AIBU to feel irked by my MIL’s message about what she will do when she stays?

[Goatscheese21]

My MIL is coming and whilst I love her and she is super helpful, I don’t think she understands how much our baby has changed since she saw him when he was a newborn.

He’s 4 months now and so we are in more of a routine. He naps every 2 hours / or I just follow his cues and to get him to nap, unless it’s in the car, it’s a combo of rocking and breastfeeding. He does not nap in his cot (only on my chest)… I used to find it exhausting but now I actually love it and realise it won’t last forever.

When we were at my parents, they enjoyed lots of awake time with him but when I could tell he was getting grumpy I took him to a dark room and he had a nap for 45 mins… they were perfectly understanding.

My MIL know from texts that he naps on me as I’ve told her and sent pics but this morning she sent a text to say ‘you just feed him and I will hold him’… I haven’t replied and going to ask my husband to just explain to her when she’s here that it’s quite a routine! Worried she will be upset!

AIBU to just feel a bit irked by that message? No one has ever told me what to do with my baby! But now I look back at when she was here when he was a newborn… she would just hold him when he wasn’t feeding (I mean he www constantly on my boob back then and I was grateful to sleep) but now it’s totally different and I’m not AS sleep deprived.

I’m not even overly protective, I let anyone hold him when he’s awake… I’ve never been ‘ no one kiss him’ but it’s the way she text it that’s made me a bit worried about what the dynamic will be like when she’s here. I know the text will seem mundane to you all on here, but as I know her personally, she is incredibly smothering and smothered my husband all his life (and ultimately he cringes and pulls away from her now)… until we had our baby she would cling on to his neck and say ‘you don’t love mummy anymore’ if we visited her on a Sunday and if my husband hadn’t text her in a while… she is a bit cuckoo and so I KNOW that text isn’t really a joke. She also used to text my husband last year asking if she could ‘have a sleepover at mummy’s’ for Mother’s Day… so for context this is the type of MIL I deal with. Don’t get me wrong, she’s harmless but I feel like I need to set a boundary with my own son!

I think ignore her message and when she comes to stay (for how long?) you just carry on with your routine. If she moans, you tell her this is how it is and carry on. Just don't allow her to disrupt. this is your baby, not hers. She doesn't get to tell you what to do with YOUR baby!

I know!! I am shocked it’s upset me more then it should because I am relaxed but it’s just the sending texts telling me she’s going to hold him every second… I know she loves him but I will do the soothing to sleep because it just works.

They are staying for a week

'She also used to text my husband last year asking if she could ‘have a sleepover at mummy’s’ for Mother’s Day… so for context this is the type of MIL I deal with.'

Honestly, that sounds so creepy and massively inappropriate. You need to put your foot down about her telling you that she will take your son off you once you have fed him. It will upset your baby and disrupt your routine.

You need to make sure that your DH will back you up if his mum gets angry or upset with you. If he can't do this, don't let the visit go ahead.

A week?! Holy shit, I'd actually die if my mother or mil was staying for a week. Do they live serious hours away? For next time, say that you can't do more than 3 days, max. Is your dp taking time off work to host his parents, hopefully and to support you?

I think you are totally overreacting. She is probably trying to give you a break if the baby will sleep on her . Seems a good idea to me (I know you say you love it but I’d hate it). If you don’t want to then don’t give her the baby! Simple as.

I think you’re in danger of turning her visit into a power struggle. It’ll soon become apparent if he won’t settle for her, at which point you scoop him up and do whatever usually works. I’d ignore the text message and just not get into it with her. While she may be the smothering type, she raised your DH to adulthood and presumably he’s a decent human being, so she’s not going to do your baby any harm.

Does it matter if she tries to soothe him to sleep?

Some dc are very flexible you know !
Ime appreciate she wants to know amd love your dc..
My mil dumped us all when ds was 3 months old having seen him twice..

lol, I know! I wish I was exaggerating but I’m not. Before he introduced us years ago he really did say ‘she is crazy’ but you just think it’s a cliche… but she really is! But then I feel bad about it because she is genuinely very loving and helpful but WAY too overbearing. My husband knows it - he told me to not set a precedent by replying to her texts years ago but of course I wanted to look like a good girlfriend so I replied and now we are stuck in a looo where I am the only responder on the group chat 😆… she’s just smothered him all his life and so he’s checked out but of course if I don’t reply she panics!

DH will absolutely back me up and will speak to her gently about it so it’s not coming from me!

Oh of course! I’m very happy for her to try and will scoop him if it doesn’t work but I envisage her getting upset about it - illl just have to say he will get overtired and it’ll become harder to settle him etc… all of which js true! I did that with my own mother a couple weeks ago

I agree. MIL is just thinking of helpful ideas for you to have a rest. A lot of Mums actually enjoy the luxury of having their arms back for a while.

haha I know! we live 5 hours away so I thought a few days was a bit mean! But she still doesn’t think a week is enough which is why she’s saying she wants to hold him every second but I did put a limit on a week because it’s a lot for anyone to stay longer than a week let alone family!

What @jellycats said. Let her try and hold him if she wants. She will soon hand him over if he's screaming, and lovely as snuggle time is for you, it's only for a week . . . For her, the memories will last for ages.

At least you know she's bonkers, so know when to step in, and be sensible, and when to let it go. And your dh has got your back, which is great.

Ignore the text, save your head from stress until she arrives, then you will be more relaxed to deal with her.

(As a parent of two adult boys I would absolutely love it if they came to stay for mother's Day weekend, with or without their wives. But I would never tell them that/put them under pressure.)

Her reaction is her responsibility though, if she’s upset so be it, she can choose a different response. If she’s upset chooses to be upset let her get on with it - it’s not your job to keep her happy.

Life becomes much simpler when you accept that you can’t do anything about how someone reacts to your reasonable behaviour.

I think if your dh doesn't respond to the group chat, you shouldn't push the relationship by always responding. Let your dh set the pace. If he doesn't want to answer, don't do it yourself. Stop the wife work!

My mother is like this.

From experience, you have 2 options: 1) you upset MIL or 2) you upset your baby.

Holding firm boundaries from the minute she walks in will be easier than glossing over issues that then become huge and you end up in a big argument. Be very very firm from the start. If she doesn't like it, she can go home.

I would be brisk and smiley and completely rock solid about boundaries

I have found that with a smile and a pleasant (but firm) tone you can get away with anything.

It is your house and your child so you are in charge, she’ll have to fall in line.

These sort of posts being back memories... And not in a good way.

I hadn't even made an nursery as I wanted people to stay (including my family) so baby was in main bedroom etc

After one horror visit ... I pulled apart the spare room and it became a nursery within a week. They could no longer stay.

My family lived too far away to be regulars anywa.

Sounds like you're gonna have to parent her too! You set the agenda, so it's clear that this is what is happening and this is how we do X, delivered in a calm but firm voice.

And as with a toddler you can add in some limited choices - for example:

"DS sleeps on me now when he's finished feeding, it's a new routine we've got into and it suits us both, so we don't want to disrupt that. But I'd love it if you could be around to chat to / help me get comfortable / get me a cup of tea while he sleeps."

So you keep the peace while asserting that this is your domain and your rules.

Good luck! I do know that type of older lady. Does she suddenly grip your hand with unexpected strength? I'm sure I'll be doing it one day😄