Posting for traffic sorry
I had an EMDR session yesterday to tackle an event in my adult life which is making me feel horrendously guilty and full of regret even though I’ve been told by countless medical professionals it wasn’t my fault. Sorry I know that’s vague.
Anyway through my therapy it’s become apparent that I have a deep rooted issue with blaming myself for everything, I say sorry all the time, I have “responsibility ocd” where I make myself responsible for a lot of things that are outside of my control and then blame myself constantly for things if they don’t go to plan. We’re working on getting to the root of this and where it’s come from.
I know that I felt very responsible for my mum growing up. She was a complex character who suffered with depression and was very child like. We had a few traumatic events as a family and I think it just totally messed up our parent-child balance.
yesterday my therapist was asking if I could pin point an event where I felt responsible for something as a child and felt I was to blame. I drew a blank. Memory loss around my childhood is something I struggle with I don’t know why, my sister remembers a lot more than I do. I’ve always put it down to me having ADHD.
Last night though a memory popped up. I’ve always known this happened it wasn’t like a hidden memory that I’d somehow remembered but now im
wondering if this is where my responsibility and blame ocd may stem from.
I remembered being a child around 6 or 7 years old, i may have been younger or older though I can’t be sure. I went downstairs one night because I couldn’t sleep and walked into the lounge and my mum was kissing a man who wasn’t my dad on the sofa. My dad worked nights. I don’t know what happened then I think I was told I hadn’t seen what I thought id seen and put back to bed.
I can’t remember how much time passed but eventually one day my mum and dad both sat me down and explained that mum was sorry shed lied about it and that I had seen what I thought I’d seen but that everything was ok it was just a mistake because my dad was working nights too much and my mum felt neglected. I kind of accepted it and never thought of it again. (I don’t think, but maybe it was always in the back of my mind?!).
Anyway I’m late 30s now. My mum sadly took her own life a few years ago. Her and my dad were still together but our relationship had been rocky.
I guess my question is - anyone with emdr experience do you think this could be an event which triggered my guilt/responsibility issues?
Obviously I’ll also discuss with therapist but we’ve got two weeks break now.
Thanks for reading all that