About going to secondary school

[Needforclean]

Ds will be going up to secondary school in Sept.

There are roughly 20 children from his primary going.

On induction day the children could choose 3 friends that they’d like to be in form with.

Ds chose Fred, John and Bill. He got put on with Fred and John and two other children that he doesn’t really speak to. Bill got put in a different class with the rest of the friendship group.

At the time Ds and Fred were like two peas in a pod, but since then Fred and John have paired off together well and truly and Ds just seems to drift between different friends.

Aibu to be a bit worried?

I know they tend to make new friends, but Ds has always found this hard, throughout most of primary he stuck with one boy and only in the last few years branched out into a bigger friendship group.

We’ve been told that they’ll be in form for all lessons apart from maths and English.

Yabu - don’t worry about it
Yanbu - ask for the class to be changed

Support your child in new friendship and he will do fine. To ask to change class is an overkill reaction.

Does he do any activities outside of school where he may know some of the other children?

As PP encourage and support new friends.

He'll be fine. It's all part of growing up.

I don’t think you can realistically ask for him to be changed classes this late in the day! What happens if they change his class and then over the summer they cycle back to the original friend are you going to ask they change it again!

I get why you're worried, I was too, but trust me, he'll find new friends and may not even speak to Fred and John outside of form time!

He does do activities but none of the children from those are going to his school.

I do try to support his friendships such as inviting children over, they all seem to have a nice time but he rarely gets invited back it can be very one sided,

He will be surrounded by lots of new people both in class and during breaktimes. Kinda annoying that Fred and John have paired off and left out your ds but by October that may have fizzled to nothing anyway. I wouldnt worry at all.

Easy to say but don't overthink this.

Knowing people in your form matters for the first half term and then new alliances begin. My DS knew nobody in his class (while everyone else seemed to have at least one friend 🙄).

He now has a nice, varied group of new and old mates from various classes. Their form isn't the be all and end all.

His extra curricular mates from sport and cubs have also become more of a focus, interestingly.

Give it a chance, it will probably all work out fine.

Mum of 5 Don't ask to change, When it comes to secondary school your child isn't put into friendship groups it's more to do with the level they are at he will make new friends i promise you

DS3 started school with 3 children from his junior school. None of which he was particularly friendly with. It was a rough term but by Christmas he settled, he is autistic too which adds a complicating layer.

He’s just finished year 9 and has a great group of friends and loves school.

what I’m saying is-it’ll be okay, don’t have the school make changes before he’s even started.

Thanks. I know it would be ridiculous to ask to change at this point, especially as nothing has even happened yet. I’m just fretting.

The class he’s in with Fred and John is probably the quieter children, the other class seems to be the louder ones.

In some ways I wonder if they are better off just having a fresh start.

There is an enormous amount of work that goes into form allocations. He will know people in his form, even if they’re not best friends any more. There will be new friends he hasn’t met yet.

I think he has to give it a chance. Moving into a different form is a bit like dominoes. Push one and the whole lot collapses.

Yes! Probably this. DC1 never really had any friends in primary. In secondary they always did, which I think was down to the fact there was a much larger pool of kids to choose from at secondary.

That’s interesting. Do they get info from the primary schools in terms of abilities/personalities.

I do truly hope he makes some new, nice friends.

Even though he has a big group I don’t think he’s found the person he really clicks with.

Don't worry about it, they nearly all move on from primary school friends by the end of Y7.

Your feelings are to protect your son and we'd all feel same it's a hard process

The secondary school will get information from the primary schools, which they use (although some primaries are better than others). However, as pp have said, the yr7s always make new friends, and friendship groups change. Don't let it concern you.

My youngest had 3 good friends when she left primary and they were all put in her secondary class. Two were closer as their mums were good friends - they dropped dd during the holiday club the school organised before they started. The other girl was somewhat odd, and though dd stayed friends with her for a while, she became very frustrated with her as the girl lied and exaggerated all the time. She made other new friends though - actually moved through roughly 3 friendship groups over 5 years (last two incomplete due to covid). I wouldn't worry.

DD hardly ever spoke to her old friends from primary again. She made new connections on the induction day and met with some during the Summer break.

I think the only one she stayed a bit closer to was a girl who also attended the same Scout pack for a while.

Friendship is really changing at secondary level, I wouldn't worry but encourage him to be open and talk to others, exchange phone numbers and let him make his own plans.

They're very unlikely to change the classes anyway, especially if the school is full. If him moving would require another child to move too, then it is not an option.

Leave it to shake out. Threes are hard to sustain long term anyway and he should have plenty of opportunities with other classmates.

I do understand the worries you have, I think it’s normal. But you need to encourage your child to make other friends when he starts his new school, regardless of how many he currently has. I remember way back when she started year 7 in a school she knew no one, telling my daughter that if she sees anyone being left out of things, to include them. Partly because it’s the right thing to do, and partly because she might make some good friends that way. Both are true and she did.

My experience was the strong friendships were made in the extra curricular activities, not the classes. These were the children they had stuff in common with, whereas the class friends were just random.

To ask to change class before he's even started is a massive over-reaction. Give it until at least Christmas.

Listen out for when he starts mentioning names of new friends, and offer to have them round.
It'll be fine.

Anecdotally, I remember having to put 5 friends on my list when I was due to start secondary school. I got one of them, and she certainly wasn't my "best" friend.
A year later, my three best mates were 2 girls from different primary schools to mine, and a girl from my primary school that I'd literally never spoken to until we were in the same form at secondary.

Don't be that parent.
He has 5 years now and will change classes, maybe wven forms, many times. There may be sets,language options, gcses, he may even make a good friend in y11. Unless you are planning to attend the school in his place, just leave the poor kid to live his life. He got two of the friends he asked for, so don't even know why you are so bothered.

Give him time to settle in, it will take at least half a term. Both my children attended a school with no one from their primary, they mostly went into a feeder school with a couple going off to the grammar school or private schools.

They both made friends with new people. Ds1 instantly with the child he was sitting next to in form, seated alphabetically. This new friend went to stand with all his primary mates at break and Ds1 just tagged along as they were talking. He stayed with that group and half of them still meet up in their early 20s.

Ds2 who is my very quirky but interesting child, he just walked around the playground at break and lunch so he looked like he was heading somewhere rather than standing alone. One kid asked him if he was looking for someone and they have been friends for the last 9 years. They were in a group, one dropped out after year 11 and they gained a new friend in year 12. They are still all in touch even though they are all at different unis.

Even though a lot will sort of cling to primary mates at break etc school do a great job at intentionally breaking up primary friendships to enable them to make new friends. Clubs are great for this, something to talk about that they have in common. Everyone is scared as it is all new, from a different teacher for every subject and moving classrooms.

The first day of year 7 is usually spent going over the rules, talking them through their planner and homework and then with a map they go and find their classrooms and mark them off. Mine also left a good 10 minutes before the rest of the school kick out so they can leave without the masses.

What you can do to help your son. Stand with him in front of a mirror, keep his head up, a slight smile on his face to look approachable and confident even if he doesn't feel it So many children are now in his year group and they want to make friends. Get him to look at himself whilst talking to you. He can talk to his classmates about which school they came from. Do they walk, take the bus, get a lift? Did they like that last teacher etc.

Only worry when you have to. As my Mother would say, don't meet trouble half way. Talk to him about you starting school but keep it positive.