AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my mum after having baby number two?

[Queenie678]

Had my second baby last week. Mum came to help with our toddler (who’s in nursery FT) for 2.5 days. She’s great with the toddler, did some cleaning, and we were grateful. But she’s been really overbearing and I’m wondering if I’m being too sensitive/hormonal.

Examples:
• In hospital (after no sleep) she insisted on coming to “give my partner a break” and sat for 4.5 hours. She kept me awake the whole time even though baby was sleeping. Midwives told her I needed rest.
• Suggested the new baby should sleep with her on our first night home so she could bring them to me when they cried. I said no.
• On her last day she announced my dad was coming to meet the baby right as toddler’s nap time — I had to say no.
• Sat waiting for us to make her lunch (we were exhausted and low on food) even though she had food in the fridge. My dad ended up taking her out.
• When I asked her to step back with the overtired toddler who was reaching for dad, she went into a massive sulk, barely spoke, stormed around packing, and was crying in the car as they left.
• Since she left she’s sent lots of messages and missed calls. I told her I’m overwhelmed with visitors, exhausted, and am on antibiotics. She replied “oh no, when can I come this week?” and later “would love a call to see how you are.”

We normally have a decent relationship but her communication can be poor. I feel so disappointed and angry with how unaware she’s been. Am I overreacting? How would you approach this with her?

She sounds full on but well meaning. Sounds like she has helped a lot with your toddler, and some of these just aren't issues like your dad wanting to come at nap time - surely just "can you come an hour later so that X has finished their nap?" and it's resolved? You say she's not good at communication but I wonder if you struggle too as some of this is just normal conversation. Having a strop when leaving it over the top and I couldn't be bothered dealing with that either. Hopefully things will be calmer once you're healed x

I agree with pp.

If my mum had tried any of this, I would just say "Oh sorry, no, that doesn't work because xyz. How about this instead?" And she would say "Ah yes that's much better, I'll do that then."

If your mum does not react reasonably and pleasantly to you saying her suggestion is no good, THAT'S where you have a problem. It's not the fact that she made the suggestion in the first place.

You are one week postpartum. You need to do what’s right for you. It sounds overwhelming but well meaning. Just keep up with the firm nos and enjoy this lovely time with your toddler, partner and new baby 💕 congratulations!

Turn your phone off or her have your partner answer and say you are “busy enjoying motherhood and will be in touch soon.”

After the first night with my second we sent my mother home even though it meant my partner could only be with me 9.30-2.30 in the hospital so he do the school runs.

We didn't have it with my first as we were fortunate enough from that respect that it was during the pandemic as my mum has form for being overbearing.

My mum is good with routine so she's been coming round every Wednesday afternoon. She did get into a habit of coming earlier and earlier every week until one week when my second was 6 weeks I had a call from my dad to say she was on her way at 10. I was on the way to the supermarket so told him to phone her and get her to go back home as I wasn't home and wouldn't be for at least an hour. She came at 2 instead which was the time we originally agreed. She now phones to see what plans i have and when she can come it's usually between 12 and 2 she comes. I'm doing a baby class in their town (they are about 10 miles from me) so I spend a morning with them and have some lunch. It's hard on me some weeks but on the whole having a routine where she gets to see us a couple of times a week in a way that allows me to rest and do what I need is working out ok

If she's a bit of a sulker, whatever you do will be wrong anyway, so I'd send her a message saying you are having a "quiet week" with no visitors at all and will be back in touch when you are ready.

You are tired and emotional after the birth, she is excited about the new baby, probably worried about you and trying to be helpful, but missing the mark. It will all be good in a few weeks when you are stronger and things are more normal.

Thank you everyone for your replies. It’s really helpful to get some outside perspective while I’m still in the newborn fog!
I agree she’s mostly well-meaning and has been great with the toddler, but the sulking and not picking up on how exhausted I am have left me feeling really disappointed and on edge. I’ll take your advice and keep the firm but polite boundaries, and probably send a “quiet week, no visitors” type message.
Thanks again x

She means well but I couldn’t do with the crying and sulking. I would tell her you all need a rest and you’ll message her next week when it’s convenient for you for her to pop over then ignore your phone. If she sulks again in future have your dp step in and say it’s inappropriate of her.