AIBU to feel resentful

[RainbowDropSs]

A few months ago my ex got back in touch by email after several years of having no contact with our children.
The email was really emotional. He was begging for forgiveness, saying he’d changed, that he wanted another chance, that he wanted to see the kids again and finally be a proper dad. He also said he’d start paying regular maintenance.
Against my better judgement, I responded. I thought maybe he’d finally grown up and realised what he’d missed.
Well… it lasted one month.
Since then he’s gone silent again. He hasn’t paid a penny towards the children, hasn’t asked to see them, and I haven’t heard anything from him for over a month.
I’m just so angry with myself for falling for it again. I genuinely hoped he had changed, not so much for me but for the children. I thought maybe they’d finally have a dad who wanted to be involved.
Instead he’s disappeared again without a word, and I’m left feeling like an idiot.
Part of me thinks I should have known better after all these years, but another part thinks it’s hard not to believe someone when they’re pouring their heart out, saying all the right things and begging for another chance.
AIBU to think that if he really wanted to be a parent he wouldn’t disappear again for a month? Someone told me I can’t expect change straight away but I’m not expecting it straight away, he has had years to change and shouldn’t get back in contact unless he actually had. (I should add he never actually saw them again as it didn’t get that far)

He’s not going to change. Don’t feel bad for hoping that he would - just chalk it up to experience and never trust or expect anything from him again. Sounds like you’re all better off without him 💐

An old saying... leopard's never change their spots. Your ex has shown his true colours. Time to focus on the children. If he wants to see them he needs to do it properly or not at all. Its not fair to keep messing them around. Hugs to you all x 🫂🙏❣️💐

Thanks, do I ignore him if he messages again?

Well I'd be telling him what a prick he is but I'm sure plenty of people will advise you to be the bigger person.

I'd say fuck that and let him have it.

I just don’t know if I want to look like im bothered by it

That’s enraging @RainbowDropSs What age are your kids? How are they feeling?

they are teens 12 and 14, I told them he had been in contact but they both werent really interested. I didn’t tell my youngest 9.

It's totally natural to be hopeful when he made contact, and disappointed when he hasn't followed through.

You don't say what kind of issues are behind his behaviour - is he just generally unreliable and flaky, is he a drinker, some sort of personality disorder, etc. But people can sometimes overcome things like this and change their behaviour. It's hard, a little rare, and often doesn't come easy. But it can sometimes happen, and some of these problems do improve sometimes with age.

So of course you want to leave room for him to have some kind of relationship with your kids, if they want it, if he is in fact able to effect some kind of change in his life.

In my experience, the best way to deal with people like this is to remain open, but not invested. Keep the lines of communication open, don't be dismissive, but bide your time, see what happens, and protect your kids. If he reaches out and makes contact, think about what would need to be in place before you facilitated some kind of interaction with your kids. I think your instinct not to tell them much, or anything, without more from your ex, is spot on. This might mean you need to be hearing from him a bit more regularly yourself for a while.

It could be something like - ask him to show you he can stay in touch in a regular way for 6 months before you bring the kinds into things. Maybe suggest he start off by sending them a note or card with a birthday or Christmas gift, Whatever you decide, make it clear to him what the parameters are and that in the end it will be up to the kids if they want to see him, and that they have been hurt and may well decide not to. Sustained low level contact through things like cards and such might leave more possibility of an eventual meet, but it isn't a sure thing.

It's difficult not to get frustrated but I think the key is to remain aloof, no expectations but happy if he turns things around.

FWIW the letter you describe doesn't sound like the letter of someone who is managing to get his life in order. It sounds like someone who is still on the roller coaster, whatever that is.

No drinks, drugs or personality disorders. Just generally unreliable, he actually told me
he didn’t want to be a dad and to never contact him again and he takes no responsibility for the children and wants nothing to do with them. He said he didn’t mean any of it in the email and apologised for the things he had said.

There was a lot more that happened but just summarising. He was never consistent when we split up and would just disappear every now and again. Until eventually he said he didn’t want to be a dad and didnt want to be around so not to contact him.’

I don’t understand men like that. I’m sorry this happened to you and your kids. You shouldn’t feel bad for having a bit of hope that he might not be a total deadbeat. I’d have probably done the same. Have you never made a CMS claim? I’d do that first off. Why should he get away with not contributing financially in the very least?

He sounds bloody awful and it sounds like your kids know it.

Id block him.

But definitely get him financially, if you can.

We are with cms but he has to pay £28 a month. He is earning on the side which he doesn’t declare he knows I know this which is why he felt guilty and claimed he always wanted to pay but he hasn’t and has always told me he shouldn’t have to pay money for them.

If he contacts again I would just say he had his chance and he blew it. The DC are old enough to decide for themselves, so if they aren't bothered, I would refuse to respond any more or block him.
You don't need this is your life.

The positive thing is you can categorically tell your children that you did absolutely everything to facilitate a relationship with their dad. They will never have to wonder if you did enough or if he would have stepped up if just given the chance.

he can never tell them that you acted as gate keeper and prevented him seeing them.

well done for holding on to hope for them, and being an optimistic person who is willing to give people a second chance. You are a good person and they will appreciate how much you tried.

Thanks for the nice comments, although they weren’t bothered I know my 12 year old feels sad he doesn’t have a dad. He often mentions wanting a better father, he said even one that would just play roblox with him, truth is he wouldn’t even stick to that. 🤦‍♀️