AIBU to feel left behind as old friendships drift apart?

[Freshtona]

Dont really have many friends, never have but most of the time I just crack on with life and dont think about it much. Then something happens that makes me feel like a complete failure.

A couple of old uni friends met up without me this past weekend. We usually all used to meet in big group but lives have diverged in recent years. I have young kids and live up north. They live in London and don't have kids (or want them) so it was childfree people meeting.

It wasn't a big secret, they shared pic in WhatsApp group and said well all have to meet together soon which might be nice but I do wonder if our lives have diverged now to the point of no return.

With young kids, the more obvious choice is mum friends but I find most mums are so busy with work/ kids activities that it's hard to establish something and its all just about kids anyway. Or sometimes it's mums I just can't even relate to so I can't be bothered to force it.

It's my 40th next year and some family members have asked me what I'll do but I can't see me doing much. Maybe a meal with DH and kids but there wouldn't be hardly anyone to invite for a party or bigger celebration.

I hate feeling sorry for myself but I feel like I've failed at friendship. It's always been a tough one and I admit im not great at keeping in touch or seeing best in people so it's probably my fault. So many friends have just come and gone, only there due to circumstance (eh uni, work, same city) then things just evaporate into nothing.

Not sure what I want from this thread, maybe just reassurance that I'm not the only one as right now I do feel unreasonable for being crap at friendship.

The uni friends meeting up without me just feels like another friendship that's run it's course like so many others from 20s or 30s except I've not made more to replace them with all the work and family stuff going on

I’m the same. I am socially awkward & struggle to make small talk. I have no close friends & most of the time I’m fine with that but then I see a friend who has all these other friends or ex colleagues who meet up & feel a bit crap!
no advice op but you are not alone!

At least it's not just me! I never thought I was socially awkward, I work in sales and used to small talk but I must be missing something as others seem to make proper established friendships easily

I think the nature of friendships is that they do come and go. I have one or two "old" friends but most others have changed depending on where you are in life. Lots of my "mum" friends have drifted apart now that we dont have the school gates to bind us; uni friends have all gone in different directions; work friends come and go with different jobs/ careers. I think if your friends live in the same city and dont have kids it's inevitable that they will meet up more. I also think loneliness is becoming more of an issue as society and communities fracture; it's a symptom of late-stage capitalism, in my view.
What are you passionate about? Could you join a group so that you will be with people with whom you share a common interest. I do think it's a common problem problem though. You only have to look at the amount of threads on here to see that. It's hard.

Well it’s never too late to make new friends if that’s what you really want! I say that as someone single, no children, work from home, deleted instagram and a history of bad social anxiety. I’ve still been able to make friends from scratch when moving to a new city as an adult.

It’s easier to make friends when you already have good friends in the first place (like a snowball effect), but still not impossible if you don’t

Just wondering but are you sure you really want more friends (willing to put the effort in) or is it more that you think you should have more e.g., social pressure / feeling like you don’t have enough people to invite for milestones like your birthday.

From my experience of making friends it was a lot of trial and error to find my tribe but soo worth it when I did. I met some people who claimed they wanted friends but in my opinion were really looking for superficial ‘instagram’ friends so they felt less lonely on special occasions

“Everyone wants a village but no one wants to be a villager”
I’m not blaming people like that either, I get that modern life is busier especially if you have children. It’s never too late to make friends thoufh

Yes I think it's common in today's society. I've really felt it since COVID, that whole era seemed to kill off some of my good friendships from 2010s and I don't feel like anything been same since. I also moved to much quieter and rural part of country in 2021 after living in Leeds which doesn't help.

I do go to a fitness class twice a week and have got chatty with some ladies there, much older than me but very friendly and we enjoy the activity together

You've hit nail on head. Tbh I'm OK with minimal friends most of time as my life is quite full on with busy job and young kids and i probably can't make tons of effort.

But when I think about milestone birthday etc, I feel bad like I should have more people around me. So I think it is more that comparison and expectation.

But you say yourself that you haven’t put much effort into making new friends?

As previous posters have said, I think it is in the nature of friendships to come and go. I have 2 observations to make though. Firstly, don't give up on your uni friends. I was in a similar position when I came home from uni and my friends from home all seemed to have moved on with their lives and left me behind. I walked away and left them to it and I really regret that. I wish I had kept the lines of communication open, we might have maintained some of our friendship. Secondly, just as friendships wane, they suddenly spring up again without any warning. I lost touch with one of my best friends from school over 40 years ago. We came across each other on a local Facebook page about 4 years ago, met up and haven't looked back. If you value the friendship and want it to continue be proactive, don't wait for someone else to arrange meeting up, organise something and tell them why - that you haven't seen them for a while and you'd like to see them.

You seem to be writing off the Uni friendships for no clear reason. Your lives have perhaps diverged but that doesn’t mean you can’t stay in touch and meet up from time to time. The real issue seems to be that you haven’t made friends where you live now but that’s doable at any time, but does take real effort, and you have to be prepared for the occasional rejection.

I contacted an old work friend a couple of years ago who I hadn’t seen for at least a decade. We now meet up relatively regularly. Don’t take natural drift as some sort of slight and if you don’t want to drift, do something about it.

Friendships do require effort, and you seem all too ready to write off friends who haven’t done anything wrong. You say you’re not very good at communication but you can change that - reach out to your old friends, suggest meeting up all together (even if that means agreeing a date that is months away). Send them a nice message on their birthdays, ask for recommendations/advice, comment on their holiday pics, ask after their families, etc. Be proactive and you’ll usually get back what you put it.

Friendships do require effort on both sides, it’s too easy to lose contact esp when living far away.

I have a decent amount of friends, mainly from my teens (not school, an activity), haven’t kept up any uni friendships - except on FB - past my 30s, kids have all left education now but I’ve kept a few mum friends although at the time of primary there were a lot of 40th etc. Got a few friends I’ve made from recent workplaces and a couple from school (I’m in my 50s).
I do put a lot of effort in as I don’t really have family - most have died off/distant or don’t live close. I can see that people I know with big families and f/t jobs are extremely busy and always hard to pin down.

I would def try and arrange that reunion, try and make an effort with the mums - some want friendship, some don’t.its sort of obvious (the ones who invite you in for coffee holiday pick up etc). I was lucky and clicked with a few mums at Reception age so once we/they went back to work the friendship was there (many have drifted post covid but I take some of the blame of that).

I disagree that this means that Friendships have run their course...they live in London you live up north. Its nothing to do with life stages, being a mum etc, or drifting. It's geography! It's possible to keep these friendships going, if you make the effort. Stick a date in the diary for a day / weekend in London now. Have a video call every few months with wine if you can't make it in person for a while.

Yes you're right, I haven't made enough effort over the years and I've written people off too easily