic for her so sex feels like another task. I’ve been there.
The thing about it’s enjoyable when you make the effort.
You both need to rebuild intimacy slowly but when you’re time poor it’s difficult. Use this month to show love without the expectation of sex and build on it. Bring home flowers chocolates or a bottle of wine. Take the kids out for the evening, make her a random coffee.
Definitely employ a cleaner.

As in you giving him oral ? If so he can get an erection? Has he got hands ? Absolutely not.

I think it depends on if you are happy with how things are. Sex is not the be all end all.

A lot of people on here tell you what you should be doing, but rarely ask what you want to be doing.

Personally, I would be happy to never do it again (age 45, married for 20 years). It’s been that way pre-husband too, I’m just not very affectionate!!
I do have sex for husband sake and enjoy it in the moment. When people boast about going at it like rabbits, I personally could not think of anything worse!!

She could have had hormonal changes depending on age/contraceptives etc. I've always been on the contraceptive pill and when I was younger it didn't affect things much but now in mid-thirties (peri-menopause rearing it's head) honestly it has taken away every bit of desire.
I've spoken to my OH at length about it because I think he was starting to wonder if I just wasn't attracted to him anymore which isn't the case really...I want to want sex but the truth is, I just don't at the moment which is sad. He is on the list to get the snip and considering going private so that I can stop taking the pill. Other contraceptives I've tried are even worse and turn me into a raging psychopath which was no fun for anyone🙈
None of this may be relevant to your situation but you're not going to know unless you both have a good talk about it. She might not even know what the issue is herself but you sound like you are trying to be really understanding which is the main thing.

Is your wife on hormonal contraception? That can really kill off sex drive in some women.

I definitely think you need to talk to her. Sometimes people don’t want sex and don’t want to want it, either. Sometimes people don’t want sex but wish they did want it. I think you need to talk sensitively to your wife, without making judgements or accusations, and ask her if this is something she’d like to get back.

So I noticed you have said the following

"She has a quite intensive job"

Then when asked if she gets time for downtime and hobbies snd exercise like you do

"She has a busy job so it's hard for her"

Then when asked if you spend much time together alone in general

"Not a lot of time together to be honest we are both so busy and then with the kids."

I suspect that is your answer in a nutshell. Add in hormonal changes and life is just really hard.

Instead of jumping straight to sex I would see what you can do to help ease the burden of an intensive job, give her the time and headspace for relaxation and exercise and time together.

Then yoy can build your intimacy back up