AIBU to expect my husband to do more active parenting?

[almost40something]

I am blessed with naturally high level of energy, my son is too, and we do lots of sports/ outings together. My husband is a truly wonderful man, but he is not very good at taking my son out- he prefers reading to him, etc. DH has a hobby that means he is away every Sunday in the summer and at least one evening in the week training. That's all fine by me. BUT- this means he has even less energy to do outoorsy things with DS. For example- he was out all Saturday, then had a good nights sleep, a lie in and watched the Tour de France yesterday morning, me and DS went on a big hike and a paddle in the stream (he's 7), we came home at 3pm. When I then asked my DH lets all go to the playground (bearing in mind he had more than half the day to himself) , he was like "no, I'm too tired". I got really cross and told him that I do about 80% of all activities and he wouldn'teven join in after having half a day to himself! He was totally flabbergasted and couldn't understand why I'm mad?! Is he taking the mick here? I know that I got naturally more energy than him but I am getting resentful now. AIBU to expect him to pick up some active parenting??

He was mad because he’s got used to you doing virtually everything. You are not being unreasonable but perhaps some sensible conversations need to take place so you both agree on how to manage things.

Not everyone is the outdoors type.

What's wrong with reading to him?

If your energy doesn't match each others, that's ok. It doesn't have to.

Wel okay, but he does that maybe 10 minutes a day? My DS is very active, so the whole rest of the stuff- kicking a ball about, going to the forest, etc- falls to me. Same with crafting, my DH doesn't fancy doing it, so it is left to me. I am getting increasinly resentful.

Yup, he's lazy.

Ok but you said you and your son are 'blessed with a naturally high level of energy'.

Since your husband is not, perhaps you can suggest arts & crafts, jigsaws or something else that doesn't require the same high energy level?

Flabbergasted? Lazy git thinks the boy is your responsibility. Not good.

Thank you. Yes, I think a sit down conversation will have to take place.

Unfortunately our son is really not into jigsaws etc. It would be ideal if he was but he is not at all- neither board games etc. He essentially does not like sit down activities.

Your son won't spontaneously combust if he spends a weekend afternoon at home to entertain himself a bit. In fact it's important that children do get time to just be, they don't need every minute of every day outdoors with planned activities.

You're expecting DH to match your energy which isn't fair. I also find it quite difficult to just 'be' at home, and end up doing chores or feeling restless. We manage this by DH staying home and watching sport while DD does her own thing (she is 7) and I'll go and walk the dog or go to the gym

He can play by himself then. Your constant entertainment won't do him any long term favours

Well I wouldn't pander to a child who wants to be taken out all the time and refuses to do indoor activities, especially after he's been out hiking and paddling all day.

There must be something he can do indoors?

Learn an instrument maybe? Build Lego models?

Hmm... interesting. I will tell him he has to play more by himself, in that case.

He used to love Lego but that has lessened so recently....

In that case I think you both need to work on striking a balance and getting him interested in things he can do, that don't always involve going outside.

And I'd say that even if your husband had more energy than a can of Red Bull.

How does your child manage at school, or do you send him to forest school or something?

DS is on waiting list for ADHD assessment. He gets lots of extra movement breaks at school so that helps!

Yes, I agree, I will have to sit down with my DH and properly talk this over. Maybe they could find a hobby they can do together. He does like toolwork (my DS) so maybe little projects like this

Tool works is great and it's a skill that is sadly getting lost as generations go on.

I think the thing that annoys me is that he has the energy (DH that is) to do his hobby etc. but then not have any left when it comes to playing with DS!

Your DH does sound like he’s opting out of parenting, but equally I think your expectations of him being ‘active’ are too high. If you and DS had been out for a long walk and paddle (presumably for hours), surely you’d both need something to eat and a rest when you got home at 3pm? The rest of the afternoon could’ve been spent chilling - you don’t need to rush out again to the park!
But DH should have done something with him, whether that’s just playing in the garden or Lego etc - he hadn’t really spent time with him all weekend so it would’ve been a good opportunity for 1:1 time.

Agree with posters saying your son needs to cope with some indoor time. My eldest was high energy like that but if he'd been out all day I would have expected him to have his needs met and have some home time with toys books and a bit of telly.

BUT your husband sounds very selfish. He's not an outdoor person but it sounds like he's happy to be active when it suits him - a whole day on his hobby plus once a week "training" (sounds sporty). He just doesn't want to unless he can see what's in it for him. His evenings and weekends are for him to enjoy. Meanwhile he expects you to take your joint child out and about as your hobby! I sympathise as my husband was the same at times though my kids are older now.

DH needs to do his fair share of spending time one-to-one with DS, but it is not for you to say how they should spend that time. It is up to DS and DH how they agree to spend their time together.

The only thing I would draw the line at is just watching TV together.
Even computer games are interactive and a source of relationship-building, so not all screentime is bad, but just watching stuff together is not interacting together.

Identify the source of your frustration.
Is it that you are not getting time for yourself?
Is it that you are not getting time together all as a family?
Is it that you want DS to have a certain amount of exercise/activity each day and think it is only fair DH should do half of this?
Is it that you are concerned about DH lack of relationship with his son?

The solution will depend on what the actual problem is.

So, if op didn't fancy taking her ds out for exercise that's ok? Or is it only men who are allowed to opt out of the bits of parenting they don't fancy?

For me, I couldn't give a shiny shite if her husband "isn't outdoorsy". I never especially enjoyed taking my dc out to playgrounds or parties or whatever, but I knew it was in their best interests so I did it anyway.

He sounds lazy and like a not great dad or husband.

What's his work schedule like? Is that tiring him out? Has he always been like this?

You need to explain;

To your husband - That it's not ok for him to 'opt out' of every outdoor/physical activity your DS wants e.g A kick about in the garden, a trip to the park or making a wildlife home for the garden etc. If he's got energy for the things he wants to do, then he's got the energy to be a better Dad too?
It's up to your DH to come up with activities he would like to engage your DS in. It could be a little 'project' making something or it could be them both starting a new hobby that interests them both?

To your DS - There needs to be a balance of physical and non-physical activities. He needs to be able to sit and play a boardgame sometimes (You can take him shopping to choose) as well as find things to occupy himself e.g lego.
It's simply not sustainable to have every single day filled with very physical activities, and it certainly won't help him cope with school days which are very sedentary?

ADHD doesn't only manifest as a need for physical activity, it's often also about keeping the brain 'over-activity' under control? So helping him be able to play a boardgame or do lego or anything that takes concentration and requires sustained attention will only help your DS?

So having maybe half of the day doing a physical activity, then the rest of the day doing something non-physical at the weekend is actually the best thing?

If you went out on a Big Hike for more than half a day and didn’t get back till 3pm, why on earth do you need to go to the playground straightaway? Like just chill. Teach your son that it’s ok to have some downtime and less high energy activities.