What would you call an ‘involved grandparent’

[Blossoms217]

Out of interest, as I don’t know what I am comparing to. We always have to ask for help if we need it which is rare as we cover most of the childcare ourselves. The reason for this is sometimes I look at my parents and think they struggle to ‘entertain’ children and would rather put them in front of a screen. Not my MIL but my parents have never offered to take them anywhere, I hope one day if my children have their own children I would take them all over. Not only that but maybe have them over one or two night. My parents live in a 5 bed are well off and in eight years have never asked of this once ..
My parents are in their 50s so not elderly or anything .. am I being unreasonable?
I just had a look at my annual leave and I’m clinging on my a thread nothing left.

Have you asked them to have them?

Show an interest in them? I think they could be involved without babysitting, it's possible to have a good relationship with someone even if you are unable to help them physically.
I don't think that's what you are asking though.

If they’re in their 50s are they still working?

I think a lot of grandparents are worried about overstepping the mark. I was reading on here last week about a new mother who was planning to keep them away and prevent them from visiting until the baby was three weeks old.
I mean, what message does that send?
I think with my children when they have children, we’re gonna sit down and have a very honest conversation beforehand to decide what they’re expectations are vice versa

I think ‘involved’ can mean being interested in the grandchildren and enjoying spending time with you all as a family, not necessarily doing childcare for you.

I would say “involved grandparents” see their grandchildren regularly and know stuff about them - likes and dislikes, the name of their teddy bear or imaginary friend, their favourite colour/dinosaur/cartoon etc. I don’t think grandparents HAVE to be provide childcare or days out in order to be “involved” with their grandchildren, they just need to be present and interested.

If you’re parent who has 100 rules about organic food and children not being kissed and not feeding them after 6pm and a strict bedtime of 6:43, no earlier no later then I think you breed disinterested grandparents.

If you have a “you brought me up fine do what you want” approach, then I appreciate that their stance is trickier to deal with.

What were they like with you as a child? As I’m not sure you should expect them to be much different with grandchildren

I think it’s a term I’d probably avoid, as to me it has overtones (or undertones?) of being part of decision making etc which clearly GPs wouldn’t be unless they had adopted/ fostered the kids.

But I think grandparents can come in all different forms and it’s important for everyone to be clear re expectations and offerings.

Agreed. I would have considered both sets of DS's grandparents 'involved' despite the fact that we had DS in a different country to the one they lived in. Lots of Skype calls, a general interest in his development, enthusiastic engagement with photos (I'd set up a private Instagram account for just DH and I and our parents, so they could see daily photos.)

You might be right, but to me it suggests more an expectation of childcare.

My dad and his wife, and my partner’s parents are all involved grandparents in my estimation. They’ve never babysat my children or taken care of them but that’s through my choice as my children are only 1 and 2, but what they do do is…

Ask about the children when my partner and I speak to our respective families
See them weekly, it’s all of us together but it’s consistent
Play with the children and spend time with them when either they visit or we visit them
Take an interest in what they’ve been up to, they remember to ask how appointments have gone or about certain things that we’ve done

For me that’s being an involved grandparent and I’m very very lucky that my children have got four of them!

Thank you, I think maybe because I have a lot of people around me who have sleepovers or go camping , holidays etc. I just had this thought of if I always seem to have to ask and even then it’s because it’s something like work or dental. I remember being at my grandparents over the holidays with my cousins and cherish those memories. They work odd hours which includes one weekend day each too so we hardly ever see them together.

My DM died suddenly before my DDs were born but DF was and still is a brilliant GF.

We lived 230 miles away but he was always hands-on with them from day 3. He had a reputation as a baby-whisperer and was always happy to hold one even when they were screeching the place down - he was super-chilled and they picked up on it.

I left DD1 with him for 3 hours to play in a concert when she was 4 months old. DH and I were both in the (amateur) orchestra and we used to take her to rehearsals. DF said he’d be fine so off we went. We came home to a silent house. DF was dozing with DD lying on his shoulder with a tedious train journey on the TV!
Over the years, he built her a playhouse and got her to screw it together aged 3. He watched her ballet lessons and her music concerts. He visited often and would help with school runs.
He bought her a car on condition that he could be on the insurance. He went out with her practising her driving.
In 2020, both DDs told him he was coming to stay during the pandemic. He stayed for 7 months; they were university students by then.
They are now in full-time careers but if I need a break from caring for him, they always step in. As they say, he looked after us, now we return the favour.
I think he was and at 91 still is an involved grandparent.

This is amazing I can imagine my husband being like this he’s great with kids!

We saw my parents loads when my kids were little-all together though, rather than my parents just taking them somewhere without me.

Yes this thread has made me realise, I think when we are together which is rare the focus is more on the adult conversations. It’s tricky, as it’s sort of what we did at my grandparents and just played with the other children.

Babysitting is very boring and exhausting. I'm in my 50s and if I'd done a week at work, the last thing I'd want to do is give up a night or weekend to looking after someone else's child. I love my own child but if she had a child now (plausible ish) I'd be a bit gutted to have to spend my weekend doing her childcare.

So what do you actually want from them? Formulate what that is and ask!

It could do but it could also mean just spending time with the family as a whole as much as providing childcare.

But I just think the decision making element is sort of hovering around the phrase I think.