Angry at DH for helping friends

[CharDee]

I’m usually the first to gush about how amazing DH is but I’m really annoyed at him and just want to see if I’m completely over reacting!

He has been away with work for 3 weeks, we have guests coming to stay with us on Wednesday and the guest room is a mess. I’ve done what I can but some things need to be taken to the loft, some furniture needs repairing and it needs to be painted. I physically cannot do these things by myself. Like I say, I’ve done what I can. I’ve been really unwell whilst he’s been away and the house itself isn’t “guest ready”. Our guests won’t be bothered but I want it to be at least clean, tidy and welcoming.
DH got back yesterday morning and we went over what needs doing. He was quite confident we’d get it all done today and so was I. We had a wedding yesterday so we were out all day but didn’t drink and got home just after 12 so it wasn’t too late and we hangover free when we got up.

This morning he asked if he had a spare hour today. I asked what for and he said to help his friend move. They are moving and have a 6 month old and 4 year old with SEND so asked if DH could just help load up the moving van with the heavier things this morning and then maybe pop back later on and help unload at the new house which is only round the corner from us. I said that was fine but we have loads to do today and I physically cannot do anything else in the guest room by myself now so it needed to be an hour. Then going back later would be ok as long as again it wasn’t too long and depending on how we had got on with our things.

He left at 11 and still isn’t home. He’s been back and forth between houses in the moving van and in his car loading and unloading. I’ve been tidying the house but just can’t do anything in the guest room, I honestly would if I could. I also really want to watch the football this evening with DS and we have special plans for making some Spanish food for tea that DS was excited to do with DH.

I’ve just asked him how much longer and he replied with quite a vague answer and I’ve replied with quite an angry message about how annoyed I am that he’s been out the whole day. He’s said they needed his help and I’ve said that isn’t his problem, I need his help and we had planned what we were doing. I’ve asked him again how long and he’s just said not too long.

Am I being too harsh? I know he’s doing a nice thing for friends but that’s now put us in a position where we can’t get what we need doing done in time. They are good friends and I know they won’t be making him stay or feel guilty about leaving. If they knew he had other things to do they would tell him to go.

This would annoy me too , yes he is being kind to someone but his first priority is his own home !

YANBU YOU needed his help. In HIS house. 1. Your own wife comes before your friends. 2. He agreed to help you first.

He's chosen to be the hero in someone else's story and cover himself in glory than be a team player in his own marriage.

He needs to stay up and get it done by himself. He doesn't get to help his friends at your expense.

Thank you. That makes me feel better. I’d honestly go and help them with him if I could and if we didn’t have our own stuff to do.

Ask him when they will be coming over to do the work you need help with

Does he have form for being the knight in shining armour when it comes to others but not at home?

That both of you thought he’d be done in an hour is laughable! Of course it would be all day.
I’m on my own and I’ve hired ‘muscle’ to help with this sort of thing. Basically a neighbour’s teenage son! Pay them £20-40 depending on how long it takes. When my son visits with a mate I often get them to do some stuff around the house - though I pay them with beer and a cooked meal…

Tell him he has to come up with the plan for when he'll do the necessary work. That could be him taking a day off work, staying up late or getting up early the next couple of days. But it will be him doing it and also him explaining to your guests why the house isn't ready if that's the outcome. You stick to your plans.

Whose friends are the guests and who invited them?
has he been on a jolly with work?

Oh behave! What a day off work to tidy up a guest room?

He doesn’t have form for rushing in to save the day as a white knight or anything but he is a good friend and will offer to help if he can or if asked will try to.

He’s just got home. So they had movers in yesterday but their van broke down on one of the trips so they moved all the big furniture down in to their garage yesterday ready to be loaded in another van. The movers couldn’t do today so they refunded them and also sorted out another van which was very nice of them. DH was only meant to go and move the big stuff from the garage to the van which genuinely would’ve taken an hour / hour and a half tops. He decided to help with everything else. And then went to the new house to unload. And built a set of bunk beds for their spare room. He didn’t think I’d be annoyed because he was just helping them. I asked him what his plan is now for our house and if he’s going to ask them to come over tomorrow and help him. Obviously I wouldn’t expect them to, it’s not their fault DH was a helpful idiot. He said not to worry we’ll get things done tomorrow. I’ve reminded him that I’m in work until 9:30 tomorrow and Tuesday will be far too late to paint. He’s suggesting putting them in his office instead and I’m just leaving him to sort all the details. The guest room is actually a little self contained granny flat that up until recently my niece lived in but it became a storage dumping ground after she moved out. I’d rather they had their own space than be crammed in the office but we might just have to make do

The guests are not coming until Wednesday.

