AIBU to move away despite my mum’s attachment to the children?

[Dilemmajenna]

DH and I are considering moving 2 hours away to another county with our 2 dc. My husband has a rural childhood and wants the same for ours, we live in a very expensive SE county and it would be virtually impossible for us to buy a house for our needs here.

Here comes my AIBU - my dad has passed away, leaving my mum. She has a huge support network but is very attached to our eldest child. She is quite controlling and expects me to be around for her every need despite having a very large friend base and I know she will make me feel guilty for “taking her grandchildren away”. Just to add she doesn’t provide any care for the children, isn’t disabled and in reasonable health, nor is she very advanced in age (sorry to be vague but trying to remain anonymous)

YABU - stay, for your mums sake
YANBU - go, you need to do what’s best for the children

An old person shouldn't be guilt tripping the young family just to benefit herself. It sounds as though she has a healthy friendship circle so she's not going to be lonely or on her own when you've moved. I hope you choose a house big enough for her to come and stay sometimes?

Don’t put your life on hold for her. It’s a slippy slope and before you know it the children themselves have grown you’ve not done what you wanted they leave your mum now needs care help so you still feel you can never leave.

On the other hand if she and you wanted could she move with you? On the understanding she is expected to build a life there and not just rely on you.

Thank you, yes we’d be able to afford a 4 bedroom house there so we would make sure we had a sofa bed or similar for her to stay, we’d offer the option of us coming to her once a month and her coming to us once a month so she would see us/the children twice a month.

We have suggested this in the past but she has refused and said she wants to stay put but in the same breath says she doesn’t want us to take the children away which is my dilemma. I’ve spent my life being expected to just do as she asks and DH is understandably getting a bit frustrated that it’s stopping us from improving our lifestyle

Leave live your life. Before it’s gone.

You’ve said you will have space for her to visit and you can always bust her as well.

She might miss you and be sad but she should also want you to be happy, rather than being the spanner in your marriage.

Go spread your wings.

Move. Don’t put your life on hold. A loving parent wouldn’t hold you back.

Do NOT tie yourself to this arrangement of seeing her every 2 weeks! Before you know it, your DC will be wanting to be out with their mates or in bed most of the day. If you then try and deviate from the pattern it will be "but you said every 2 weeks! You promised!".

I would also want to put some distance between a grandparent that is openly more attached to one child only.

@Dilemmajenna
I wouldn't offer going to her once a month. You are going to change your lives. You don't know what your schedule will be. Don't commit.
You do need to tell her you are looking to move for the betterment of your children and that you have thought about it, wanted to do it and have put it off for a very long time, but are finally doing it and are excited about it.
She can vent her anger, hurt and fears, and just tell her: I know it will be an adjustment, but the kids and our gamily unit come first. Repeat it.

I would break my Mothers heart if I suggested moving two hours away taking her DGC away from her. BUT she is essentially the third parent, full time Grandmother when they’re not in school or nursery and we’re working, won’t hear of us getting a babysitter, etc. she’d do anything for them (and us).
I was ready to say YABU because of that but the way you’ve phrased your circumstances I think perhaps we don’t have the same relationship. You can’t be held back. Do what’s best for you and your family.