How often dh goes out

[trampolinebounce]

I dont know if im jealous or if its a bit much.
5 DC 16,8,6,3 and 1.
Dh joined a club that meets every 2 weeks do an activity or whatever. But in between these theres other nights/odd weekend planned. When hes home he does his fair share of housework but not child care.

I hardly go anywhere and even if I did want to usually cant because of this.

1 year old is still breastfed and 3 year old is a handful. Teen is pretty good bar the odd screaming match hardly see her shes usually out with friends or in her room. They are not her kids so I try very hard for her to not be watching them. So it can be alot being on my own with 4 kids.

Last month was 17 out of 30 days.

When OP said 'they are not her kids' I think she meant the 16yo, as in she doesn't ask her eldest kid to look after her younger siblings.

To be out 17/30 is not ok. He’s avoiding family life. I guess the 5 kids was by mutual agreement, in which case he needs to start pulling his weight!

In your shoes I’d start a walking hobby. Earmark the days he is in and be out, even if just for an hour walk. Put your foot down and demand change. You must be exhausted!

@trampolinebounce
What is it you want to do? Find a club and tell him that on tuesdays* you will be out doing your hobby.

Be assertive.

Well id just like some time to myself really which any mother does. Dunno what id do with the time tbh.
Kids aren't that bad just obviously full on with 5 kids.
He is really good in other areas and I understand the need to have things outside family life. Guess I dont wanna be the controlling wife telling him he can't go out.

Why is he the one organising things for the group? Can that not be done by other members who have less responsibilities.
17 out of 30 days is not acceptable. He is spending more time on his hobby than he is with his wife and children. You and your children are not his priority.
The club meets every 2 weeks ( 2 days out of 30) yet he is out for 17.
What kind of activity is it ?

Guess I dont wanna be the controlling wife telling him he can't go out.

This is an issue. In a balanced relationship there should be space for conversation and if he gave a shiny shite about the woman who had borne him five children, he would actively WANT you to have some time to yourself and do what was necessary to lean in and facilitate that.

Don't be cowed by some "I don't want to be a nag" rhetoric, that's designed to keep your mouth shut, it works too, but don't buy it.

On days he doesn’t work what does he do with DC? When was the last time he parented them by himself? Does he ever do night wakings, change nappies? Does he know who your children’s best friends are, favourite teacher, school subject?

Sp on the other 13 days you go out. Simple. At least book once per week your clubactivity

He does do night wakings with the 3 year old. I deal with 1 year old as she co sleeps. Will do nappy changes. He knows the teachers but probably not best friends of the boys as it changes weekly. Last time he solo parented was 24th of June when I had to take my mum to a hospital appointment. (Which he did take off work for)

What I did in a very similar situation was joined a club as well. I joined a sports clubs and train once a week and play matches (on average) every other week.

I didn’t even want to do the club BUT I came to absolutely love it. And the time away from the house, making new friends took away the resentment of my husband getting all the free time and me always being the full time parent.

You then explain to husband that you’ll be out every Monday (or whatever it is) and sometimes on a Thursday but you are happy to keep having the children at least that much for him to do his clubs too.

Yeah this. You just take your time. Don't sit about waiting for him to give you it. He'll just have to manage with the kids like you do.

Are the kids in school and nursery or are you a SAHM?

Sounds like he's a very present DP and father but you need to carve some time for you every week

Can you join a club or a gym or similar? Even a regular meet up with friends

17 nights out of 30? That's crazy! We each go our 3-4 times a month. All we can afford and we want to be with our kids and partner.

Yeah i guess some of what I feel is rejection like he dosent want to be with us too but I also get needing a break as I obviously want one too.

Used to work till May of this year but now dont due to other circumstances. 3 out of 5 kids at school. 3 year old will be nursery in August. So will be easier when that happens.

Just seems like a bit of a bumpy time atm.
Tbf to DH he used to be away alot with his union rep position and that wasnt working out so he dropped that. Still had his normal job through all