Honestly you’re being very unreasonable, and very mean; he’s perfectly entitled to help his friends. Him helping others doesn’t mean he can’t help you too. I don’t know why you needed to mention that the 4 year old has SEND; whether he does or not makes no difference, as a 4 year old will get in the way during the process regardless. That’s what 4 year olds do.

There’s still tomorrow and Tuesday to tidy the guest room. It can’t possibly be allowed to have got so untidy that it can’t be sorted in an hour or two, unless you are hoarders or there’s something similar you’ve not told us.

Unless they are skint and moving because they couldn't afford the house they were in then they've taken the piss. He hasn't given a shit about your guests, so let him sort it. I wouldn't let things build up in future, with you being so busy.

YANBU to be annoyed but I would just make it his problem.

I'd forget about the painting now and just focus on the other stuff. Unless there are horrific slogans graffitied on the walls your guests will be fine!

Things have only built up with him being away and me being unwell. Usually it would be sorted but I’ve had surgery so couldn’t do anything and then I’m still recovering so can’t do bigger things. I’ve not had any help so it’s been me and DS getting on with it. Things like during, mopping, laundry have all slipped because I’ve been unable to do it. I would have asked these friends for help and they would have done but I’ve just not wanted anyone to know my situation for various reasons. The only person who knew about my surgery apart from work and DH was my niece. We’re both working until Wednesday, with me being in all day and a then delivering training tomorrow night so we really only have Tuesday evening.

I understand he’s free to help his friends and would encourage him to do so and like I said I would have helped too either by taking the children or helping with the moving if I was well enough but couldn’t. I’m annoyed that him doing this has meant we’re now behind.

Why are you even having guests stay op? Isn’t this the issue. You haven’t recovered sufficiently at home or caught up to host. It’s too much pressure. I would move the date.

This, do these guests know how unwell you’ve been? I can’t imagine someone who is meant to be a friend putting all this stress on you!

They don’t know, I will tell them when they get here but didn’t want them to worry. I’m mostly recovered now it’s just heavy lifting I can’t really do. I was back in work last week on light duties and coped ok but was exhausted when I got home which is why the weekend was the time to catch up on everything. I’m off work from Wednesday for 2 weeks so when they’re here I won’t be too tired. They’re friends coming over from Australia and I’m so looking forward to seeing them. They honestly wouldn’t care if the house was a mess but I would!

The guest room doesn't need to be decorated, just clean and as free from clutter as possible. Can your niece help you? Or could you pay someone to clean it and make up the bed? Then all your dh needs to do is move the stuff out.

You keep saying the guests wont care
So you should relax
stop worrying
Explain your op when they arrive
They will likely help.you with whatever needs doing
I am sure they grateful to be staying somewhere free of charge and hapoy to help

In hindsight, I should have just got a cleaner in last week and then someone else to come in and do the repairs, tip runs and putting things up in the loft but I was confident we’d get it done today between the two of us, maybe a bit of help from DS too. I’m not going to be able to arrange for anyone to come tomorrow but I’m just leaving it all to DH to sort now.

My niece sadly cannot help because she’s currently in Thailand and will be there until October but she did try to book a flight home when she realised I was home recovering from surgery without DH.

@CharDee are they your friends or dhs? Who invited them?

One was my best friend from high school who met DH literally on our first date by accident and they’ve always got on and then his wife just became another close friend straight away too. So they’re both our friends but it’s more like family staying really. I’m “Aunty Char” to their kids who are also coming.

Just had a full cry to DH about it and he feels awful and is genuinely sorry for being so thoughtless. The last time I saw this friend was the last World Cup final and we watched it with a friend who died last year so I think I’m maybe a bit extra emotional today maybe?

He’s offered to book us all in an Airbnb somewhere nice from Wednesday to Wednesday when they will be leaving to see family. We didn’t have any plans apart from to just spend time together, catch up and go on some nice days out with the kids so this might be a nice little win and a break away all in one.

To be honest-I’d give priority to the family with a SEND child moving house over panting a bed for friends to sleep in. Surely good friends would understand if their room isn’t pristine in the circumstances.

My take is that, while his own home should come before a friends' home, however their need to move house trumps your need to tidy before friends visit. So, in a triage of needs sort of way, I'd say your DH did the right thing as when people have to move, they are usually completely tied to a specific day and their life quite literally can't continue until the move is done. So it's a must, whereas your guests staying in a freshly painted guest room is more of a nice to have.
Sorry, maybe this is not what you wanted to hear, but that's my genuine opinion.