It’s a child maintenance one..

[CM68]

DS is 12. EXH has never wanted to pay maintenance, so I went to the CMS and set up direct pay, he still didn’t pay it, so I applied for collect and pay where they take it from his wages (and they still haven’t been able to take it consistently).

Anyway he’s recently split with his wife, needs all the money he can get and asked if we could go back to direct pay, which would also give me more maintenance for our son. He’s never paid anything extra, uniform, trips etc and it’s not amicable between us but I’ve always tried for the sake of our son, therefore I’ve agreed and changed it online. CMS have told him he should pay £393 per month, to which he says he cannot afford now he’s separating, so we’ve agreed on £300. He then said yesterday he’s put a claim in for child benefit, which I already get as our son lives with me, he visits EXH every over weekend and a Wednesday, so that’s turned into an argument and now he says he’s not paying any maintenance at all, called me a money grabber and wants to know why doesn’t he get maintenance or child benefit?

Online it says I need to wait for 3 months of missed payments before I can apply for collect and pay again. Any suggestions please?

Sorry no advice but what an absolute wanker

I’m sorry, but you’re just going to have to wait the three months, expect to get nothing over that time and revert to collect and pay.

This man has shown you repeatedly who he is, please believe him. He is the type of man who will not financially provide for his child unless forced to by the CMS and his employer.

Go back to C&P and NEVER agree to anything else.

Seems like a ploy, he knows full well he's not entitled to the child benefit if he mainly lived with you, seems he wanted a argument as a excuse to not pay anything now for the next 3 months, and tbh child maintenance are absolutely rubbish in my experience, so likely longer, never do him favours again, it's disgusting really when you think about it as it's there child too!

No advice per se other thank you’ll have to wait and as a pp above said don’t ever agree to anything else.

I have had to go to CMS after father of my two DC stopped making payments of £500 which was an outdated calculation yet I accepted it… he has decided he doesn’t fancy working at the moment now he has a new baby and so as he’s now claiming UC I get a flat fee of £7 per week.

The benefits system means he can shirk all maintenance responsibilities for his older children while he gets his rent paid and a bit of pocket money.

I digress - I also had to wait 3 months for my poxy £7 a week. It’s shit.

Its a terrible system but our only hope of getting any money at all out of these men who have financially abdicated.

Anyway he’s recently split with his wife, needs all the money he can get

So which of his own bills has he stopped paying to facilitate that? I presume he doesn't have a phone, or a car, or TV, skips as many meals as he can possibly get away with and sits at home with the lights off every evening?

Or is it only his child who has to make all of the sacrifices for him, and not himself? Is he really such an amazing, proud, dignified man that HE is effectively making a child pay maintenance for him? Disgusting failure of a human being.

wants to know why doesn’t he get maintenance or child benefit

Because he is not a child - although he firmly likes to act like one.

And he also doesn't receive it on behalf of an actual child as he isn't in a position of responsibility to have to provide all of a child's regular basic needs. Hope that helps him to understand a bit better. We can start on him learning his colours and alphabet at the next session.

He sounds awful OP, don’t have any extra advice to add, but I’m sorry you have to deal with this cock womble, and your kid deserves better.

makes me realise what a rare and brilliant man my DH is to pay his ex the full amount of maintenance plus several hundred extra per month, plus pays extra half for uniforms, trips etc, and kids are with us 40% (some weeks more like 50-60%) anyway, plus agreed to put ex wife’s mortgage in his name as she wanted a more expensive house than the mortgage company would lend her for. There are good separated dads out there! So many women have to put up with so much shit from rubbish men!!!

Report every missed payment and make sure you keep the child benefit what a fucking wanker spiting his own child

OP, my advice is absolutely to return to Collect & Pay. A direct pay agreement with a financially abusive or unreliable ex partner leave you vulnerable to him exploiting the situation.

Once you are back on Collect & Pay, yes you will receive a little less due to the admin fees.

I would also revert back the original amount of £395 he has to pay with the CMS.

Collect and Pay unfortunately doesn’t always work. An ex partner can still refuse to pay or only pay a partial amount. The CMS will take a long time to respond ( months sometimes) and chase missed payments up, especially if you have changed the method you are paid a couple times - their administrative process is shambolic in my view.

