To be fed up of people not making eye contact with me. . .

[drippingyethappy]

It occurs most of the time. Whenever Im with a group of people, the eye contact is made with all the others but not me. It happens at work, in the street, with shop keepers, colleagues, friends even.

Are they... non-plussed, think I'm strange, have a resting bitchy face, unimportant, too pretty, not clever, not sure of me, don't look right, don't trust me...

It's not just in groups, people seem to not take a liking to me right away. It takes much effort from me before people 'take to me' by which time either one of us has moved on (location, job, stage in life).

Do you have any ideas?

I put YANBU because you perceive what you perceive, but I suspect that in fact you are not being treated differently from other people? I often used to feel the same, with the benefit of mature hindsight it was because I am quieter, more reserved and if we are quite honest probably less fun than some people! What I found was that longer term I would build and often keep the relationships where others didn’t.
Don’t worry OP - you’re doing fine and will find your people.

How do you know they think you’re strange, not pretty enough, unimportant, not clever etc?

I might suggest that if you’re busy checking that everyone’s getting eye contact apart from you, and erecting this tissue of suppositions on top of it, you may be coming across as self-absorbed and/or hostile, which isn’t going to endear you to anyone at first sight.

Gosh - nailed it on one! Yup, I feel like Im being treated differently but perhaps others around me are ... more chatty and vocal!

It's all to do with building up relationships right? Often people confide in me because they view me as the person who won't snitch to others (which wont happen). However I know you and me are more fun than some people, only in our private lives.

Have you become used to it?

Do you talk much? Eye contact usually happens most when you’re talking. If you’re a quiet person that might be why you’re not getting much.

If eye contact has become a ‘thing’ in your mind - could you be staring at people? People can tell if you’re looking at them in their peripheral vision. And if it feels like you are trying to get eye contact that can be quite intense and off-putting and lead people to avoid it.

Hi, my eyes dont dart around during group chats, I listen to the speaker, dont interrupt or look at anyone else. So, Im not busy checking out everyone's getting eye contact apart from me. It's not at the first sight, I wrote about most of my life.

Eye contact is a weird thing, I really don’t like it but I know you’re supposed to do it so I used to TRY but then sometimes it came across as too intense. Once you start thinking about it, it’s impossible to unthink about it and it becomes unnatural. I look at people’s noses now, unless they have a big nose, in which case I look between their eyebrows.

This reply has made me take a look at myself. Thank you.

I know not to glare anymore (I did in the past). A scenario is that a person is talking, all the group are looking at that person and they make eye contact with all of the group other than me.

It's so odd because that very same person will tell me personal things, touch me affectionately, be very kind when it is just the 2 of us. That's what throws me off.

I read something like this a while ago... look between the eyes, not into the eyes.

What are you doing while they’re talking? If they’re telling a story, are you smiling or nodding or laughing/reacting to it at all? Perhaps the other people are which is why they’re making eye contact with them - they are getting positive feedback from the others but not from you.

I do react perhaps too much. I laugh, smile and nod - some people may find me OTT perhaps? Im not one of those people who are animated and bubbly. But I do find many people interesting and smile when it comes naturally to me, which is more than most of the people around me.

So I may come across as slightly annoying?

I honestly perceive the exact same thing about myself. I hate eye contact to be honest. Feel awkward but try because I know you’re supposed to! If there’s one person leading the conversation and there’s more than me listening people definitely make more eye contact with the others. I am just useless socially though and like pp said less fun than others so I just think these days people are subconsciously demonstrating that they’d prefer to be speaking to the others not me. I’ve given up trying or caring!

Just smile. They will smile back.

We are monkeys.

Good that you no longer care. Wish I was there too.

You probably give off negative vibes. My best mate is like that - always wonders why people don’t take to her. It’s because when she’s insecure, such as meeting new people, she acts really full of herself as a defence mechanism.

But you're clearly hyper-focused on the effect you're having on people, which will make you come across as self-absorbed and lacking in interest in others, even if that's not the case. But while you're thinking 'Am I the only one not getting eye contact? Am I laughing and smiling too much while X is talking? Am I doing too much eye contact?', you're focused on you. Ultimately, it doesn't make any difference to other people whether you're self-absorbed because you're self-conscious about doing the wrong thing or self-absorbed because you think you're marvellous and regard other people's conversation as just a prompt for your own stories -- it's just clear you're thinking about something else, not listening to them.

People dislike me on sight. It’s a shame because I’m empathetic, kind, ethical, funny and supportive. But I come over as stuck up. I’m not. Whatcha gonna do?

What’s your eye contact like? Are you too intense - not looking away, looking intently at the speaker? that can be super off putting to others.

relax and just try to join in

Are you perhaps staring too intently checking they are making eye contact? That can be quite unnerving.

I feel this exact same way and it is starting to get to me. I do worry what others think of me and what they must see during a conversation.
i worry that i appear to frown, and look pissed off all the time, or looking too intensely and it might come across as "creepy"

i think i suffer with social anxiety and its not something i see changing. My mind races 100mph during chat and iv naturally become introverted. I have naturally large eyes too and always feel like they widen which makes me look startled. Its awful!