Have you ever regretted an in-law estrangement?

[lionandme]

I was very young when I met my Dh but I knew what I wanted in life, I wanted to move away to the coast and I made it clear to Dh that I wasn’t looking for a relationship as I was moving away but we soon fell in love and he said if I was leaving he would come with me, that was fine until we moved and his shocked family made him feel guilty and he decide to go home to his devastated mum.
We stayed together but talked about how we should have stayed and he moved back with me but I was so insecure at the time I just thought as soon as his family talked him into going home he would go.
His mum and sister kept trying to get him to move back and I was afraid of their influence so I stupidly made an ultimatum and he chose me and cut his entire family off.

I was happy for a while but 15 years on and 3 kids later I feel nothing but guilt that I had those insecurities.

I have changed a lot as I’ve grown and really don’t think that was the only way but I know I can’t change the past and I’ve built a self fulfilling prophecy because they definitely hate me now and if they saw him again would try to influence him against our marriage because they are no contact because of being with me.

HavIng said that I know they hate me so much now that it’s better for me that I’m no contact so I silently live with the guilt but I don’t have the insecurity I had 20 years ago and really do wish things had been different.
Aibu

Has he had no contact with any of his family at all in the last 15 years? I’m assuming your DC haven’t met them.
If your DH regrets it he could get in touch, they don’t have to have a relationship with you if that’s not what any of you want but I do think the ultimatum was a bit unfair.
Have you spoken to him about it? What does he think?

I’ve been no contact with my late husband’s family, (brothers) for nearly 2 years. I do feel some guilt as, if they had been more respectful of me, they could have been a wonderful link for my children. I don’t regret protecting my own mental health. Their treatment of me was an attempt at being controlling to the point of abuse, all dressed up as concern.

Choosing you didn't mean he had to cut his family off. That's on him.

Although you gave the ultimatum he picked what he picked.

You told him from the very very start you didn’t want a relationship because you were moving. He moved then left then came back.

Has this topic not come up at all in the last 15 years?

In estranged with some of my own family 10 plus years. My own choice but I don’t regret it because I see their bad behaviour.

Your in laws were awful to make him feel guilty, their job is to support his decisions. Equally you were wrong to give him and ultimatum unless it had been thoroughly discussed and he was wrong to cut them off
So tbh you all sound pretty odd

Was him moving away but not cutting them off an option?

My brother at 18 was put in a similar situation by his then girlfriend. No contact for years, until one day his now wife encouraged him to contact us, his parents and siblings. That was 20 years ago, the relationship never recovered, too much hurt and resentment. It’s just sad.

I cut my mil and her partner off after 20 years of micro aggressions and passive agressive nastiness from them.

While I don’t care for my MIL’s partner at all, I do care and love my mil deep down and if I’m being honest I do deeply regret it. Life is too short for grudges. She’s the mother of my DH and is a lovely grandmother to my children.

In hindsight I wish I’d stood up to them and called them out on it when they made the nasty comments but I don’t like confrontation and just tolerated it until there were one too many nasty comments and gestures until I snapped and said enough.

My children see my mil and her partner, but I don’t because too much water has gone under the bridge. Sad.

This is why if I see posts on here now I often warn people to think it through properly. I can’t get the years back.

Estranged from my in-laws. I won’t go back now. I’ve earned my peace. Interestingly once they couldn’t get to me they turned on him and now he’s estranged too. I suspect time will heal for him but for me, I’m done.