How to deal with school WhatsApp groups

[Summerevenings123]

I’ve got an 11 year old ds, just finished year 6.

I’m after realistic advice please do not just people saying ban smartphones until 16.

Ds has had a phone for about 6 months. It has parental controls so he can’t download apps and it all goes off at 9pm etc. I put WhatsApp on the phone quite innocently so that he could share photos with family and keep in touch with friends.

I have a much older child and never had any problems with bullying on WhatsApp, I always monitored it.

It seems like a whole new world with ds2. Firstly I will say that ds doesn’t engage with the WhatsApp groups. He’s not interested and moves most of the chats to archive.

However I check his phone and he’s constantly bringing added to different WhatsApp groups.

They are absolutely dreadful. So much arguing, some of the girls are posting sexual content for example talking about boys penis sizes.

One of the things they keep doing is sending stupid pictures of one another l. Ds seems to be a particular target for this and they keep zooming in on dodgy school photos of him and making memes and AI videos of his photos. They all seem to do it to each other but Ds seems to be a target for the photos.

He’s going to secondary school with most of these children and they’re doing polls of who they’d rather play with in secondary.

Because ds doesn’t read or post in the group chats some of his friends are sending the photos directly to him.

Lots of the children are also on WhatsApp until 2-3am. Clearly with no parental supervision.

It’s just crazy.

Now I know some people will jump in and say the age fr WhatsApp is 13 and I’m a terrible parent etc.

But what is the best, realistic course of action.

Ds isn’t actually reading any of the messages and obviously I don’t want him to see it, but he does occasionally use WhatsApp to arrange play dates and stuff. Plus is it going to get any better even once they are all 13 and legally ‘allowed’.

Hey OP - agree it's very tricky. You can change his WhatsApp settings so that he won't be added to a group without an invite.

A quick Google will show you the steps to do it.

It doesn't remove the bullying and the unhelpful friends who are directly sending him messages, but it will stop the incessant WhatsApp groups popping up.

Re the friends directly sending him photos. I had something similar with my son and the parent clearly not checking their child's phone regularly. I actually dropped the Mum a message (attempting!) a casual tone, of "could you have a word with XX about the messages about my child? I'm sure it's unintentional, they're all learning how to use their phones (etc etc) but it's causing him some upset. Thanks!"

The Mum was mortified and immediately put a stop to it. I think my son's friend just hadn't thought things through and is genuinely learning social etiquette with phones, but my son needed that support as he'd asked his friend to stop and it hadn't worked.

I'm not saying it was the right thing to do - just what I did.

My son has been told to say that his parents don't let him join WhatsApp groups as a get out. The reality is he doesn't like them and finds it too much, but didn't know how to say that to his friends.

I'm always happy for him to blame me as a get out of social situations he's not comfortable with. He's 12 and navigating a lot.

Not sure any of that helps - I'm sorry for your son as it sounds horrible.

As someone whose kid has been the one being the dickhead in a group chat and has been messaged by another parent, I agree with above - at this age I’d drop the parents a message if you have one. In some cases a parent has replied from their child’s phone to a group chat to remind kids to wind their necks in. Though the behaviour you describe does sound a bit more extreme. Also agree on changing settings so he can’t be automatically added to group chats and empower him to say to his friends he doesn’t want messages to be forwarded to him from groups he’s not in.

We were forced to take a particular WhatsApp group to the police. Our son bought it to our attention when his “friend” started a hate campaign against another boy and then began using racially offensive language. At that point it was cyber bullying and a hate crime.
We kept our son in the groups (on the police advice) and only removed it when he left primary school.

People always think I'm way too OTT about not allowing pictures of my kids online and us having zero digital footprint.
Your sutuation explains exactly why in this day and age it is so important.
Anyone can take a photo or a voice clip and do anything they like with it.

It’s so annoying because I literally don’t have any social media.

The kids are using school class photos and photos taken at parties that they are getting off their parents phones etc etc.

It’s terrible really.

The school have a policy of no photos or videos taken but parents ignore it and taken sneaky videos, plus you can’t really stop the class photos.

Going forward to secondary I’m going to tick the box that says no photography.

There was none of this with my older child even though they had smartphones it didn’t seem to be a thing.

100% you need to report this to the school

Firstly, I'm so pleased for your son that he's moving on to secondary. It sounds like he's been with a horrible group and likelihood is the dynamic will change swiftly in September when they're split up & they become much smaller fish in a much older pond and find new friends and interests.

Personally I'd delete the unpleasant groups from the archive and change the settings to invite only. It'll be less 'fun' for the bullies if he's not seeing their bullshit.

Ask his genuine friends parents to speak to their kids about not forwarding upsetting posts - say you appreciate they're trying to help but it's just not.

It sounds like you have a sensible boy - he's chosen to to engage rather than letting it get to him but he shouldn't need to do that.
Things will change in September.

