AIBU to feel hurt my partner never offered to help?

[PandyDandy]

Okay, here goes - new here but would appreciate your thoughts.
I needed my backyard walls painting and because of the costs quoted thought I'd do it myself.
I have medical issues but choose to give things a go basically because I have to. Friends stepped in to help without asking and brought ladders etc which I was so grateful for.
In all we completed the work over the course of a month.
I have a partner who lives 3/4 an hour away and didn't offer at any point to help. Basically if he came up for a weekend I put the work on hold or took time off as quite frankly I was shattered.
He tells me how great I am for getting on with the job in hand and how talented I am, lots of lovely words but no help.
I've helped him with things in the past and absolutely do not expect to be repaid.
Am I being unreasonable to think he could have pitched in and helped?

I assume it didn't occur to him, if your friends were helping out and you put stuff away when he came.

The sensible thing to have done would have been to say, 'Would you be able to do an hour or so's painting with me this afternoon, just to help out?' if that's what you wanted him to do.

How can he be a partner if he lives 4 hours away?

what have you helped him with? Did he ask?

Perhaps he thought you were doing a good job and wanted the time off to relax when he came over.

It's weird he didn't OFFER because as a partner, he must see you quite a lot? so why wouldn't he.

A friend that was visiting twice a year or something, that would be normal not to offer. It's not expected

I took the 3/4 hour to be 0.75 hours.

You could presumably have asked him for help? Any reason you didn’t, or was it that you didn’t say anything so you could blame him for messing up?

Ah yes i think you are right.

He has just shown you who he is, a taker.
You are foolish to be hosting and helping a taker.
He couldn't be arsed so he didn't offer.
Stop hosting and stop helping him.

Is your boyfriend a mind reader? You weren't doing any of this painting while he was there and you didn't ask him to help.

Why does everyone have to help you just because you don't want to pay someone to do it?

You already had one person helping you.

Plus how would you have managed without their ladders if you don't have your own?

You sound a bit entitled here to be honest.

She didn’t even ask him. This is on the OP, not him.

Sorry I meant three quarters of an hour

So instead of paying for it due to the cost, you got one free labourer but expected two?

I would've just been grateful for the one to be honest.

I wouldn't expect anyone to help in that situation and TBH I wouldn't offer to help anyone else.

Over the weekend while he was there I'd either have put everything away so I could have a rest and enjoy our time together, or I'd gave let him know I planned to get on with it and either he'd be entertaining himself or was welcome to help.

I don't know why he'd offer to help if you'd packed everything up, but like everything else in a relationship, you need to ask for what you need, not leave him to guess.

When someone shows you who they really are…..

You can use this as some kind of personality/mind-reading test by all means, but ime some people just need to be told or asked, certainly not legft to divine things. Especially given that you said you put the work on hold and took time off when he visited. Sure it'd be nice if he was like some others and offered anyway, but lots of people aren't like that and you can't read too much into it and be this martyr going on about how shattered you are. If you want his help, ask for it.

Why would he offer to help you do something that you already had in hand? And if you needed more help then what stopped you asking?

He didn't offer but did you at any point ask him for help?

Yes, a normal person who cannot read minds and thinks two people are more than enough to do a bit of painting.

Did you ever mention that x and y are coming over on wheneverday, would p like to help put to get it done quicker? Or was ot some sort of initiative test on your part?

Also: I've helped him with things in the past and absolutely do not expect to be repaid.

I mean, clearly you do, that's the basis of your post. Most people pay handymen to do these kinds of tasks, unless it's something they get a bang out of. Others don't want to spend their weekends on it, and it's rarely an urgent task anyway.

Does he ever help you?

If the relationship is unequal with most of the giving on your side and him doing most of the taking, I would have a word with him and if that doesn’t work, just dump him.

And if he did offer, some people would call him a sexist patronising pig for mansplaining how he could do it better and pushing in when he wasn't asked.

I'd say it depends what his life looks like - I work full time, have 2 kids and do a voluntary role for the community. I fail to keep on top of my own home maintenance to a standard I'd like - I just don't have capacity to help with somebody else's, no matter how much I love them! In an ideal world yes, it would have been kind for him to offer. But perhaps he sees his time with you as much needed downtime? Agree with others that if you expected/wanted his help you should have asked.

Hes not a mind reader you should have ask him outright can you or would you like help simple.

You dont live together and you said you had friends helping what was he to think.

If he had said dont let your friends do it i`ll do it he would he have come across as controlling, or patronising.

The treads on here today are weird.