AIBU to consider leaving my husband over our different future plans?

[Icantthinkofausername123]

AIBU to leave my husband?

Im a bit delicate atm as im currently signed off work with burnout. Never thought this would happen to me. My brother died, dad died, got married, husband had a breakdown and took a 30k pay cut to our household income (we are not rich, this went down to about £40k when all our bills were based at £70k), two kids, misacarriage last september and husband now says he's done with kids... and through it all i turned up to work. Now suddenly im off sick after a day when I just could not look at anything and the tears just rolled. What is my life?

Do i leave and find someone who has a future with combined goals or stay with someone I love and have a good time, but doesn't care about my wants

I think I would take some time focused on yourself and try and get to a more stable position with your mental health and recover from your burnout before making any massive life decisions.

Once you’ve recovered and you’re in a position to think clearly about what your future looks like, have a calm and clear conversation with your DH about having more children. If he doesn’t want to, listen to him and his reason, hear him and be kind. It may be that his reasons are to do with your miscarriage and needing more grieving time or yojr current finances which may be different in a year or two. It might be fixable.

If you really are of two polar opposite views and you won’t be able to make changes to come to the same view, then you need to think if you can live in his future. If you can’t, then you leave.

I think now is not the time for big decisions. You've had a hell of a lot going on, take some time to rest and recover then see how you feel.

You aren't in the head space to make such a drastic decision. You need to unpick each part. How old are you? Surely you need time after the bereavements and your DH's breakdown before putting a baby in the mix? Did you get married after having two children? Is your DH in recovery? If you love him and have good times, I don't see why you'd throw that away.

I don’t think these big decision are what you should spend time and energy on right now. Take time to look after yourself, get some support and help. You’ve been through a lot.

But surely, quite apart from your current understandable overwhelm, you simply can’t afford another child, anyway?

Thank you everyone. Im actually 36 so im not exactly young. No we can't afford another child and IKnow that deep down
But I look in the mirror and this isnt the life I was meant to live and im just so lost

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my twins at birth two and a half years ago in the NICU and before that I had two early losses too. Baby loss plays havoc on relationships and theres a lot more going on too in your life. Is your husband perhaps being cautious due to his mental health and the finances. 36 isnt old baby wise. I'm 35. I lost 4 babies in 2 years, my twins being the hardest loss and grief does take its toll and it makes you worry about age and fertility. Dont make any decisions now. You need to take a breath and be good to yourself before you do anything. Did you get help after your miscarriage. Its such a lonely time

36 would be a little on the old side if you were talking about a first baby but you're not, you have time. I agree with others who say you need to take a bit of time to recover and see how you feel once some time has passed. I had recurrent miscarriage age 31-33 and my dad died and in the middle of that I decided to change careers and it was a total disaster, I really regretted it.

Im so sorry for your losses.
If your dh has had a breakdown and you're experiencing burnout then you both need have time before trying for a baby. Be kind to yourselves

Support each other to recover.

Focus on supporting your spouse into becoming well enough to a return to part time work.
Don't make any decisions. You are both low and needy. Allow yourselves to wallow and recover.

When I was burnt out. Talking therapy helped. Its made me feel seen again.

You need to breath, take time. Give yourself a year before making any big decisions.

You dont want to hear this but no a 3rd child is madness in this situation. Like sticking a plaster over an open fracture.