I do think there’s a period where they all get WhatsApp and go MENTAL creating groups all over the place and it’s a steep learning curve.

They do have to learn a bit of etiquette I think and some learn quicker than others. My youngest is now 13
and they’ve all grown up.

change his settings so he can't be added to groups, and he has to manually approve for a start.

Use that time to teach him how to use it safely.

It's crazy if people wait until they are 13 or 16 to "discover' whatsapp, much better when the kids learn to figure out early, get it off their system. By the time he starts secondary, the novelty will have worn off for the others anyway, or he can just block them

Unless you remove your child from all sports groups, all birthday parties, all play dates, all time in the park, the pool etc.. there will be photos. And frankly no one can ban parents from taking photos or videos of their own kids birthday party, (not directed to you OP!) but don't send your child if you don't want photos of them

Why do you keep saying that you want “realistic” advice, but you’re not considering removing his phone/whatsapp?

Thousands of parents have chosen not to allow their kids to have smartphones. The government is banning social media for kids. Nearly every high school near me is smartphone-free from September and they are all actively encouraging parents to buy brick phones and seriously limit screen time. The evidence is pretty clear that kids’ brains cannot cope with social media/smartphones at this age.

I’m not trying to be unkind or unrealistic, but I would think about how you can more proactively protect your kid.

it's not "unrealistic"

but in practice, removing a phone from a child means he's being left out.

They arrange their meet-ups together, they invite each other on their own groups (parents check later to confirm!) , they discuss homework and project.

From year 7, even when phones are banned from school (confiscated + detention given), they still need them to communicate with parents for sports events etc..

I will VERY sorry for year 6 with no phone, they miss out on so much social life, it's very sad. Also they don't learn to use them when they are little enough for parents to police and monitor HEAVILY. It's not that easy if you wait until they are teenagers, when they rightly demand some privacy!

That’s very much not what the data suggests or proves though. It’s a strange straw man argument - we don’t give kids wine aged 10, so they can ‘learn’ to manage it safely.

But also, just to add - it isn’t easy. Parenting is quite tricky, and we have to navigate it as best we can.

There are lots of things parents did 30/40/50 years ago which we would flinch at now. Giving mobiles to kids 5/10 years ago was perhaps seen as ok - and so it feels upsetting to hear that it’s not. But evidence moves on and we know now that it’s not.

It’s not easy - I have a 14 year old - but we do have to parent and protect our kids from
known harms.

I am not raising my kids based on "data" or other opinion. I can see what's happening in their real life. I can also see that the parents who were VERY reluctant or completely against phone have changed their minds.

Many of us find it easier to deal with the first over-excitement and drama in Primary. It really dies down.

People do what they want, it doesn't affect me, but I do feel sorry if a child has no phone. It's lonely. (and I know, cue posters coming to claim that their child is the most popular, more successful and most resourceful at school , and they don't need a phone to be the Star of the year, but that's not happening around me)

A few things.

The school have explicitly said that they will not get involved in any WhatsApp squabbles. They had an assembly and they urged parents to check their children’s phones but they sad do not come to them because it’s not a school issue.

We are also now in no man’s land where he’s left primary but hasn’t yet started secondary.

Call me a wimp but I really don’t feel comfortable approaching the parents. I don’t think they’d care and they clearly don’t care enough to monitor their children’s phone usage.

I can’t stop the photos being taken as they are being taken at parties or are school photos. Ds doesn’t actually know what’s going on because he doesn’t read on the groups.

He’s going to secondary school with these children in Sept.

I’ve the settings now so that he can’t be added to any more groups but that doesn’t really make the problem go away it only stops ds from seeing it.

The school absolutely need to get involved if they have a policy of no photos and parents are sneaking videos. This is a massive safeguarding issue and those parents need banning from events.
Hell is entitled parents who think the rules don't apply to them.
Although you say he has left the school now so it's all a bit too late for that now.

oh please
all parents take photos and videos of their children. Of course you don't "ban" parents, how ridiculous. Ideally you just don't put them on social media when you setting are not private.

With the new meta glasses now, it's a non-issue, it's impossible to police anymore

Clearly you are one of those parents.
If you are asked not to take photos and videos you should abide by the rules, not just do whatever the hell you like.
If people refuse to abide by the rules, of course they should be banned. Nothing ridiculous about that whatsoever. The only ridiculous thing here is you, normalising moronic entitled behaviour

I have no problem with people taking photos of their videos of their children.
It's really hypocritical to make a big fuss, when all the children are happily playing in parks after school, wearing their very recognisable school uniforms, and no one is bothered about videos then

I have never heard of parents being "banned" from school , how utterly ridiculous 😂

Pics of your kids will end up on social media one way or another. I am more confused why people are so happy with kids being so easily identified by the school logos on all their uniforms and belongings.