When two family members are not speaking

[Pepperminter]

Is it ok to completely remove yourself from the issue? Think of a father and son who have historically had issues. I'm not privy at all details. Dad not speaking to son, son doesn't understand why. I think the dad is likely in the wrong, as it seems he is ignoring his son and it is bordering on cruel as the son doesn't know what he's done. I am close to both and don't have the emotional bandwidth to even go there. I'm a lone parent with a busy schedule working full time and parenting the rest. Constantly physically and mentally exhausted. In this situation the son is my brother. Am I obliged to play some kind of role here? What if I was asked to pass on a message aka 'tell him I am thinking of him'? Bandwidth is dwindling.

Do you feel your dad is in the wrong @Pepperminter? Your post although brief suggests so and often fathers treat their sons differently to their daughters.

I’m guessing your brother is trying to reach out but your dad is stonewalling him? Not sure if that’s what you imply. If that’s the case, although I understand you have been emotionally battered by all this I’d be tempted to intervene on your brothers behalf to some degree. I’d begin by telling your dad you don’t want to fall out with him but he needs to put things right or at least talk with your brother. Then I’m afraid you’ll have to step away and hope they can work it out. I’d acknowledge your brothers hurt to him directly if he doesn’t appear to be in the wrong. It can wreck a relationship if a sibling doesn’t have your back when a parent is behaving badly, I have experience of this.

I would just support my brother and not get into it. This sort of 'not speaking' behavior is pretty toxic and part of some power play so don't get in the middle of it. Your brother needs to discover for himself how much of this he will accept or not, and whether leaning into the silence and enjoying the rupture might be for the best!

The thing about "not getting into it" when one party is bullying another, is that neutrality generally works in the favour of the bully.

If your df is being awful to your db, the right thing to do is to side with your db.

Agree with the others, support your brother to the extent you can while protecting your bandwith. Even if it's just an occaional text, I'm sure he would appreciate it.

(possibly when things are more settled he may be able to give you a hand with a bit of practical help?)

In this scenario, the title is misleading - brother wants to talk, dad does not. I also assume there is a massive backstory to this thread.

I'd stand with your brother.

Also, if there were issues historically, it's unlikely this situation resolves. Ever. Which means you need to decide now if you want to have a relationship with dad, or with brother. Unlikely you will have both.

I can't just cut one or the other out though. There is such a huge history between them that includes bad behaviour from both sides. I am so close with both of them, so is my son, just emotionally drained atm. Guess it is impossible to get an answer without going into the ridiculously long details which isn't possible as I could write a book, but thanks all. Apologies for the vague thread.

You cannot change anything about this situation. You ask if you can remove yourself from the issue, but keep contact with both as you're close with both?

Do you struggle with boundaries OP?

I agree with this. Do you think your emotions are being drained partly because you feel you should be the one to resolve it? Are they expecting you to?

Ideally you take a step back emotionally from their problem, while still be in touch with both. They can't make you insert yourself into it.

And remember, support goes both ways. I hope they're considering your difficulties as much as you're considering theirs. Hopefully you have other support too x

Don’t try and push the relationship. At least one of them won’t thank you for interfering and you’ll be a flying monkey.
it is possible for you to retain a relationship with both of them but you’ll need to have very clear boundaries and not discuss one with the other. One or both of them may struggle with this and you may feel that it’s not tenable but it is worth a try.