Teen son and dh

[sunnydeee]

Ds is 14. Been with Dh since he was 5 and they have always had a good relationship. Dh has supported us financially, helped out with general parenting stuff like lifts and childcare but has always been respectful of ds relationship with his dad. I know MN generally looks down on blended families but it has worked well for us. Dh had no other kids but we now have a pre schooler together.

Ds is at that age where he can occasionally be rude, entitled and full of attitude. I will pull him up on it but Dh really finds it hard to stomach. We have had a few major rows between them in the past but over the last year or so it’s calmed down, mainly because ds has sorted himself out and is generally well behaved and reasonably polite. Yes he can be a bit lazy and anti social but nothing I would say is out of the ordinary for a teenage boy.

This last week has been tough, possibly because it’s end of term and he’s knackered but the attitude has been creeping back in again. Muttering under his breath, foul moods, being a bit demanding. Tonight he asked for something and because I said he’d have to wait until the weekend before I could go the shops he started being a bit rude and attitudey. I nipped it in the bud but I could see Dh prickling. It makes me anxious because I really hate having to mediate rows between them and it can get unpleasant when you have a grown man and a young man arguing with each other. I know this butting of heads can occur with bio sons and fathers too.

Does anyone else have this between their sons and their stepdads? How do you deal with it? Nothing of note has really happened recently I just want some tips on de-escalating things before they begin.

I don't have stepdad experience but I think the best approach is to remind your DH that he's the adult. He doesn't need to get into a pissing up the wall contest with a kid and you don't need him to step in if your son is a bit arsey. Let him know that feeling you have to mediate between them is stressful and actually distracts from you holding boundaries with your DS.

Not step sons, but birth sons in our case. I dealt with it by letting both of ours know at that age that some of their behaviour was not acceptable, and muttering unpleasant comments is included in the list. We were probably on the stricter side of parenting but as far as I’m concerned it has paid off.

Remind DH that this is normal teen behaviour, especially for boys. Stay calm but firm, and don’t assume that it’s a particular consequence of step- parenting because it isn’t. I said the same to friends of ours who are adoptive parents. I know hardly any parents of teen boys who have not had to deal with attitude fuelled by testosterone. DS1 when14/15 squared up to me once. He is - and long bed. - a lovely young man (now 26). When 18/19 he already asked if it was ok for his GF to come over. He was entirely respectful through uni. But 14/15 was a different matter at times.

There’s definitely a lot of testosterone and alpha male bollocks going on. Dh is old school in his parenting approach and thinks any sort of back chat or attitude is unacceptable. I am more forgiving because I can empathise with what teens go through with their hormones and it will always be in my nature to want to defend my ds. Having said that he does need boundaries. I just don’t want it to get into heated arguments - it has happened before in the past where one badly timed rude comment from ds has resulted in a huge row that left us all not speaking for days. I don’t want that and need cooperation from them both.

You shouldn't have to mediate.

Your DH should know (and, if he doesn't he should find out pronto) the challenges teenagers present and how best to deal with it. You placing yourself in the middle and trying to smooth things over before he gets upset suggests you don't trust him to act appropriately. This is his responsibility to fix, not yours and not your DS's.

Honestly I don't know how anyone would survive teenagers if they don't love the shit out of them, good luck to him and any other step parents out there!

He sounds like a PITA tbh - it doesn't matter how 'old school' he is, it isn't his place to push his outdated views on your DS.

You don't need cooperation from them both and you're being unfair to your DS who is behaving like a regular teen. You need to tell your DH to stop being a prat.

Does your son really like having your 'alpha male old school' man in his home?

Tell the adult to stop it and that you will be prioritising your son.

There is no way that a response like that from your DH is necessary or helpful. You need to stay calm and firm with teens. I have given both of mine a bollocking at times, but in a firm ‘don’t mess with us’ tone, not an aggressive, screaming manner.

He needs to think carefully about how he’s behaving under what is pretty standard, if not ideal, teen attitude. The attitude does pass - but it is entirely possible that relationships won’t recover if your DH does not respond better.

I think you are already doing the right thing in trying to mediate/avoid the worst of it etc.

But I also wouldn't stress about it too much, as long as it doesn't get out of hand and abusive/dangerous, I personally don't think that it is a big problem having a son butt heads with his dad.

In fact, I would say it is very natural - its the way that men have grown up throughout history - when they are becoming a man, they will start to push boundaries and push the dominance of their father/older men. And older men will resist and push back. It the start of a long process of shifting power from older males to younger males, and to be honest, while different men do it in different ways, there needs to be some (metaphorical) pushing back and forth for them to each earn the respect and establish their relationship.

It isn't at all a bad thing for a teenage boy to have a dad who is a bit tough on them at times

(Again as long as it doesn't go too far, to the point where it is abusive or completely disrupting family life, or causing permanent relationship damage)

I think it's a conversation that you need to have with DH - he is the adult and it's incumbent on him to de-escalate rather than escalate the situation. Dealing with stroppy teens takes patience, calm but firm responses rather than shouting and yelling.

I’ve no idea where this “teenagers are rude, it’s acceptable and normal” comes from. It isn’t and it’s not. If he behaves like that in other areas of his life he will be pulled up on it. And I’m not surprised it irritates your DH. I’d be telling him, very firmly, to pack in the attitude.

Nevermind that the OP did pull him up on it, she said so quite clearly in her first post. But the DH got shitty anyway.

Just come in half arsed and have a go at her, eh?

Not having a go at her in any way. OP is asking for tips to mediate the situation and I am merely stating my opinion. Unlike most pps I do not think that teenagers being rude is something that should be tolerated or a behaviour they should learn to use to get what they want. It helps no one, particularly the teenager involved.

Maybe don't "mediate"? I hate this idea that it's always the job of the nearest woman to manage male emotions. Is that what you want ds to learn?

DH has been supporting and parenting ds for years - he's earnt the authority to put a stop to it if ds is rude. Let him do so, and enjoy the improved behaviour of your child. As pp have said, you don't have to accept rudeness from teens. You can if you want I suppose, but it's dh's house too.

Boys who make trouble at school (and worse) are almost always boys who don't have a father figure at home. Teen boys need a strong male presence in their lives. One day he'll know he was lucky to have one.

What's the alternative? "Yeah, sorry DH, you're just here to pay bills, not to have any actual authority in your own home or to behave like you're really part of the family"? If you accept his help with parenting, you need to accept that sometimes he gets to decide how he's parenting.

This is a helpful post and I do agree with it. Dh shouldn’t just exist to pay bills and do all the family stuff without having an actual say in the family dynamic. And I know that my ds does need pulling up sometimes.

I think the complications arise because there isn’t that natural, biological link between them like there is with me and ds. My instinct is always to protect and defend him. Sometimes Dh has been too heavy handed in the past (not violent obviously but aggressive and loud in his tone) and I don’t like that. Equally I know my ds needs to learn that it’s not ok to be openly rude and disrespectful to us.