I feel quite guilty even typing this because I know a lot of people would give anything to have their mum around, but here goes.
I'm 36, DH is 40. We've been married four years this august. Ever since the wedding my mum has been obsessed with one thing, grandchildren. We did not want children straight away.
Every time we've seen my parents she's made comments about us not having children yet. Things like "I don't understand how you're married and still don't have a baby" or "You're not getting any younger." Sometimes it's said jokingly, sometimes not, but it's become such a regular thing that I dread it.
What she doesn't know is we've had two miscarriages.
We kept both completely private because I couldn't face talking about it to my mother (my sisters know) them while we were trying to process everything ourselves.
I'm now 13 weeks pregnant again and we're over the moon but equally terrified just taking it day by day. We haven't told either family yet because we're still trying to protect ourselves if the worst happens again.
The strange thing is I'm actually more worried about telling my mum than anyone else.
It's made me realise that this isn't really about pregnancy. It's about our whole relationship.
She's always been incredibly critical of me. Nothing has ever quite been good enough. At school it was why didn't I do better. At work it was why wasn't I earning more. When we got married it became questions about babies. It always feels like there's another box I'm expected to tick.
The biggest argument we've had recently was over buying our house.
My parents wanted to buy us a house in Haslemere outright, saying they could use what would eventually be part of my inheritance. It was an incredibly generous offer and I know many people would bite their hand off.
But DH and I wanted to buy somewhere ourselves. We saved our own deposit and bought a four bedroom house that we love in Guildford. It requires a bit of work but it had the same owners for 70 yrs it has lots of character which is what we wanted. Whereas my parents wanted to spend 1m+ on a house for us which is generous but we’d never hear the end of it and I’d feel as though I’d spend my life owing them. My siblings and I have all declined help from our mother as it’s not help it’s just another way for her to always have something on us. Us saying no, you’d have thought we'd personally insulted her. It feels much nicer living out house that we saved up and bought ourselves. It wasn't just disappointment. It became another example of us apparently making the wrong decision.
Meanwhile, my in-laws have been the complete opposite. They knew about both miscarriages. They've never once asked when we're having children, never pressured us, never made us feel guilty. They've simply supported us and let us make our own decisions.
I didn't realise until I got married how different family relationships could be.I've recently started counselling because I'm beginning to understand just how much my mum affects me.
When I see her name come up on my phone, I don't feel happy. I feel anxious. I actually have to give myself a little pep talk before answering because I know there's a fair chance the conversation will leave me feeling criticised or somehow lacking.That can't be normal.
Now that I'm pregnant, I'm also finding myself thinking about what sort of grandmother she'll be and what sort of mother I will be.
The thought of my child growing up feeling the way I have honestly makes me feel sick.
I know she loves me in her own way. She gave us a very very privileged upbringing albeit majority were of our childhood was spent at boarding school and I've never wanted for anything materially. But emotionally I've spent most of my life feeling like I was constantly trying to earn her approval.
I'm frightened I'll somehow end up parenting the same way because it's all I've known, which is one of the reasons I've started therapy.The more distance I have from my mum, the happier and calmer I seem to be.
Part of me doesn't even want to tell her about the pregnancy for quite a while. Another part of me is wondering whether I even want her to have a big role in my child's life.
I know that sounds awful.
AIBU? Am I letting years of resentment cloud my judgement, or is it reasonable to want to protect my own little family from a relationship that leaves me feeling worse every time?