The next thing to do is report any missed payments each time. Build a case and then request a change to a deduction of earnings order direct from their employer.

Collect and Pay does not automatically means they remove pay from his wages. That is a final process the CMS do as a last resort and it takes up to two months to process.

I now ( finally!) receive my monthly payments on time on approximately the same date each month.

My ex DH owed me £1000s, he is a high earner and simply just would not pay. My payments are all in arrears as my children are now over 18. But finally I got it!

Overall, it took me around 6 months at least to sort out. You must call and chase the CMS regularly to get any progress; they send out standard letters that are often incorrect or refer to a previous agreement.

This has been my experience anyway, so I hope you manage to get it sorted out.

But I would definitely recommend using the CMS for all its faults because you are open every month to any changes that he decides he wants to make as to how pays you.

He isn’t reliable. If he is frequently changing and deciding what he can and can’t pay you, you won’t be able to properly budget.

My ex-husband decided that one month, he just wasn’t going to pay me because he had “other” expenses. So I missed out on a significant amount which affected me financially.

Then he decided how much he was going to pay me.

What you are doing gives your ex partner a position of control. He can dictate to you what he pays you regular income for your family.

I strongly recommend you take back control; revert back to Collect & Pay and pay and go through the system. Stop allowing him to dictate as it sounds as though he’s abusing the system for his own advantage.

Many men are still doing this, but thankfully the CMS will put a deductions of earnings order onto his account once he hasn’t paid for about 3 / 4 months.

I wish you were the very best of luck, OP💐

It was clearly a big mistake letting him pay himself as it was clear he wasn’t going to. He isn’t going to get the child benefit so I certainly wouldn’t worry about it. He is one of these fathers who thinks they are hard done by as they have to contribute to raising a child they had. Pathetic.

You’ll have to wait the 3 months and go back to collect and pay. C&P comes out of their bank account, and so if he isn’t paying this consistently you can ask for a deduction of earnings order, which comes straight from the employer. It will probably take ages to set up but when it does it should come out on time every time (from experience it’s not always on time, but it should be!).
I was always told that after 6 months of payment, he can request himself to go to C&P, and then after 6 months again he can request to go to direct pay. I wasn’t happy about this because CMS gave my bank details to exH without permission, but I just got a weak apology and told tough luck. So he can request to pay directly but it should take him a while of consistent payments, but you should never agree with him to go for DP if you can help it. He sounds like a wanker.

Not the point of the thread I realise, but did you really mean he's on the mortgage, ie liable for the payments and risking his credit score if his ex decides not to pay, because she wanted a bigger house than she could afford??

Yes… and trust me it was a great source of debate in our marriage for a long time…!

Thats wild - has he come off it now?

No he hasn’t, and it’s had a big impact on us as it has affected the amount of mortgage we can get jointly…and had stamp duty implications

Well obviously he can’t claim child benefit as he isn’t the resident parent, he doesn’t even have your DS 50:50. You shouldn’t have agreed to go back to direct pay.

I would call CMS because they put my ex on collect and pay after one missed payment

Do you have a CAO in place? This will show the residence arrangement.

Is he planning on coming off at any point? Sorry, im just a bit stunned for you - i wonder if it would impact a divorce settlement if you broke up at all.

We should get the american system.

Not only would direct from wages be mandatory if a man has missed payments, if hes not earning (or claiming not to) balifs will go round and take his gear/ car and sell it to pay the money.

Because the childs still gotta eat even if the father doesnt want to fund it. Let these wasters take the bus.

What an absolute low life he is. Trying everything possible to deprive his son of the smallest financial support. In your shoes I would cut him zero slack.

Sorry it’s the first chance I’ve had to jump back in. Thank you all so much for your replies, I really appreciate it. At least I’ve got a plan going forward now x

If you haven’t already done this ring child benefit and make it very clear to them what’s happening and that your child lives with you but your ex is a money grabbing t so has claimed CB on his behalf. Make it clear what the actual situation is to them

Sorry but he sounds like a mug

Great in hindsight but now you know that you can't trust him regarding maintenance. Should never have agreed to it being voluntary. Unfortunately now you have to start again . Never listen to his excuses again .